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The Day Scully's Demonic Teletubby Keychain Took Over the World

Part 4

Annie:

The crew of the documentary had no idea of the horror that awaited it. Laa-Laa, quite pitifully trampled, rose again! A searing white light burst in glorious rays out of his body and transcended the cheap plastic and fabric. This new Laa-Laa, this godlike creature who burned with the fire that is the essence of life, was none other than Mike the Headless Chicken! Mike promptly ate the crew and their film, thus ruining the chance of definitive proof of OVNIs for random French youth who get in trouble with le policier while carrying on a touching search for their lost childhood by visiting old houses with "No Trespassing" signs probably clearly posted. However, many of these youth are sadly un-cultured and prefer "Mutronics" and "Rockin' Fo" to the classics of their country, so they probably deserve to go to jail and eat bread and water in their claustrophobic "oubliettes." (The author would like to pause for a moment to apologize for her harsh critique of French youth and the loss of her subject, which was probably never even there.) At any rate, Mike ate a lot of people, despite his lack of an oral orifice. (Teletubby homines edit!!!!) But where is the true Teletubby Keychain? Perhaps it is Ichabod the Headless Possum, or Estelle the Headless Emu, or - shall we dare suggest it? - BOB THE HEADLESS TOMATO???? (Headless because Annie has bitten off his red, juicy, ripe - hey, wait! - Bob the Tomato never had a body to begin with! He was always just a head! So, logically, can we make the claim that any empty space is Bob the Headless Tomato? I think so....)

* * *


At precisely that moment, Corrine and Armelle came to the site of the OVNI, their means of propulsion being a striped shirt and a dragon puppet. Armelle called to Pierre using her lima bean teeth, which were a radio as well as several other spiffy things not yet revealed. Pierre came with the neighbor en bas, who was thankfully not wearing a little red speedo for several reasons, most having to do with the fact that she was an old lady, but also due to the fact that her being a fan of Mano Negra was not especially sexy, nor conducive to exposing 95% of her body (except in Pierre's mind, who had a weird tase in females for a 15-year-old boy). Jerome drove in and impressed Armelle with his sporty car. Jerome then proceeded to eat all of Pierre's food and steal his girlfriend and his cousin. Mike the Headless Chicken tried to give a sermon to these flighty French youth, but they failed to listen because he failed to be able to speak.

* * *


Somewhere, Mulder and Scully were having a wild, passionate game of checkers...

* * *


Diana Fowley, looking more like a prune than ever, prowled the site where the OVNI had landed. She had broken free of the alternate universe in which she had been captured. At least, that was how she saw it. Actually, the alternate universe had belched her out because it couldn't stand to look at her anymore. Unbeknownst to all but the author until this point, she was ...........ROGER CHILLINGWORTH!!!!!!!!!!!

* * *


Amy:

And as we all know, Roger Chillingworth is the quintessence of evil. He/she (this notation will henceforth be condensed to hse for no particular reason) is intent upon the destruction of Dimmesdale, who hse thinks is Scully. The only way Scully can save herself is to confess...

"To what?" you may ask. Well, that remains unknown.

Until now.

Chillingworth, in a fit of rage, barged in on Mulder and Scully's wild, passionate game of checkers. Hse immediately fell through the ceiling and into the room above. Bewildered, Chillingworth peered downward through the hole hse created. It was in the shape of an "A."

Mulder and Scully continued their wild, passionate game of checkers, undisturbed.

* * *


Taking a break from checkers (they were tired), Mulder (again wearing the Little Red Speedo for some unknown reason) and Scully decided to investigate the evil Teletubby once more. Then they changed their minds. Then, they went home. Each to their own home, rather disappointingly.

Matilda the cat grinned an evil cat grin. One can not be sure whether it was the grin of an evil cat, or if the grin itself was evil. Nonetheless, Matilda the cat grinned an evil cat grin.

Matilda the cat ate Bob the Headless Tomato.

Matilda the cat promptly regurgitated Bob the Headless Tomato.

Matilda hissed at Bob the Headless Tomato.

Bob the Headless Tomato died.

Bob the Headless Tomato was resurrected as Bob the Evil Dingo's Kidney. (In this case, the kidney was evil, not the dingo.)

And by the way, Scully was there, but she was busy destroying an iMac.

Mulder walked in, carrying something.

"I think this may help us," he announced.

"That's great, Mulder, but what is it?" came Scully's skeptical reply.

"I don't know, but I got it at K-Mart!" he proclaimed triumphantly.

Suddenly, a random OMer spoke up: "What is it? I know what it is!!"

Then came another voice, "Me too!"

"OK, one minute think time begins... now!!"

Matilda the cat blinked.

Mulder and Scully stared at each other, utterly confused.

"And... Go!"

And thus began the first random OMer. "It's a....

* * *


Risa:

Before the OMer could finish, however, Mulder and Scully's children came barreling down the stairs singing about random Austrian flowers. They began to pester their parents about various things. All except for Kurt, who was in love with Corinne and her stripey shirts and proceeded to right her French poetry.

Mulder decided that it was time to give his son the "checkers talk" and took him to the other room, leaving Scully to deal with six hungry, curtain-clad children. The OMers were abducted by happy hippy aliens totally unrelated to the previous aliens in this story, but no one noticed, not even the OMers or the aliens.

Bob the Tomato magically came back to life and was transported back to the VeggieTales world where he listened to songs about cheeseburgers and water buffalos.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Mulder and Scully's contact had a barbecue.

Suddenly, the neo-Laa-Laa disappeared off the face of the Earth. The Travel Channel Documentary did not notice.

In North Wales, PA, a Risa left the Risae, went to New York, and sang "Fame" on the streets for money.

Then she stopped.

Meanwhile, Matilda the evil cat grinning monk was assigned a new job, teaching Interpretive Calculus at a school called LaSalle...

* * *


Annie:

Fowley peered in the window of the Scully/Mulder (von Trapp?) home. She turned to her flunky, Evil Messenger Boy Who Rides a Bike and Sings a Song About How He is A Year Older Than That Girl (it's been a looong time since I've seen The Sound of Music). At any rate, Fowley/Chillingworth (F/C) was planning hse's final revenge against Mulder/Dimmesdale (M/D) and Scully/Hester (S/H).

This is in no way to imply that Fowley and Scully had any type of relationship. Whatsoever. So get it out of your dirty little head. Now. Did you hear me? NOW! STOP THIS DISGUSTING MADNESS!!!! I ORDER you! That's better. Anyway, .......STOP ALREADY!!!! STOP THINKING THAT, YOU!! Okay, whatever you think of that beyond this is your own dirty little problem. *I* have moved on with my life. Get professional help.

Anyway, reminiscent of a certain BBC production of a certain novel - Nathaniel Hawthorne, get off my neck! What? Stop harassing me, you insane man! Pry him off...pry..pry.....OFF!!!! Okay, I guess that little encounter was to tell me it's a ROMANCE - M/D and S/H reclined in the woods having a moment. Scully was softly singing "Jeremiah was a bullfrog...," quite possibly with the second verse included.

* * *


The demon-eyed Hester from the BBC production stalked the woods... Fowley moved in for an attack...the real Teletubby keychain was eating in a substandard diner called Eat 'n Park where no one would care if a keychain wanted dinner, 'cause all they were looking for was a profit for the famous "four funeral homes on one block," one probably for farm animals...

* * *


Alex the Squeaky Rat poked his l'il rodent head out of Sara's blazer. Suddenly, the world seemed to turn and whirl and take on the thousand hues of a rainbow...for Alex had seen a new l'il rat, a girl rat! This new love of Alex's was none other than Marita the Harsh Russian Rat....

* * *


Amy:

By now, quite a length of time has passed, while the story sat, unnoticed, an a blanket's mailbox. Mulder and Scully's children have grown up, gone to college, found jobs, been abducted by aliens, and discovered many truths, among them the fact that cheese makes good earwarmers. And inchworms are cool.

During this time, Mulder and Scully remained much the same. In fact, they remained exactly the same.

Through some odd fluke, they are still the same age as they were when we left them, even though their children have grown up. The Teletubby keychain and all related evils have long since died, except that they didn't. Actually, I lied again. They did. All of them. But now.... there is a new evil, one far more vile and malicious than anyone could have previously imagined. And for the time being, this evil shall be ignored, in favor of Mulder and Scully having wild, passionate sex. Afterwards, they returned once more to the halls of Mount Saint Joseph Academy, where tryouts for the next year's musical were going on. Taking a quick peek into the auditorium, Mulder and Scully decided that the potential cast was worthless. They would have to seek out stage crew.

Psychically aware of all thoughts of their idols, the crewies emerged from the shadows, where they had been anxiously awaiting the arrival of their beloved Mulder and Scully.

Scully smiled and slipped her hand into Mulder's.

A small crowd was gathering, including OMers, chess players,and all variety of spiffy binks.

Scully took a deep breath and began to speak:

"I have an announcement to make. I'd like you all to be the first to know--"

Suddenly, Mulder disappeared in a flash of light.

Somewhere, evil laughter was heard.

* * *


Much later, backstage where the crewies had brought Scully in a vain attempt to comfort her, Scully adorably vowed to find Mulder. She had to. After all....

"...I'm pregnant..."

The crewies cheered, only to have their acclaimations prematurely silenced by the arrival of something very strange...

* * *


Risa:

...the cast of Sesame Street. As the Muppetous population stormed into backstage in a refugee-like manner, Big Bird ducked under the scaffolding yelling a cry for help, "Save us from him...Mr. Rogers...is evil."

Then they were gone, fled out a conveniently placed backdoor. The crewies and a random impregnated Dana Scully stood backstage, slightly confuzzled, when all the lights in the theater suddenly went off with a loud "FOOM" from the strip board. A green spotlight was randomly cast upon a figure looming in the top of the left aisle. The crewies and Scully rushed out and the sight that unvieled before them revealed none other than...Cancerman. He stood ominously, bathed in the sickly green light as a close up zoomed into his face. He dropped a cigarrette onto the ground, extinguished it with his shoe, and said in his frightening voice "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood." A fish fell out of his pocket and stopped breathing.

Sara saw only one option. She grabbed her pair of Friskers and started to run insanely after the Cancerman/Mr. Rogers.

"THESE ARE FOR YOU!" she yelled as she chased him maniacally, "THESE ARE FOR RIPPING OFF DEAD AGAIN WITH THAT SMOKING THROUGH THE HOLE IN YOUR NECK SCENE."

Cancerman/Mr. Rogers screamed like a girl. He ran away, Sara in hot pursuit.

To the crewies, and by now, Scully, such events were quite normal. The lights in the theater came back on and the girls went back to their previous activity. Which was gawking at Scully's announcement. Scully completed her news by adding the fact that the baby would be a girl and she would be named Setsuna. The girls gushed.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch with Mulder's contact, some dogies got along.

Meanwhile, back in a random UFO, Mulder was surprised to discover that he was not in a UFO. He was in fact stuck on a Klingon Bird of Prey having been filled with Tribbles. As a panicky Klingon ran by, screaming like a girl in a very Cancermanesque fasion, Mulder realized that he would have to take charge.

He started to sing his rendition of "Shaft" and the Tribbles were captivated in a Pied-Piper-like fashion.

Singing all the way, Mulder led the Tribbles to a random cargo bay, from which he then transported them to a random planet near by, which happened to be populated by Electric electric blue emi.

The Klingons, to honor Mulder for saving him, gave him a Bat'leth (okay, I can't spell!), which he was too weak to support and subsequently impaled his toe. The Klingons laughed and sang drinking songs.

* * *


I want more!
This scares me. Make it go away.