No matter how hard you hit a trumpet, it's not a percussion instrument.

English teachers don't generally like you writing short stories involving drugs and sex.

If you don't wear shoes, you'll get a detention.

Paintbrushes are not hair accessories.

Feeding your cat yellow paint is not a good idea.

If you get locked in a stairwell don't count on STAG members to let you out.

There should be no sleeping on the 40 yeard line.

Always share a locker with an upperclassman so you don't get vaseline put on your lock.

The five paragraph essay is non negotiable.

Don't leave a coffee cup in your locker over spring break.

The floor doesn't like ot drink chocolate milk, so you shouldnt spill it.

To paint a tarp, you must get paint on the tarp.

Art really impresses non art teachers.

Never try to write an essay after a drumline competition.

The transitive property applies to everything.

Always carry a roll of duct tape.

There's nothing wrong with it being summer in your universe.

Your focus determines your reality so don't wear ripped contacts.

Never show your fear of plastic reptiles.

A good glare will stop most people, but there's always one you will need to knock unconscious.

A pickle has no mathematical value.

You shouldn't smoke pickles.

You don't really need to know how to yell at your slaves in Latin, but it always helps.

If you're playing a baseball show during a football game4, don't announce it a 'a tribute to America's favorite pasttime'.

A doesn't come after G.

Drugs are bad. Drugs are very bad.

When marching in the mud, make sure your shoes are tied.

Drumsticks are not comfortable to sleep on. (but drummers are)

You might not be able to make a horse drink, but you can make it drown in the water.

Arguing about poetry doesn't accomplish much.

Arguing about religion accomplishes even less.

Rain is usually a water color.

Sometimes you just need to run around barefoot.

Some of the best inspiration occurs at three in the morning while trying to get to sleep.

NyQuil is good.

Don't let anyone tell you that dreams are bad. Dreams are what holds sanity together.

Do what you love and be proud of what you do. That's all that really matters.

There is some use to speaking Latin, I just need to find it.

If it's really necessary to insult someone, at least be creative.

You shouldn't feed your pigs blood because they'll try to eat each other.

There's always amusement value in life. Look for it.

When faced by 300 pound football players from the other team, the marching band probably shouldn't refuse to yield.

Lunchtime is even more of an illusion when you have band fifth bell.

a life size pig covered in buttons is exactly what Sycamore needs.

School should always look like afterprom. The comnons already does bear a striking resemblance to the French Quarter.

Math teachers will not let you read in class, but apparently sleeping through it for a week straight is acceptable.

You don't put a milker on male dairy cattle because you don't want that stuff in your milk.

Even if you think you've heard everything, a seven year old will still manage to surprise you with his revelations. (see above)

Don't follow someone through brambles, stinging nettles and poison ivy unless you really like him.

When your boss is sitting in the middle of the road with a 150 gallon tank of water in the back of the truck it's probably not a good idea to walk right by him.

Don't try to sled down Jeff Hill if there are cars coming up it.

Screw decaf! (from Spoony)

If you think about it a certain way, a waitress flirting with your date is actually a compliment on your taste.

Rednecks have to be experienced to be believed.

So does God.

So does chocolate mousse.

Cement doesn't happen in creeks.

If it's too hot to pick up with your hands, don't put it in your mouth.