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A couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night. Her husband was laying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before. She stood seductively before him and asked, "Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?" He replied, "I took one look at you and thought I'd like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry." "And what are you thinking now, baby?" she asked huskily. He said, "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it!"
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Ginny was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hhers. "Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?" "Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book. Ginny persisted. "Do you like gardening?" The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading. Undaunted, Ginny asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Ginny, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Ginny dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?" |
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THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.." Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..." Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya fuck one goat . . . " |
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead. |
A Chinese couple get married - and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring, I know dis you firt time and you flighten... I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?" "I wanna numma 69" she replies. "You wanna beef with bloccolli? |
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There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides |
A publican is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off. A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes. There is a third knock at the door, and a third tramp. The publican says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too". "No, a straw". The publican gives him a straw but is curious why he wants it, so he asks the tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick. "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already." |
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Two mates were having a beer and talking about Freudian slips. The first said "Well. I went the other day to buy a ticket to Pittsburgh and I saw the ticket seller and she was beautiful with the biggest, most magnificent pair of breasts I'd ever seen. I was overcome. I went up to her to buy my ticket and instead of saying 'Excuse me, can I have a ticket to Pittsburgh?' I said 'Excuse me, can I have a picket to Tittsburgh?' I was so embarrassed I didn't know what to do." "I know what you mean," said the other guy. "Yesterday I was having breakfast with my wife as usual. I meant to say to her 'Could you please pass the butter.' But it came out as "'You bitch! You've ruined my fucking life!'" |
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation on the Gold Coast. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, "One, Two, Three...Hup!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the fucking bed!" |
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches the bartender and asks him: "What's up with the jar?" Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the money." Man: "What are the three tests?" Bartender: Pay first. Those are the rules." So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills. Bartender: "Ok, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90-year-old woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You got to make things right for her." Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there... Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar." Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?" |