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The Day Scully's Demonic Teletubby Keychain Took Over the World

Part 3

Risa:

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Mulder and Scully's contact was wrangling cattle.

* * *


Scully flopped down on the couch, thoroughly ignoring Mulder.

"Oof," he said as Scully inadvertantly kicked him in the stomach in the process of completing her couch- flopping action.

Scully stared at the ceiling trying to count the number of tiles on it. By the time she was on number 142, Mulder was still watching the Cartoon Network.

"Mulder," she began, "This is silly."

"Shh. I'm watching ReBoot," he replied.

"Mulder we have a job," Scully said, not moving from her place flat on her back on the couch staring at the ceiling.

"Only when we're not kicked out of the FBI," Mulder responded, still glued to the television, "which is often."

"Well, watching cartoons can't help anything at all," Scully argued, trying to be a voice of reason and failing miserably, "We have to work at something."

"At least it's not Teletubbies," Mulder said, beginning a lecture, "Animation a beautiful art form."

He whipped out his random slide projector and started an infamous MulderSlideShow (TM). "From the silly musings of characters from Bugs Bunny to the Animaniacs with the simple charm of Nicktoons mixed in, America has produced some great animation. Meanwhile, with beautiful art and exciting plot lines, Japanese animation is probably the greatest animation ever created, especially in the sci-fi and fantasy genres, but in others as well. Now this show," he said, turning towards the TV, "is from CANADA. Canada is a fun place. In fact, we're in Canada right now, and I don't know about you, but I'm having FUN. Now, cartoons are the best form of children's entertainment in the world, excluding anything involving Muppets. I mean, look at the alternatives to cartoons and Muppets. Look at Teletubbies. Or Barney."

A picture of a dead cow flashed on Mulder's slide projector screen, "These are not good things. At all. So you see, the best children's programming in the world is that the relates not only to children, but to children and adults alike."

Scully stared at her partner intently, as one stares at a man in a dress running around downtown Lansing Michigan shouting incoherently about pole dancers from Mars invading his sock drawer. She took a sip of her LaBatt Blue beer. She stared at Mulder some more. Then she put down her beer, stood up, turned off the TV, grabbed Mulder by the arm and dragged him out of the house.

"Where are we going?" asked Mulder.

"I don't know, but you definitely need to get out more and this is the perfect time to start."

* * *


Annie:

Scully led Mulder back to the Aurora and, after carefully buckling him in, took off for a random high school in Pennsylvania. After several hours and several embarrassing incidents involving supposed sightings of Yoda, Barney, and Laa-Laa (they turned out to be children's toys), S & M arrived in Flourtown.

As Scully and Mulder entered the building, they heard awful, obnoxious noises. After whipping out their guns and searching the building, they discovered that the sounds were voices that belonged to several cast members of the musical Meet Me in St. Louis.

"Finally!" cried a strange, strange girl wearing a Pearl Jam shirt and sitting at a podium marked with "Stage Manager" and a fish. "Help us drive out these horrible, not-at-all spiffy musical people!"

"Yes, yes!!!!!" screamed the other crewies, who in the dark seemed a heck of a lot more numerous than they actually were.

"They're brandishing some wicked-looking 2x4s and more duct tape than I've ever seen in a single location," whispered the "Man with 42-Degree Angle Hair," as the crewies insisted on calling Mulder as they gazed wistfully at him.

"I think we'd better help them," agreed Scully.

"FOOM! FOOM! FOOM!" yelled the crewies in jubilance. Mulder and Scully, instead of obliging, drove out all the evil cast members and returned backstage for further instructions.

"What now?" asked a girl with very long, very blond hair. A soph with slightly less long & slightly less blond hair replied, "I think we can compensate for the minor loss of the cast. Mulder, you are Tootie. Scully, you are Mr. Smith, except during the Bamboo Song, when you will play Esther, so you and Mulder can have UST-y moments."

Mulder and Scully stared at each other. UST?

So, the show went on, despite the occasional avocado or rutabaga thrown on stage (the audience was too creative for tomatoes) and frequent shouts of, "When I was a young'n, we put on musicals with more than two actors and three characters!" In response to these minor disturbances, the crew played the X-Files theme very, very loudly and sang the lyrics. In short, it was the best Mount show ever.

* * *


In the middle of the show, Kermit the Frog dressed in a toga appeared. The crewies set him to work playing all the remaining characters while they devoured Bundt cake. Stage left was deprived of this delicacy because l'il Payne was no longer present to fetch it to them.

* * *


Alex the Squeaky Rat (still not quite as hot as his namesake) peered out of Sara's blazer and stole a sneaky glance at Mulder. Unbeknownst to Mulder, Alex, Sara's minion, was devising a plot for his mistress which involved getting Mulder into the Little Red Speedo....

* * *


Amy:

In spite of not being as hot as his namesake, Alex the Squeaky Rat somehow managed to carry out his not-so-sinister plot. Mulder, noticing that he was wearing the Little Red Speedo, ran into the dressing room to dance in front of the mirror. Thankfully, he was in his own body, and not that of the skeevy guy.

Scully, also noticing that Mulder was wearing the Little Red Speedo, followed him into the dressing room, where they proceeded to have wild, passionate sex, while all the crewies cheered.

Meanwhile, a UFO landed on top of the school, and Mulder and Scully paid absolutely no attention.

The UFO departed.

* * *


A length of time passed. We don't know how long this length of time was, but we do know that Mulder and Scully were now in the courtyard, where there was now a large crop circle next to the greenhouse.

(Note: Everyone was quite happy at this point, due to an unknown incident which had happened earlier. All right, it's not unknown. It's the fact that Mulder and Scully had recently had wild, passionate sex.)

Anyway, they were now investigating a crop circle in the courtyard. But this crop circle was no ordinary crop circle. This crop circle... was shaped like... a Teletubby....

Now, it could be argued that since it was near the greenhouse, which is where the greenhouse club members have greenhouse club meetings without Janine, and greenhouse club members are known to kill things. However, Mulder felt the need to investigate more.

Scully, being always the supportive partner, followed him into the tiny little greenhouse, saying, "Mulder, what could we possibly find in here?"

The crewies, however, having much more insight into such matters than Scully, knew exactly why they were in a tiny little greenhouse together...

* * *


Risa:

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Scully and Mulder's contact attended a rodeo.

Meanwhile, back in New York, Matilda the evil cat decided to become a monk.

Meanwhile, Mulder and Scully revealed that they have actually been married for twelve years and have seven children. In fact, their whole supposed developing relationship that occured during the show was nothing more than a ploy to throw off evil government conspiracies, yicky potato salad, spontaneously- pious cats, and demonic Teletubby keychains. Mulder and Scully retrieved their children from the greenhouse, where they had been stashed for three days, and introduced them to the Mounties in age order: Liesel, Kurt, Louisa, Brigita, Freidrick, Marta, and Gretel.

Meanwhile, back in Bahrain, Scully's Demonic Teletubby Keychain wandered through the desert, bracing its little head against the treacherous sandstormy winds. It finally saw its goal, however, as it a approached a large UFO, which was technically a UO, since it wasn't flying, but was just kind of sitting there. In which case it would actually be a USTO. But none of that matters in France, where the merry citizens would simply shout "OVNI! OVNI!"

Just as the Teletubby Keychain was about to reach its other-worldy destination, tragedy struck, as it was trampled by a passing Travel Channel Documentary.

* * *


I want more!
This scares me. Make it go away.