js

You know her, you love her, you can not fucking live with out her

Jesska Spontaneous

OK, I' m serious, I do believe this article has been just a twinkle in my eye for the past 6 or seven months now, as I kept the editors at bay promising something that really "means something", something really \ldblquote hard-hitting\rdblquote which, as you are about to discover, is something I never did manage. However, I am here to bring you possibly even a 2 page piece of crap for your utter enjoyment. I bet you didn't even know that I even had so much time on my hands that I would spend it by doing something as trivial as writing total nonsense, well, it's true. I spend my time working about 60 hours a week at your friendly local convenience store (probably not your local store considering most everyone reading this refuses to reside anywhere not located in the Cherry Street, brookside, or downtown areas. Yeah, you guys just don't know how to appreciate the subtle conveniences of the south side, that or you're unwilling to, PERHAPS EVEN SCARED TO[WHAT WILL MATT NORMAN SAY?!]). My job, as a lowly gas station attendant, consists of me sitting behind a counter determining who should and shouldn't be allowed to the privilege of underage drinking and smoking for the night, while selling the occasional jug of milk to the " I don't wanna go to the grocery store cause its such a hassle" crowd, which is the dumbest thing considering that if you do go into the grocery store, its probably only about 10 steps further than where our would be located, and its a hell of a lot cheaper. Christ! those people are stupid, almost stupider than when jon and I went to missura (OH, BUT AT LEAST have to give a little credit to the aforementioned milk buyers, because at least I bet they don't say "stupider" which isn't even a word and is even less of a cut down, YET IT STILL MADE AN AMAZING TRANSITION, but I digress). Jon and I went to Missouri [I have no idea why this all of a sudden goes "capital", but I don't feel like changing it-ed] FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS TO CURE OUR TULSA BOREDOM , OR WHAT-HAVE-YOU, SO WHEN WE GOT THERE WE REACHED AN INTERSECTION WHERE THEY PAINT THOSE LITTLE WHITE ARROWS ON THE ROAD TO TELL YOU WHICH DIRECTION YOUR LANE WILL ALLOW YOU TO TRAVEL. OURS COULD TAKE US LEFT OR STRAIGHT, HOWEVER, STRAIGHT WOULD PUT US RIGHT THRU A FENCE. how STUPID DO THEY THINK WE ARE?! I WONDER IF THESE ARROWS ARE A PROBLEM IN MISSOURA, IF SO MANY CARS END UP CAREENING TOWARD WALLS OR SOMETHING. I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE DONE IT. WE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE HAD A BETTER TIME. WHEN WE LEFT WE HAD CERTAIN EXPECTATIONS. we WERE GOING TO SEE A GIRL I HADN'T SEEN IN 4 YEARS. SHE TOLD US THAT SHE LIVED IN SOMETHING OF A PUNK HOUSE, THERE MIGHT BE A SHOW GOING ON WHILE WE WERE THERE, ETC. anyway THATS NOT IMPORTANT, THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS JON AND I WERE GOING TO CHECK OUT THEIR SCENE, MEET SOME PEOPLE AND JUST SEE HOW THINGS ARE SOMEWHERE ELSE. it TOOK US 6 HOURS TO GET THERE (JOHN DRIVES THE SPEED LIMIT, THAT'S A LITTLE PIECE OF ANARCHY FOR YA!), AND THEN WE FOUND NOTHING WAS HOW IT SEEMED. she LIVED ALONE, EXCEPT FOR HER FATHER WHO WAS VISITING FOR THE WEEKEND, AND HER ONLY FRIENDS WE WERE INTRODUCED TO WERE SOME GUY WITH HIS PAGER AND HIS CEL PHONE STRAPPED TO HIS BELT, AND A VALLEY GIRL. WE ASKED WHERE WE COULD FIND THIS SCENE OF THEIRS AND THE RESPONSE WAS LITERALLY "OH THEY HANG OUT UNDER THE BRIDGE-LET'S GO TO THE MALL!" which IS A VERY SAD THING, NOT ONLY BECAUSE WE HAD BEEN SO EXITED ONLY TO HAVE OUR DREAMS (AND MONEY) DASHED, BUT IF SOMEONE HAD COME INTO TULSA WHO WAS REALLY INTERESTED IN OUR SCENE, OR YOU WERE TO MEET SOMEONE WHO WASN'T , BUT WANTED TO BE INVOLVED IN IT IN SOME WAY, WOULDN'T YOU HELP THEM DO THAT? SO WE MISSED OUT ON SOMETHING THAT WOULD'VE BEEN VERY COOL FOR EVERYONE CONCERNED. IT'S KINDA LIKE THAT ANCIENT PROVERB:"if Matt Norman GETS DRUNK IN THE WOODS AND THERE'S NO ONE AROUND TO SEE HIM...WILL HE STILL GET ARRESTED?" WELL THE ANSWER TO THAT ONE IS PROBABLY YES, AS WE ARE ALL PROBABLY AWARE. I DON'T KNOW, I'M JUST TRYING TO KEEP THE MATT NORMAN REFERENCES ALIVE. AW FUCK IT I'M TIRED NOW, OH WELL THANKS FOR READING, I MIGHT WRITE ANOTHER IN ABOUT 6 MONTHS SO YOU CAN BE SURE NOT TO BUY THAT ONE, OR IF THAT HUGE OVERWHELMINGLY POSITIVE RESPONSE THAT I'M EXPECTING COMES IN, YOU MAY ONLY HAVE TO WAIT 5 MONTHS, YEAH THAT'S RIGHT. SO SEND IN THOSE LETTERS. AND IF YOU'RE INTERESTED I ALSO DID THE WANGERS INTERVIEW SO CHECK IT OUT, OR NOT...THAT WAS JUST LIKE MRR ENDNOTES, BUT ANYWAY, REMEMBER " YOU CAN'T GROUND A WANGER" , ALRIGHT I'M GOING BACK TO SLEEP NOW. FIN

Okay, I don't know, five o'clock in the morning probably isn't the best time in the world to make any attempt at a coherent collumn, but tonight I will live on the edge. Tonight I will turn delirium into creativity and no one will be ablre to tell the difference(except, of course for the people who read this. They, of course, will be able to tell the difference, But they aren't the one's I'm writing this for now are they?)(shut up). Anyway, isn't this supposed to be about music or something? Yeah, music--that's the ticket. Like my favorite bands Mystic Spiral, Crucial Taunt and Spinal Tap(N-SNYC?). Or maybe my least favorite bands like...uh...wait..no. I can't really think of anyone. Well, Limp Bizkit, I mean Korn, I mean Papa Roach. That's who I actually meantif you really care. I don't really feel so much like talking about music now but I will, however, try to create a musical point. I am going to prove something somewhere during this long, drawn out, and practically witless article regarding Screaching Weasel. This point isn't even trying to aim itself at any of you, only at my brother, but who knows, maybe somewhere more people are carrying on this same argument, but the argument is this(before I actrually explain the argument, I would just like to point out to you that I don't care who thinks Screaching Weasel aren't worth arguing about, and I also don't care who wants to leave it to a matter of opinion, as I pointed out earlier, this isn't about you): Evan argues that the Screaching Weasel album "How To Make Enemies And Irritate People" is the best album(by Screaching Weasel) that has come out thus far. He supports his theory by saying that none of the songs on the album are bad like the other albums that have such songs as "Radio Blast" and "I'm Not In Love" which are, admittedly, large peices of crap(I have also forgotten to point out that the only albums involved in this discussion are the albums up to "How To Make Enemies And Irritate People". Any album after that isn't even worth carrying on a drawn out and ridiculous conversation about. Imagine!)(shut up). I, however, argue that while indeed "How To Make Enemies And Irritate People" isn't a bad album and all the songs do happen to be good, they are not the same calibur good songs as the really good songs on the really good albums such as "My Brain Hurts" and "Anthem For A New Tomorrow". I think that it is worth putting up with 2 bad songs on an albumto have many great songs inbetween, not just one full mediocre album. I will atempt to prove my point through this article. Hopefully, by actually trying to make it menially witty and all and allpretty average. I won't necassarily be able to accomplish this for obvious reasons(first of all, we all know it would be next to unimaginable that I would write anything falling short or superb, but also we do not need a new discussion on the definition of average. That will have to come later when Jon assigns an article on punk rock which we all know he will.)(Love you Jon! colon, closed parenthesis...)But hopefully, if I acheive my goal of mediocrity, I will prove this musical point, therefore, turning this article(which from this point on will be based entirely on Tony Danza) into a music article, where upon I fit into GOML guidelines. Great, grand, marvelous, on to Tony Danza...Ok, I don't really have anything to say about Tony Danza, apologies to all those "Who's The Boss?" fans out there...both of you...But i really just couldn't come up with a thing about him that wasn't already played out and used up during his acting career. Yes, he's Italian. Yes, his name is Tony, and yes, he's an x-boxer. It almost makes me wonder if I can start a career based on me being a fat white girl with an inability to write anything of value only bad poetry re-writes like:"I do not like you Sam I am, I do not like burnt bacon and Spam"(God, I think I'm halfway there). Really though i guess I do have 1 or 2 things to actually talk about, one of which is a record review and the other a serious note on the closing of Mohawk Music. In case you live under a rock(or don't live near 51st and Sheridan, whichever) you probably already missed its closing.(In all fairness...uh...my mom had to tell me about it...so...you know...I've just been so out of the loop lately since I moved out my old place and got that new one under the rock...). But I went in for the last time today trying to find one last something or other, ended up with nothing, grabbed a flyer and left. But while I was browsing their near empty shelves, I actually came across a tape for, like 50 cents or something. \b And \b0 it was Adrenaline O.D./Ishtar, \b and\b0 it was the same damn tape I'd sold there 3 or 4 years ago that I probably ended up just giving to them when they wouldn't buy it from me. And thats when it hit me, this is total crap, I said to myself, nobody asked me if this was all okay. I haden't prepared for it. The Converse company gone, Joey Ramone, Mohawk Music...It isn't fair, I said to myself, and then myself had to counter, what a stupid thing to say, self. You area large idiot. And we drove off into the sunset. \par That was too stupid to even work off of, and I just need to get to the record review so I can play Dr Mario and go to sleep. Jon has entrusted me to place judgement on the new album by \b The Business \b0 (which won't even be in stores until July 10th. I'll of course, let you touch it for a quarter, but otherwise, you'll have to take my word on this)lovingly(probably) donated by the people at Epitaph records, who also sent along a little peice of paper that was supposed to make The Business sound like a really good band, but it was just full of adjectives and gave me a headache. So I'll do my best to give you something a little clearer and more believable. But I can only describe The Business by saying that they are one of those bands that make me wish I was drunk and singing loudly at some dark friendly bar with other people who know all the words and cheer a lot with their glasses in unison, or maybe just driving around at night also while drunk. But considering my life now consists of work and home, work and home, all it does is remind me over and over again that I'm boring and do nothing anymore causing me to hate The Business for not allowing me the freedom to sit quietly, maybe watching a little bit of telivision, and letting life pass me by in peace. Fucking band. They say "oi" a lot and mispell words in their lyric book...I love them. They have a song called "Steal This Record", so if you want them to like you, you should do that. They might have been being sarcastic though...you can take your chances. They might not like you if you interpret their lyrics wrong. Oh yeah, and the the album's called \b\i No Mercy For You\b0\i0 and you will like it and maybe Jon will write an actual review because I think that one might have sucked. But thats the end of the article and I like to think that it is just as average as I had hoped it would be and have now proved my point to the best of my abilities. To place a judgement on my opinions or to send love letters, whatever, write the GOML adress or email me @ spontaneous27@hotmail.com(I get lonely) Okay...well, thats it.