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August 22, 2002

    I always hate looking back on things but I can never stop. I put myself in situations and I can't stand how I feel afterwards. Looking back on these past few months, I realize that I'm desperate, but its not because I need to have a boyfriend, it because I'm scared of ending up alone in life. I don't want to end up like my aunt, but it seems like its too late, for years they compared me to her and I hated it. I wanted to hit every one of them every time they said that. And now, my fates decided, I'm gonna be like her. Going on 39 and not having a place to call home. Sure, she has an apartment in the city, and she has a great job, lots of money, but she has no one, and because she has no one she makes everyone else's life hell. Is that the way I want to be? No. But that's the way I'm gonna end up, or at least I think it is. I just want someone to be there, is that wrong? I want to be able to say that I've fallen in love and it's going to last, but that's all a far away dream. An unreachable star. Hell, aren't they all unreachable.

    But I guess it is partly my fault. Sometimes I try too hard, sometimes I don't try at all. Sometimes I fail to see where things go wrong and I dwell on the good times of the past. Ignoring the present and what could happen. Am I really that stupid? That ignorant? I wish I could tell people these things but I can only write them, no matter what I want to say, I can't. Something holds me back. Am I scared that when I tell them I'll lose my friends too? Probably. But if they were friends they'd hang around no matter I doubt my friends as well as myself? Yeah, I do. But I have my reasons. Sure, they aren't the best because eventually my friends will come around, or at least I hope.

    I can't help but having those memories running through my head. And the words that were said. Some I feel sorry about saying, some I don't. Some I truly meant, some I said because I was angry and I say stupid and do stupid things when I'm angry. But I only regret saying them because they put me in jeopardy of losing my friends. Just thinking about all of this gets me mad. Words that were said in arguments or words that were said with no meaning. Right now my hand is shaking, I want to punch something...scratch that, I need to punch something. How can guys say things that could mean so much and not mean anything by it? Maybe that's why now I can't trust people. How can one person shatter someone's life so easily. After I record a few demo tapes, everyone'll know how I feel. And when I become famous, they'll feel stupid for saying such things and doing things that hurt me. They'll wanna be my friend again won't they? Well I'll show them, I'll treat them the way they treated me.

    Well, I got that out of my system now, at least for now. I got a new acoustic guitar so now I have a electric and acoustic, both Yamaha but hey, a guitar is a guitar! My next step is to put beats to my songs. A few of them have beats but I gotta figure out how to do it w/ my guitar. I can't wait to get everything together, I know of some places to record my demo. It'll cost twenty-five dollars an hour though but that's okay. When my parents see I'm serious they'll give me the money. I'll get my feeling out in my songs and show everyone how I felt and what I hid from them. Writing it makes me feel better, I wonder how singing it will feel.

    In the meantime I'm waiting for the weekend. This Saturday I'm going to the movies with Danielle, Aaron, and Kevin. Don't know what movie we'll see yet. But that's cool. Danielle's trying to hook me up with Kevin, he's nice. At least from what I know of him he is. I gotta get to know him better, after my last experience, it's gonna be hard for me to even give another guy a chance. But after the bowling experience, I might be able to give him a chance.

    Then Sunday is the WWF pay-per-view. I can't wait, Danielle'll probably come over and watch it. Then the next day me and her will be going to Madison Square Garden to see Raw Live!! How awesome is that? We'll get to see our favorite stars live, its great.

    But as for today, I'm staying at home, I'll watch some tv, maybe a movie or two and work on my site, how I can't wait for the weekend!!