By Eric – Staff reporter
Across the nation butchers and store clerks have been reporting strange occurrences that have been increasing in frequency over the past few years. In meat counters across the country, the finest cuts of meat and poultry have been disappearing at an alarming rate. Tied to this occurrence is disappearance of MAPP torches (a tool normally used in soldering pluming work), fire bricks and expensive bags of charred wood.
The trend was first noticed in Atlanta well over 20 years ago and has continuously spread across the country.
“The pattern is almost always the same,” said Abigo Wibhy a Japanese independent investigator that has been tracking this occurrence across the country. “It all starts with one guy who visits some ‘friend of a friend’ for a casual weekend bar-b-que. The guy has his guard down, he is expecting some burgers and dogs, maybe a grilled chicken breast at the most. The last thing he expects is to be recruited into a cult.” Wibhy went on to explains the cult’s recruitment techniques.
First the local cult leader invites the guests to the backyard where a ceramic cooker sits gracefully nestled in an elaborate wood or metal cart. Often, the unwitting target of the recruitment steps right into the trap by asking what the contraption is. This seemingly innocent question starts a very highly developed and ritualistic process of recruitment. While the specifics of the ceremony very slightly from each cult leader the main points are almost always the same.
“There is always a discussion of gas versus charcoal cooking, stories about the variety of meals that can be made in the cooker- from slow cooked pork to pizza, a detailed explanation of the difference between charcoal briquettes and this stuff called “lump”, and boasts about how hot the ceramic cooker can get,” said Wibhy.
“At this point the cult recruiter has the recruit right where he wants him. The mark is confused and bewildered because he has just had his entire beliefs system turned upside down. He is extremely vulnerable at this point and this is where the cult leader moves in for the kill,” Wibhy explains. Often at this point the cult leader lights the fire in the cooker and ceremoniously brings forth the selection of meat that will be the centerpiece of the feast. Often the selection is a steak of some type but in some parts of the country the ritual differs in that the meat is a large portion of either a cow or pig that has been ritualistically smoked over a low and slow fire (temperatures no more than 250 degrees) for periods sometimes exceeding 16 hours.
After a very flamboyant show of cooking the meat (often accompanied by moderate to large quantities of beer) the meat is devoured by the guests. “This is the strangest part of the ceremony,” Wibhy explains, “no matter how good the cut of meat is, or the method used to prepare the meat for cooking, the cult leader always insists that it is the cooker that is responsible for the delicious taste of the meat. Accolades to the cooker are repeated over and over again, similar to a mantra, until the unwitting recruit is chanting something bizarre like, ‘Wow, what a cooker’ or something similar.”
Wibhy explains that one reason that the cult has gone undetected for so long is because of their willingness to wait. It is not uncommon for the recruitment ceremony to end on a very anti-climatic note. After the plates are cleared, the ceremony usually ends, one might expect a sales pitch or some form of oath to be chanted, but often times the recruit is simply allowed to leave. “This cult carefully designed their rituals. Once performed, the ceremony is like a ticking time bomb in the recruit’s head. It may be months before the cult’s message is triggered. Often it happens when the recruit attends a simple neighborhood weekend bbq where a gas grill is use,” Wibhy notes. When the recruit is served the grilled food, nine times out of ten he will start to recall his experience and tell the other guests about it. They will often look at him like he is nuts because his story just can’t be made to fit in with their own out door cooking experiences. The recruit will feel alienated from the rest of society, he feels that he has “seen the light” and a feeling of enlightenment will wash over him. This is truly the last step in the recruitment process, from then on it is a matter of indoctrination.
The next step is a careful, detailed study on ceramic cooking, a process that can take from days to months, followed by the purchase of a ceramic cooker. As the new recruit gains familiarity with the ceramic “learning curve” he invariably starts to collect accessories that he is able to justify by pointing out to friends a family members what kind of new dish he will be able to prepare. At that point the cycle tends to repeat itself with the new recruit becoming a recruiter.
This cult may be operating in your own neighborhood. Often, cells of this cult can operate for years without the public knowing about it. Wibhy explains that, “these cult members have strange rituals, they often spend more and more time in their backyards, occasionally gather at odd locations across the country to practice their rituals, and strangely enough spend hours on computer chat rooms that discuss the cult.”
Certain members to the cult can rise to shaman like stature with the mere invention of an ancillary tool or the concoction of a new ritual for meat preparation. Some cult leaders have risen to fame by the creation of mystical concoctions and blends of spices known collectively as “rubs.”
Wibhy admits that other than the lack of high quality meat at the butcher and a shortage of MAPP gas there are few negative effects of the cult on society. If fact some cult members have made claims that the cult has saved their marriage or allowed them to have the courage to leave unfulfilling relationships with gas or charcoal grills. A cult member with the internet handle “Smoke-da’ pig-da-rib-mas’ta” claims that he can only find inner peace after he has seared his 2 inch steaks at 750 degrees for two minutes on each side, pulled the meat form the grill to “dwell” for 15 mins while lowering the temp to 375, then cooking the meat for 3-4 minutes on each side…depending on his desired doneness.
It seems that for many in the cult, serenity can only be achieved through the magic of sublime smoke and spice.
Editor’s note. This is the first is a series of articles that will explore the strange world of ceramic cooking.
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