We dream of the generic fun in the sun, but that’s not going to happen again. Fuck the sun part, fun doesn’t look very promising right now. Edge is gone. As far as I know, forever. It doesn’t look like he’s coming back anytime soon, but maybe I’m ahead of myself. He has only been gone for three days. There’s still time. Christian told me about this other vampire, called Nobody. Edge is probably with him, if history repeats itself. I guess as long as he’s safe, then its okay. Except that its not okay, because I’m not supposed to lose him. Not this soon, not this way. If we part, its supposed to be some romantic, movie style goodbye, not this. A note, a fucking note. What am I supposed to do with that? Keep it in my hand forever, never let go, cherish it always? I’ve got too much sense to do that. At least I hope I would. I think its still on the kitchen floor. I wouldn’t know. I’ve either been in bed with Christian, or watching tv with Jeff for the past few days. Sometimes, I think I can feel Edges breath on my neck, but then its no one. I just wish it were him. Why do people have to leave? Why can’t I understand it? I feel so stupid because I should just accept it, or at least pretend to, and let him go. There’s always been Christian waiting in the wings. He’ll always be there. Maybe I shouldn’t think that. I thought the same about Edge, and now he’s gone. So, basically, I just cursed myself. Great. Doomed to be alone, the solitary female vampire roams the earth looking for her latest victim to ravage, rape and kill. That in itself doesn’t sound like too much of a bad life. It reminds me of this poem I read such a long time ago. The Highwayman it was called. I didn’t understand it at the time, probably because I was about 13 or so, but now I do. Stealing into someone’s house and killing them, or taking what’s theirs. That’s what Edge did to me, and I love him for it. He took me, and my life, but if he hadn’t, then I wouldn’t be writing this, or be awaiting Christian’s embrace. Does it sound like I’m using him? I know I’m not, but sometimes that’s what it seems like. I love him too much to be using him, right? Oh god, please tell me I’m right. I have to be right. I can’t live with myself knowing the opposite. I DO love Christian….but…..oh god….I’m going to stop thinking. I wish I could stop thinking. Its not fair, you know. I have Christian now, but all I can do is question my love for him. So what am I supposed to do now? I should be happy and content and all that other gooey stuff that romance novels are made of, but it just doesn’t work. Something doesn't fit. Its like - what's that poem again? I used to know if off by heart. From a comic I used to read about a lesbian, her best friend, and the man that loved them both. I think it went like '…But something’s wrong, I feel so rushed. The air we breath, it’s not enough…'. Elegant waste and chivalry. That was part of it too. I keep thinking about that line. I feel so rushed. I do. And nothing is enough. I wonder what will become of me. Elegant waste and chivalry? Sounds even better than the ravaging and raping part, doesn’t it?