Hot Off the Press!!!
Shopping Carts and YOU: What YOU should do
By David Shaffer
DO NOT!!!:
1)eat, buy, or even think about valentine candy hearts
2)call a shopping cart a gay peice of recycled metal shit, most likely a vibrator in a previous life.
3)be gay
4)be old
5)discuss the purchase of a certain George Foreman grill, for although it may sock fat in the nose, your gonna wish your nose was socked by the great George after the cart gets done with you
6)attempt to say hi or talk to a certain Jessica Lang, for she tips off the carts to your coming from her checkout position.
7)do that thing where you run and then jump up on that bar on the cart while you whizz down the isle, they really hate that. really.
8)have your guy try on womens underwear while in the store, a sure sign of gayness.
9)have your baby drop a fatty stanky load in its daiper while seated in the cart, for as much as you think the daiper gets it, a few drips of putrid rotten baby juice still gets on the seat.
10)play mario party that day, at all. Seriously. Double seriously if the spinner landed on "desert dash" ever.
Why live? Why not just take a gun and blow my head off? Why take another breath? These are questions im sure your asking yourself right now. But please dear friends, listen. Our field correspondent, a Mr. Boo, has offered his driving tips on combating this horror. I take you now to Boo.
Hey folks, its not as hard as it looks. First, outfit yourself with the latest in well-handling pimp rideage, jeeps work best. Second you want to make sure you are totally happy with your passenger (meaning no girls who write in big purple letters), for if someone is annoying to you it only increases grumpiness and decreases reaction time. Third, be on the lookout if you actually DID spit hearts, for then you have the advantage. Finally, and by far most importantly, always mentally go over the official "Mr. Boo list of shopping cart disaster checkup questions" before you back your car out of the driveway, at each stop sign, and each time you pull in and out of a stall. For those of you without a copy, ill go over them for you.
Are you feeling sleepy? perhaps a pre-leaving nap is in order.
Know your shopping cart. How long has it been since the wheels have been oiled? is one of the wheels going all crappy causing it too veer sharply to the left? keep that in mind as you swerve right.
Did you remember to wear a new pair of underwear today? nothing is worse than arriving at the hospital, a bleeding, broken mess due to a shopping cart accident, and have soiled drawers.
Is there a shady looking woman "running" (some people fake a weak run after their "lost" cart, in reality they are having the time of their life after pushing the cart at you)after her cart? if so see Boo rule Section 803, article 54, paragraph 7, line 21, on "giving the finger."
this list is not all inclusive, but it may spare your life.
Well folks, that does it for now, the choice is yours. Its very easy to go back to hunting/gathering, shooting small game and nibbling on garden carrots instead of going to the grocery store again. Good luck America, we love you.
To whom it may concern, *(our shopping nation)*
Dear dear friends. family members. beloved young ones. put down your newspapers, your videogame controllers, your vibrators. What you are about to become aware of is a problem greater than all others. Aids hides in the closet when hearing of this travesty, cancer puts a lampshade over it's head in shame. Yes, your worst fears are finally realized. Need some eggs, some bread?? Need some milk for your family? Well momma, better re-learn how to breastfeed, because this will make you think twice before you pull that minivan into the local Logli's parking slot again. yes folks, what i am talking about is SHOPPING CART MURDER. one second you are walking out of the grocery, thinking you are home free, munching on your candy hearts or what have you, when sudden BAMMMMM!!! see??? i coulndt even finish that last sentence, i got bitchslapped by number "042 thank you for shopping!" Many across the nation are being victimized by "runnaway cart fear." These carts seem to sense who is and who is not scared, targeting mostly homosexuals and the elderly. One man, bobby "pretty girl" clark, known homo and recently released from prison, stocked his poor cart full of ripe bananas, pears, and every kind of Fruit he could get his hands on. Lets just say in the parking lot the cart made sure no guy would ever have trouble ass raping bobby again. His new bumper sticker says "if your dick fits a hole the size of a shopping cart, call me." Sweet granny smith was struck by a cart she had even taken the time to put back in the corral, the cart obviously disliked the 5 hour trip. She was never seen from again, although the police report states "Screw that old bitch, like she wouldn't have died tomorrow anyways." Clinton recently assigned a group of top shopping cart experts from the department of DNB-FAW, Do Nothing But Fuck Asian Whores, to investigate. After years and years of fucking asian whores, even venturing to China for a drunken weekend (god fellas, hope my wife doesnt find out!), the experts made some starting discoveries on shopping cart mayhem. Armed with this information, you too can avoid disaster. As it turns out, the true villains behind this evil crime are.....TEENS. teens who are skipping work, actually. The whole key to these attacks seem to be the use of those cute little candy hearts. See, the shopping carts love and respect the pavement they have rolled on all their lives, and a teen provokes them by the spitting of candy hearts all over the lot. You would be mad too if a total stranger walked in your house and spit on your bathroom rug, wouldnt you? For instance, what would happen if a young man stuffed his mouth with hearts...oh, oh, oh no! he simply cannot take it!! he spews them to and fro!! oh folks, the humanity!! he has no clue what he has done! luckily, due to the advanced driving experience of the young man, a true master of his pimp ride, danger is avoided, although a small red buick was completely taken out. here is an updated top 10 list of things NOT to do to provoke another attack, check it out, or die. you dont want to....die? do you?
Even the kiddies are starting early on the road to being abused by THE CART. Thats right, in an evil plot against the world, shopping carts are building up their trust with society by starting at the wee age of 5, only to betray later in life. Betray! RUN INTO YOU IN THE PARKING LOT! Break limbs, sever heads, castrate, there's no stopping what these carts will do to the innocent. THIS MUST STOP. Free our children from the brainwashing. Boycott Little Tyke's play carts, they are only setting up our precious children for pain and defeat.
C'mon, mail me. Tell me your funny stories, quotes, whatever.