Blondes

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There's a blonde woman who feared her husband was having an affair. Sure enough, she came home one day to find her husband with another woman. She grabs a gun, points it towards her own head. Her husband rushes out of bed screaming at her,

 "Don't! Please don't!" She says "Shut up! You're next!"

Two blonde walk into a dry cleaners on a rainy day and ask the clerk for a hanger.

 "I locked my keys in the car, and I need the hanger to unlock the door," the first blonde explains. "Please hurry," whines the second blonde. "We left the top down and everything is getting ruined!"

Two blondes walk into a sports bar giving each other high fives and screaming "51!". Another blonde joins them and the scene repeats with high fives and very excited screams of "51 yea!" A bystander is so curious that he has to ask the question,

 "What are you girls so excited about and what does this '51' mean?"

One of the blondes explains proudly ,

"We just finished a puzzle in only 51 days and the box said '3 to 5 years!'"

 

OK OK HERE THEY COME!

Why does a blonde have T.G.I.F. on her shoes.....

Toes Go In First.

How does a blonde turn on the light after sex....

 She opens the car door.

What's the mating call of a Blonde....

I'm so Druuuuuuuunk!

What does a blonde put behind her ears to attract men ...

 Her Feet.

What does a Blonde say after sex ..

Are you guys all on the same team?

 How do you know when a blonde is stressed ..

 There is a tampon behind her ear and who knows where the pencil is.

Why do blondes have orgasms?

  So they know when to stop having sex

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

 Pregnant.

Why can't dumb blondes drive?

They've never been out of the back seat.

What's the difference between a dumb blonde and a mosquito?

A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

How do you amuse a blonde for hours?

 Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?

  Her IQ goes up!

What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?

  A visitor.

What do dumb blondes consider foreplay?

  Removing their underwear.

How does a dumb blonde carries out a pregnancy test?

"Did you come inside me?"

The difference between a blonde &a trampoline?

 You take your shoes off before you get on a trampoline.

How does a dumb blonde count money?

 One, another one, another one . .

How do you get a Blonde to marry you ...

Tell her she is pregnant.

What is a dumb blond girl with huge lungs especially good for?

 Your Jacuzzi.

What do blondes and computers have in common?

 You never know how much you appreciate them until they go down on you.

What does a dumb blond call safe sex?

  A padded dashboard.

What does a dumb blond use for protection during sex?

 A bus shelter.

Why did the blond take her baby to the blood testing clinic ?

 She wanted to check if it was hers.

How do you kill a one armed blond hanging from a cliff?

Wave

Why do dumb blondes wear those large hoop earrings?

So they have somewhere to put their legs during sex.

What's a dumb blond with a dollar on her head?

All you can eat for under a buck.

Why do dumb blondes wear panties?

To keep their ankles warm

Why did the dumb blond stare at the orange juice carton?

 Because it said "concentrate".

How do you get a dumb blond to stay in the shower all day?

Give her a bottle of shampoo that says "Rinse and Repeat"

What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?

 Nothing. They've never met.

What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?

 (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?

 An interpreter.

What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

How you know if blond has been using the computer?

 The joystick is wet.

How does a blond brush her teeth ?

 

  She holds the tooth brush and moves her head up and down.

How you get four Blondes to sit on the same chair?

Turn chair upside down.

What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?

 Artificial intelligence.

What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?

The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?

 

 Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.

What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?

 Change.

What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?

 "Nice tits!"

What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

  Spot.

Why don't blondes make ice cubes?

They keep forgetting the recipe.

How do blonde braincells die?

 Alone.

Did you hear about the 2 Blondes who were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?

A know-it-all bitch.

Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?

 So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac and blond?

 

The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"

The nympho says, "Are you done already?"

The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?

 

It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?

 A blonde going through a flashing red light.

How can you tell when a blonde is dating?

 By the buckle print on her forehead.

What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?

 They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?

  Her feet!

 

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?

 Full

 Easter Blondie

Three blondes stood at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. St. Peter says that they can enter provided that they can answer one simple question, "What is Easter?"

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! Easter is the holiday in November when families get together, eat turkey, and act thankful..."

"Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question.

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday when we put up a nice tree, echange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, and glances over at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently, looks St. Peter right in the eyes and says, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh really," replies St. Peter.

"Easter is the Christain holiday that conicides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the Last Supper where Jesus was deceived and turned over to the Romans by Judas, one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and nailed to a cross. He was burried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

 

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

 

Then the third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... And, if he sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter.

Deputy required

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?".

"Today and tomorrow." replied the blonde.

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff.

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted,

 "I don't know."

The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant.

 "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"