Compiled from actual resumes by Robert Half International I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. It's best for employers that I not work with people. Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. I was working for my mom until she decided to move. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. My goal is to be meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit a job. Marital status: often. Children: various. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. Finished eighth in my class of ten. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me
|
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do the splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.... And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina... Finally find that damned G-spot.
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America. 9. Get a blow job. 8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat. 7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal. 6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently. 5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm. 4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it may seem. 3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks. 2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement. ... And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis... 1. Repeat number 9. |
|
Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is A Trouble Maker 10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 a.m. 9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets. 8. You catch him behind the barn drinking soda pop! 7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!" 6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy." 5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, Id listen to rap!" 4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks. 3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard aint listening." 2. Hes wearing his big black hat backwards. 1. Caught "churning butter" alone in the bathroom. |
1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help. 2) Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 7) Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. 9) Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study. 10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 11) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in. 12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. 13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. 14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. 18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. 19) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. 21) The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. 22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child. 22) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 23) The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. 24) The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."
|