Uncle Frank

  Saturday morning... Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" Says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob. "Is mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming,then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh my god... And what about uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool?????..............Is this 554-7039?"

 

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig.

The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

 

"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

 

 

  Hospital Insurance

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was being given the guided tour by a senior consultant they passed a room where you could see a man masturbating wildly through the window. Of course the Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital. "Ah." said the Doctor. "Now although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have witnessed that, in fact that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode." "Oh." said her Majesty. "Well, in that case I suppose it's understandable." A little further on down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open, and through it you could see a nurse who was clearly giving a patient a blow job. "Goodness Gracious!" shrieked HM. "I demand an explanation for this kind of sordid goings-on!" "Ah." Said the Doctor. "Same problem, better health plan."

  Puns R US

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

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A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!' The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!' Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions...

 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher. 'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher. 'Pockets!' said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said,

'Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!'

skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard. 'I'm lost,' said the man. 'Can you put me up for the night?' 'Certainly,' the Chinese man said, 'but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man'. 'OK,' said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, 'Chinese Torture 1:Large rock on chest. "Well, that's pretty crappy,' he thought. 'If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about. 'He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: 'Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle. 'In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read, 'Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post.'

  "A date is a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is that there are not many job interviews where there's a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it."

Jerry Seinfeld

 

The British Army

Back in the days of the glorious British Empire, a young officer arrived at his first posting, the command of a tiny fort in the middle of the desert, twenty miles from the nearest town. His new second-in-command is showing him around the base, when just outside the fort's walls they come across a decrepit, flea-ridden old camel. 'What's this blooming' camel for?' asked the officer? 'Well, sir,' his second-in-command replied, 'the troops, stuck out here in the desert for months at a time, have certain.. er.. manly needs, from time to time. And when they need to do something about them, they use old Deirdre the camel here'. The officer, rather embarrassed, says nothing, and continues with the tour. A few months go by, and the officer is beginning to feel those 'manly needs' himself. So he calls his number two and says: 'I feel I may.. um.. require the services of Deirdre the camel tonight. Tell me, when the men..um.. use her, do they have her bathed first?' 'Yes, sir'. 'Well then, see to it that she is bathed'. 'They also have her flea-powdered, first, sir'. 'Very good, see that that is done, too. And I couldn't help but notice that she is a rather tall animal. Tell me, do the men use a ladder when they, um.. mount her?' 'Yes sir, always'. 'Very well, see to it that a ladder is provided'. 'Very good sir. She'll be prepared for you within the hour.' After an hour, the officer is escorted to the side of the fort, where Deirdre waits, powdered, washed and with a ladder by her side. The officer moves the ladder to the back of the animal, climbs it, drops his pants and begins furiously ramming into the backside of the animal. He motions to his second-in-command: 'Tell me, is this how the men do it?' 'Well, no sir, they normally ride the camel to the nearest town and pay for a prostitute, sir'.

The Five Kinds of Sex

The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Including the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you've got to do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in the court

  How to Know You're Dating A Consultant

10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "preliminary assessment period."

9. Talks to the waiter about process flows when dinner arrives late.

8. Takes a half-day at the office on Sunday because "Sunday is your day."

7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation.

6. Tries to call room service from the bedroom at home.

5. Ends any argument by saying, "let's talk about this off-line."

4. Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review.

3. Can't be trusted with the car--too accustomed to beating up rentals.

2. Valentines Day card has bullet points.

1. Refers to lovemaking as a "win-win."

SUPERMAN

  Superman wakes up one day and realizes that he has done everything he could have done in metropolis and he was totally bored. He flies away in search of something to do. Pretty soon he comes across Batman swinging across a few skyscrapers. Superman yells down, "Hey Batman, got anything I can help you with?" Batman shouts back up, "No, Superman. I've got everything under control." Superman continues onward. Eventually he flies over the ocean and looks down at Aquaman. Superman yells, "Hey Aquaman, gimme something to do!" Aquaman looks up and yells back, "sorry Superman, there's nothing for you to do here."

Superman by this point is totally exasperated. He starts to fly back to Metropolis when he all of a sudden sees Wonder Woman lying nude on the beach. "Yes!" thinks Superman. "If I zoom down and do her really quick like only I can do, she'll never know what hit her!" Superman swoops out of the sky, does his thing in about 5 seconds flat, and flies away before he gets caught. Wonder Woman opens her eyes with a shock and says in surprise, "what was that all about?" Then the Invisible Man rolls off of her and says, "I don't know, but my arse is killing me."

 The Anniversary

A couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night. Her husband was laying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before. She stood seductively before him and asked, "Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?" He replied, "I took one look at you and thought I'd like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry." "And what are you thinking now, baby?" she asked huskily. He said, "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it!"

The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

- has to work hard;

- has to work at great depths;

- has to work upside down;

- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;

- has to work in a high humidity environment;

- has to work at high temperatures;

- does not get weekends and holidays off;

- does not get time off after extra hours of work;

- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

Request denied for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row;

- does not answer immediately to all requests;

- does not have a degree;

- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;

- shows no fidelity to the workplace;

- retires too early;

- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;

- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.

Holiday romance

Ginny was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hhers.

"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"

"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.

Ginny persisted. "Do you like gardening?"

The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.

Undaunted, Ginny asked. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Ginny, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Ginny dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya fuck one goat . . . "

Why Is The Head Larger Than The Shaft?

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Chinese Wedding Night

A Chinese couple get married - and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring, I know dis you firt time and you flighten...

I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want.

What you want?"

"I wanna numma 69" she replies.

"You wanna beef with bloccolli?

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides

Knock Knock

A publican is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off. A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes. There is a third knock at the door, and a third tramp. The publican says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too". "No, a straw". The publican gives him a straw but is curious why he wants it, so he asks the tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick. "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already."

Two mates were having a beer and talking about Freudian slips.

The first said "Well. I went the other day to buy a ticket to Pittsburgh and I saw the ticket seller and she was beautiful with the biggest, most magnificent pair of breasts I'd ever seen. I was overcome. I went up to her to buy my ticket and instead of saying 'Excuse me, can I have a ticket to Pittsburgh?' I said 'Excuse me, can I have a picket to Tittsburgh?' I was so embarrassed I didn't know what to do."

"I know what you mean," said the other guy. "Yesterday I was having breakfast with my wife as usual. I meant to say to her 'Could you please pass the butter.' But it came out as

"'You bitch! You've ruined my fucking life!'"

Two Dwarfs

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation on the Gold Coast. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, "One, Two, Three...Hup!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked.

"I couldn't even get on the fucking bed!"

The Money Jar

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches the bartender and asks him: "What's up with the jar?"

Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the money."

Man: "What are the three tests?"

Bartender: Pay first. Those are the rules."

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills.

Bartender: "Ok, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove it with your bare hands.

Third, there's a 90-year-old woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You got to make things right for her."

Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there...

Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar."

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence.

Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"