One-Liners
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It's a small world, but I still wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time
I have the world's largest seashell collection. I keep it on all the beaches of the world....Perhaps you've seen it.
What's another word for thesaurus?
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
How young can you be to die of old age?
I can levitate birds but no one cares.
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel you can have the pen.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Do you think when George Washington was asked for ID he pulled out a quarter?
I installed skylights in my apartment...The people above us are furious.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
If you spin an oriental person around do they become disoriented?
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
To me, boxing is like ballet, without the music and choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
43% of all statistics are useless.
I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?
"I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you drive."
I'm weird, but around here it's barely noticeable.
I'm weird, but around here it's barely noticeable.
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
OK Sherlock, what's the speed of dark?
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
Vanna White's in a rehab center. She's hooked on phonics.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
