I'M BACK
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: HATEBREED
Topic: wtf?!?
WELL, HERE I AM BACK TO MY OLD TRICKS TOO! THEY THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A PHASE, THEY THOUGHT IT WAS SOMETHING THAT IS GETTING BETTER. I'M THE SAME OLD ME, THE CRAVING HUNGRY PATHETIC ME. I LOVE MY BONES. I WANT TO BE THIN OVER EVERYTHING ELSE. JUST TO UPDATE EVERYONE, I HAVE A NEW BF, HIS NAME IS TORY, WE LIVE TOGETHER, WE LOVE EACH OTHER, AND ALL I WANT IS TO BE PERFECT FOR HIM. I WANT HIM TO BE ABLE TO SHOW ME OFF TO EVERYONE. WELL I GTG, BUT I'LL CONTINUE TO UPDATE LATER. TTYL

screw them
i decided not to go to the hospital, i'm just fine, my weight loss isn't a disease its a life style, and one that i'm really proud of at that. i already lost like what... nine pounds if i can do that i can reach my goal. my mom said i should go to the doctor and talk to a nutrtionist, but they'll just tell me to eat. george's mom is making me eat at least once a day while i'm there,but that's ok. once a ady won't hurt me much. his mom actually loaned me 140 dollars so i could get my car out of the pound, it was towed yesturday. but my grandma called and told me to get home during the best sex we had ever had. it was terrible. i have alot of reading to do but i'm procrastinating, i dont want to be in school any more. once i get my cna next year i'm taking some time off, i want to move into the apratment above george with gigi. this way i can have my own place, come and go as i want and still be close to george and to school. that would make things alot easier, plus i can have the kids spend the night by me and they can play, we can go to the mall, everything. we're going to the mall this weekend, they really like oak brook mall, and i want to take them to the library today so they can check out a book becasue they play way too many video games, so i'll get off work, call gigi, go to george's take the kids to the library, pick up george and gigi and dan and we'll all go out for a while. then i can spend the night somewhere and spend the day with the kids tomorrow. i told cristal that i would take her friend with to the mall so she can see libby lu. she wants to go there for her birthday. well there really isn't much else going on today. ttyl.

getting help
well everyone, i'm going to be gone for a while, i decided that i don't want to fall back into this life style, i need help. i will be a t linden oaks hospital for a while getting some treatment, if they decided to help me. i just can't live like this, the depression is too great, the hunger hurts, i don't want to lose my george. i need to go and get help. so i'll keep this site up for those of u who need a place to go to talk, hide, hang, watever. but i just can't live like this anymore. i support and admire u all for being stronger than i am. so ttyl.
manda

Prgoress
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: This is the new shit
I feel great, i lost another pound, i'm getting my site together, my journals are filling up, and i'm down to one or two small meals a day. i eat less than 2 cups of food a day and that's great compared to wat i was eating. i'm also typing better and getting use to not looking down at the ketboard as much. i'm problay going to go out with gigi or george today, so i have an excuse to not eat, i'm going to fast todaythat yogurt will be the only thing i have today, see if i can drop another pound by tomorrow. i think i barely passed my latin midterm. oh i made an ana buddy yesturday. her name is kait she's cool and funny. she was mia but is trying ana. we really connected and had some fun talkin yesturday. i wonder when we're going to find out how we did on our midterm. i got a bunch of pics of MK up on the site today, oh and i started a new yahoo group, kait helped me do the colors, it's black red and pink. i still have 20 minutes left in class. i'm so glad i'm almost done with my rag, and i bet george is glad too. lol.maybe i can drop 2 lbs today if all i have is water or orange juice. i'm suppose to go to McDonalds with my aunt, our friday tradition, but i'm fasting today so all i'll get is an oj. it's so much easier to say yes, but it feels so good to no. my depression is really kicking in, i feel like if i cant be skinny i don't want to live. but at the same time i think about george and the family we are working toward. we're going to be one of the couples who have been to together "forever" through part of high school and into college and lasts forever. we will just watch. we both know we're going to end up together, its something we can just tell about our future. we love each other more than anything or anyone else. we're bound to be together. well i have to finish up the site. ttyl

Still got it
Last night was great, i feel almost like i'm still beautiful. even though i know i'm a freakin heffer. anywhose, i have my midterm today, like anyone cares. i don't really care if i fail the class, but i just want to get this fucking project over with. we have to do an 8 minute speech about a book section that i don't even understand. but for now i have untill december to get it done. i'm so tired, i miss all my old friends, i never have to time to see anyone except my george, ofcourse. :) i went from having 5 small meals to having 3 already. i can just feel my stomach shrinking. i need to get some pics of me up on this site. maybe i'll buy a digital camera, one of those disposable ones and post some of my own fatty pics online. see wat kind of responses i get. lol mooooooooooo. i really wish i could see george today. the depression is really getting to me, i'm starting to scratch myself a lot like i had before. i'm still psyched from seeing the system of a down concert, even though it was 2 weeks ago. i get paid friday! woooooooooh. but it'll only be like 12 bucks and i need that for gas money. george said he'll help me out with everything untill i get back on my feet again. i feel like i write too much. i have this journal, one at ana friends, one in my food journal, and one going in my school notebook. yeah i wrote too much. today is probaly going to be only 2 meals, and i mean like less than 2 cups of food worth. so i'm doing really well. so ttyl. gotta do some research.

terrible eelings, amazing feelings
Mood:  down
Last night i broke down after george fed me spaghetti. i had half a cheese sndwich and half a donut. i'm such a pig, i'm up from 140 to 141, which is awful, and i can't sex it away because i have my rag. but last night, before i left george's house was amazing, god we haven't fooled around like that for a long time. but all i can think about right now is how terrible i was last night, as my punishment i can't eat for the rest of the day, except for a few nbbles if i get dizzy, but otherwise water water water. i'm going to see george again tonite. i love being able to see him this much, it seems like a lot to us both but we use to see each other everyday for hours, now we have been apart for so long that we don't know what the hell to do when we get to see each other. i have so much work to do, i have an essay to write and one to revise. plus my midterm for latin civ is thursday, which i know i'm going to bomb. i hate that class, i really do. but i love writing it is my oly joy lately, other than george of course. i sound so mushy, but i am actually deeply in love with him, we've been together for a year and a half, and we've had some really rough times. but we always pulls through, we always make it pass everything and end up cuddling each other to death. i'm so glad i've gotten back into my website and inot ana, i feel whole again, depressed, but whoe again. i hate the way i look, but i love having my 3 best friends supporting me: george, my journals, and of course ana. but i have to write a paper now. ttyl. and if anyone even bothers reading this, please gimme some feed back. i need an ana buddy anyway.

Loss of Weight
Mood:  don't ask
Finally i am losing some weight, i am so proud of my self. i just wish grandma would get off my back, i'm 18 god damn iti want to live on my own and do whayever i want to do. but she hounds me like i'm still a kid Amanda this and Amanda that. this whole thing is working out great. I'm so sproud of myself for losing the weight. i am down to 140, i lost 5 lbs. in about 3 days. George says if i go below 100 lbs, he'll send me to the hospital. I said ok, but secretly, my goal is 95 lbs, i can already feel my stomach shrinking. this is so blessed, i thank my Gods everuday for the weight loss. And pray to them for more ( i'm wiccan ). yet at the same time i'm still battling my depression, i know this is the first step of a long journey. but am i strong enough. I look like shit still but that'll change soon enough. But anywhoz, i have to finish working on the site, and looking up some inspiration. ttyl.

My Lover
Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: you and me by lighthouse
Topic: ummm
Ok I hve my car now, so i see George a lot more, but we're still fighting a lot. I am spending the night at his place tonight so maybe we can... make up. I really love him, but he drives me nuts sometimes. I wish he would do something about his depression, i think it gets in the way sometimes, but how can i tell him what i really feel? I love him more than anything and he tells me that i should start looking for someone better? what kind of crap is that? No things will work out between us, they always do, because we're so in love, he's my muse and i don't want to live without him. He has no idea what he means to me, he thinks i can just move on and act like i never loved him? no i can't. we want to get married in a few years, we want a family and a home and all these things but we have to be able to be together and learn to live together, instead of learning to just live with eachother. I don't know anymore, i know we're meant to be, but maybe just not now. no, we'll be together, after all, lol, love conquors all. lol

nothingness
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: nothing! nothing u bastard! wat do u care?
Topic: wtf?!?
ok, so maybe i'm a little hostile. but wat do u expect? i haven't been able to lose much weight, everyone watches my eating habits now. besides, between school and work and getting a second job... i actually am hungry sometimes. but wat';s great is most of the time i don't eat, b/c i'm actually not hungry. well, i'm in class and decided to use this day to work on the site so... ttyl. got lots of work to do.

WELL....
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: BLACK BETTY
Topic: bite me!
Well, this sucks. I go to school all day, work all evening, and only see George once a week. I actually miss him and he's about 10 minutes from my house now. I live with my grandparents for now, i got kicked out of my house. long story, don't wanna tell. but i might move into my friends basement in a couple of months. i really need to start working on this thing again, i've been so busy. i'm eating kind of normal again, and u know wht that means, no weight loss. i'm really disappointed wioth myself. my meet up is coming up soon, pretty soon my car will be running and i can get to see goerge at night after work for a couple of hours beofre i have to do homework. i'm going into nursing, imagine that. well, i have enough experience with hospitals gtg. ttyl