Allow Us To Be Your BankWe here at "The Bank" are hoping to be YOUR bank. We've got a number of ways we hope to achieve this. We're working hard to make a giant Monopoly that you can't escape, and we'd like to charge you a fee when you want to speak to a person instead of using an ATM. Furthermore, we'd like to take ATM fees and other random fees out of your account, particularly when your balance is at its lowest. Not yet convinced we're the right bank for you?
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We'll Be There
This woman will smile at you as she reaches up the rectum of an automatic teller and secretly steals the "shit" that is your hard-earned money. These days, the highest art form is devising various crooked means of robbing people and small businesses of hard-earned money. Our customer service reps will happily oblige to guide you through the depths of personal financial ruin, just as the great Virgil accompanied Dante through the depths of Hell. |
Robots Eat Your Money
Our exciting new ATM machines have made human interaction virtually obsolete! No longer will we have to witness emotional breakdowns at the hands of our lovely tellers. These days you can interact solely with a robot, akin to the cute machine in "Lost In Space", only this one doesn't talk and isn't polite. You can make unnecessarily large withdrawals at any hour of the day! Plus, many of our ATM's are equipped to swallow your money. Nine times out of Ten, this money will turn up in your account balance, but every once in awhile something completely inexplicable will go wrong and for some reason your money will be totally irretrievable and you'll be fucked.  |
New Invention! The Palm Deposit.
There is new technology on the way! In early 2003, The Bank plans to release its latest invention, the Palm Deposit! This handy little dandy allows one to insert bills into a convenient, palm sized bill holder. Once inside the Palm Deposit, the bill will be vaporized through a radioactive process and what was once a tactile piece of legal tender then becomes the Hypothetical Outerspace Money of The Bank. It's safe in our hands, as we take it directly from yours, and don't give it back! I hope we've convinced you that we're the right Bank in which to put your money. If not, perhaps we can change your mind by simply buying your bank with all the money we've extorted from other satisfied customers. We appreciate your patronage! |
