The Day Scully's Demonic Teletubby Keychain Took Over the World
Part 4
Annie:
The crew of the documentary had no idea of the horror that awaited it.
Laa-Laa, quite pitifully trampled,
rose again! A searing white light burst in glorious rays out of his body and
transcended the cheap plastic
and fabric. This new Laa-Laa, this godlike creature who burned with the fire
that is the essence of life, was
none other than Mike the Headless Chicken! Mike promptly ate the crew and their
film, thus ruining the
chance of definitive proof of OVNIs for random French youth who get in trouble
with le policier while
carrying on a touching search for their lost childhood by visiting old houses
with "No Trespassing" signs
probably clearly posted. However, many of these youth are sadly un-cultured and
prefer "Mutronics"
and "Rockin' Fo" to the classics of their country, so they probably deserve to
go to jail and eat bread and
water in their claustrophobic "oubliettes." (The author would like to pause for
a moment to apologize for
her harsh critique of French youth and the loss of her subject, which was
probably never even there.) At
any rate, Mike ate a lot of people, despite his lack of an oral orifice.
(Teletubby homines edit!!!!) But where
is the true Teletubby Keychain? Perhaps it is Ichabod the Headless Possum, or
Estelle the Headless Emu, or
- shall we dare suggest it? - BOB THE HEADLESS TOMATO???? (Headless because
Annie has bitten off
his red, juicy, ripe - hey, wait! - Bob the Tomato never had a body to begin
with! He was always just a
head! So, logically, can we make the claim that any empty space is Bob the
Headless Tomato? I think so....)
* * *
At precisely that moment, Corrine and Armelle came to the site of the
OVNI, their means of
propulsion being a striped shirt and a dragon puppet. Armelle called to Pierre
using her lima bean teeth,
which were a radio as well as several other spiffy things not yet revealed.
Pierre came with the neighbor en
bas, who was thankfully not wearing a little red speedo for several reasons,
most having to do with
the fact that she was an old lady, but also due to the fact that her being a fan
of Mano Negra was not
especially sexy, nor conducive to exposing 95% of her body (except in Pierre's
mind, who had a weird tase
in females for a 15-year-old boy). Jerome drove in and impressed Armelle with
his sporty car. Jerome then
proceeded to eat all of Pierre's food and steal his girlfriend and his cousin.
Mike the Headless Chicken tried
to give a sermon to these flighty French youth, but they failed to listen
because he failed to be able to speak.
* * *
Somewhere, Mulder and Scully were having a wild, passionate game of
checkers...
* * *
Diana Fowley, looking more like a prune than ever, prowled the site
where the OVNI had landed. She
had broken free of the alternate universe in which she had been captured. At
least, that was how she saw
it. Actually, the alternate universe had belched her out because it couldn't
stand to look at her anymore.
Unbeknownst to all but the author until this point, she was ...........ROGER
CHILLINGWORTH!!!!!!!!!!!
* * *
Amy:
And as we all know, Roger Chillingworth is the quintessence of evil. He/she
(this notation will
henceforth be condensed to hse for no particular reason) is intent upon the
destruction of Dimmesdale, who
hse thinks is Scully. The only way Scully can save herself is to confess...
"To what?" you may ask. Well, that remains unknown.
Until now.
Chillingworth, in a fit of rage, barged in on Mulder and Scully's wild,
passionate game of checkers. Hse
immediately fell through the ceiling and into the room above. Bewildered,
Chillingworth peered downward
through the hole hse created. It was in the shape of an "A."
Mulder and Scully continued their wild, passionate game of checkers,
undisturbed.
* * *
Taking a break from checkers (they were tired), Mulder (again wearing the
Little Red Speedo for some
unknown reason) and Scully decided to investigate the evil Teletubby once more.
Then they changed their
minds. Then, they went home. Each to their own home, rather disappointingly.
Matilda the cat grinned an evil cat grin. One can not be sure whether it
was the grin of an evil cat, or if the
grin itself was evil. Nonetheless, Matilda the cat grinned an evil cat grin.
Matilda the cat ate Bob the Headless Tomato.
Matilda the cat promptly regurgitated Bob the Headless Tomato.
Matilda hissed at Bob the Headless Tomato.
Bob the Headless Tomato died.
Bob the Headless Tomato was resurrected as Bob the Evil Dingo's Kidney. (In
this case, the kidney was
evil, not the dingo.)
And by the way, Scully was there, but she was busy destroying an iMac.
Mulder walked in, carrying something.
"I think this may help us," he announced.
"That's great, Mulder, but what is it?" came Scully's skeptical reply.
"I don't know, but I got it at K-Mart!" he proclaimed triumphantly.
Suddenly, a random OMer spoke up: "What is it? I know what it is!!"
Then came another voice, "Me too!"
"OK, one minute think time begins... now!!"
Matilda the cat blinked.
Mulder and Scully stared at each other, utterly confused.
"And... Go!"
And thus began the first random OMer. "It's a....
* * *
Risa:
Before the OMer could finish, however, Mulder and Scully's children came
barreling down the stairs
singing about random Austrian flowers. They began to pester their parents about
various things. All except
for Kurt, who was in love with Corinne and her stripey shirts and proceeded to
right her French poetry.
Mulder decided that it was time to give his son the "checkers talk" and took him
to the other room, leaving
Scully to deal with six hungry, curtain-clad children. The OMers were abducted
by happy hippy aliens
totally unrelated to the previous aliens in this story, but no one noticed, not
even the OMers or the aliens.
Bob the Tomato magically came back to life and was transported back to the
VeggieTales world where he
listened to songs about cheeseburgers and water buffalos.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Mulder and Scully's contact had a barbecue.
Suddenly, the neo-Laa-Laa disappeared off the face of the Earth. The Travel
Channel Documentary did
not notice.
In North Wales, PA, a Risa left the Risae, went to New York, and sang "Fame"
on the streets for money.
Then she stopped.
Meanwhile, Matilda the evil cat grinning monk was assigned a new job,
teaching Interpretive Calculus at
a school called LaSalle...
* * *
Annie:
Fowley peered in the window of the Scully/Mulder (von Trapp?) home. She
turned to her flunky, Evil
Messenger Boy Who Rides a Bike and Sings a Song About How He is A Year Older
Than That Girl (it's
been a looong time since I've seen The Sound of Music). At any rate,
Fowley/Chillingworth (F/C) was
planning hse's final revenge against Mulder/Dimmesdale (M/D) and Scully/Hester
(S/H).
This is in no way to imply that Fowley and Scully had any type of
relationship. Whatsoever. So get it out
of your dirty little head. Now. Did you hear me? NOW! STOP THIS DISGUSTING
MADNESS!!!! I
ORDER you! That's better. Anyway, .......STOP ALREADY!!!! STOP THINKING THAT,
YOU!! Okay,
whatever you think of that beyond this is your own dirty little problem. *I*
have moved on with my life.
Get professional help.
Anyway, reminiscent of a certain BBC production of a certain novel -
Nathaniel Hawthorne, get off my
neck! What? Stop harassing me, you insane man! Pry him
off...pry..pry.....OFF!!!! Okay, I guess that little
encounter was to tell me it's a ROMANCE - M/D and S/H reclined in the woods
having a moment. Scully
was softly singing "Jeremiah was a bullfrog...," quite possibly with the second
verse included.
* * *
The demon-eyed Hester from the BBC production stalked the woods... Fowley
moved in for an
attack...the real Teletubby keychain was eating in a substandard diner called
Eat 'n Park where no one would
care if a keychain wanted dinner, 'cause all they were looking for was a profit
for the famous "four funeral
homes on one block," one probably for farm animals...
* * *
Alex the Squeaky Rat poked his l'il rodent head out of Sara's blazer.
Suddenly, the world seemed to turn
and whirl and take on the thousand hues of a rainbow...for Alex had seen a new
l'il rat, a girl rat! This new
love of Alex's was none other than Marita the Harsh Russian Rat....
* * *
Amy:
By now, quite a length of time has passed, while the story sat, unnoticed,
an a blanket's mailbox. Mulder
and Scully's children have grown up, gone to college, found jobs, been abducted
by aliens, and
discovered many truths, among them the fact that cheese makes good earwarmers.
And inchworms are
cool.
During this time, Mulder and Scully remained much the same. In fact, they
remained exactly the same.
Through some odd fluke, they are still the same age as they were when we left
them, even though their
children have grown up. The Teletubby keychain and all related evils have long
since died, except that they
didn't. Actually, I lied again. They did. All of them. But now.... there is
a new evil, one far more vile and
malicious than anyone could have previously imagined. And for the time being,
this evil shall be ignored, in
favor of Mulder and Scully having wild, passionate sex. Afterwards, they
returned once more to the halls of
Mount Saint Joseph Academy, where tryouts for the next year's musical were going
on. Taking a quick
peek into the auditorium, Mulder and Scully decided that the potential cast was
worthless. They would
have to seek out stage crew.
Psychically aware of all thoughts of their idols, the crewies emerged from
the shadows, where they had
been anxiously awaiting the arrival of their beloved Mulder and Scully.
Scully smiled and slipped her hand into Mulder's.
A small crowd was gathering, including OMers, chess players,and all variety
of spiffy binks.
Scully took a deep breath and began to speak:
"I have an announcement to make. I'd like you all to be the first to
know--"
Suddenly, Mulder disappeared in a flash of light.
Somewhere, evil laughter was heard.
* * *
Much later, backstage where the crewies had brought Scully in a vain attempt
to comfort her, Scully
adorably vowed to find Mulder. She had to. After all....
"...I'm pregnant..."
The crewies cheered, only to have their acclaimations prematurely silenced
by the arrival of something
very strange...
* * *
Risa:
...the cast of Sesame Street. As the Muppetous population stormed into
backstage in a refugee-like
manner, Big Bird ducked under the scaffolding yelling a cry for help, "Save us
from him...Mr. Rogers...is
evil."
Then they were gone, fled out a conveniently placed backdoor. The crewies
and a random impregnated
Dana Scully stood backstage, slightly confuzzled, when all the lights in the
theater suddenly went off with a
loud "FOOM" from the strip board. A green spotlight was randomly cast upon a
figure looming in the top
of the left aisle. The crewies and Scully rushed out and the sight that
unvieled before them revealed none
other than...Cancerman. He stood ominously, bathed in the sickly green light as
a close up zoomed
into his face. He dropped a cigarrette onto the ground, extinguished it with
his shoe, and said in his
frightening voice "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood." A fish fell out
of his pocket and stopped
breathing.
Sara saw only one option. She grabbed her pair of Friskers and started to
run insanely after the
Cancerman/Mr. Rogers.
"THESE ARE FOR YOU!" she yelled as she chased him maniacally, "THESE ARE FOR
RIPPING OFF
DEAD AGAIN WITH THAT SMOKING THROUGH THE HOLE IN YOUR NECK SCENE."
Cancerman/Mr. Rogers screamed like a girl. He ran away, Sara in hot
pursuit.
To the crewies, and by now, Scully, such events were quite normal. The
lights in the theater came back
on and the girls went back to their previous activity. Which was gawking at
Scully's announcement. Scully
completed her news by adding the fact that the baby would be a girl and she
would be named Setsuna. The
girls gushed.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch with Mulder's contact, some dogies got along.
Meanwhile, back in a random UFO, Mulder was surprised to discover that he
was not in a UFO. He was
in fact stuck on a Klingon Bird of Prey having been filled with Tribbles. As a
panicky Klingon ran by,
screaming like a girl in a very Cancermanesque fasion, Mulder realized that he
would have to take charge.
He started to sing his rendition of "Shaft" and the Tribbles were captivated in
a Pied-Piper-like fashion.
Singing all the way, Mulder led the Tribbles to a random cargo bay, from which
he then transported them
to a random planet near by, which happened to be populated by Electric electric
blue emi.
The Klingons, to honor Mulder for saving him, gave him a Bat'leth (okay, I
can't spell!), which he was too
weak to support and subsequently impaled his toe. The Klingons laughed and sang
drinking songs.
* * *
I want more!
This scares me. Make it go away.