The Day Scully's Demonic Teletubby Keychain Took Over the World
Part 3
Risa:
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Mulder and Scully's contact was
wrangling
cattle.
* * *
Scully flopped down on the couch, thoroughly ignoring Mulder.
"Oof," he said as Scully inadvertantly kicked him in the
stomach in the
process of completing her couch-
flopping action.
Scully stared at the ceiling trying to count the number of
tiles on it. By
the time she was on number 142,
Mulder was still watching the Cartoon Network.
"Mulder," she began, "This is silly."
"Shh. I'm watching ReBoot," he replied.
"Mulder we have a job," Scully said, not moving from her place
flat on her
back on the couch staring at
the ceiling.
"Only when we're not kicked out of the FBI," Mulder responded,
still glued
to the television, "which is
often."
"Well, watching cartoons can't help anything at all," Scully
argued,
trying
to be a voice of reason and
failing miserably, "We have to work at something."
"At least it's not Teletubbies," Mulder said, beginning a
lecture,
"Animation a beautiful art form."
He whipped out his random slide projector and started an
infamous
MulderSlideShow (TM). "From the
silly musings of characters from Bugs Bunny to the Animaniacs with
the simple
charm of Nicktoons mixed
in, America has produced some great animation. Meanwhile, with
beautiful art
and exciting
plot lines, Japanese animation is probably the greatest animation
ever
created,
especially in the sci-fi and
fantasy genres, but in others as well. Now this show," he said,
turning
towards
the TV, "is from CANADA.
Canada is a fun place. In fact, we're in Canada right now, and I
don't know
about you, but I'm having FUN.
Now, cartoons are the best form of children's entertainment in the
world,
excluding anything involving
Muppets. I mean, look at the alternatives to cartoons and Muppets.
Look at
Teletubbies. Or Barney."
A picture of a dead cow flashed on Mulder's slide projector
screen, "These
are not good things. At all.
So you see, the best children's programming in the world is that
the relates
not
only to children, but to
children and adults alike."
Scully stared at her partner intently, as one stares at a man
in a dress
running around downtown Lansing
Michigan shouting incoherently about pole dancers from Mars
invading his sock
drawer. She took a sip of
her LaBatt Blue beer. She stared at Mulder some more. Then she
put down her
beer, stood up, turned off
the TV, grabbed Mulder by the arm and dragged him out of the house.
"Where are we going?" asked Mulder.
"I don't know, but you definitely need to get out more and this
is the
perfect time to start."
* * *
Annie:
Scully led Mulder back to the Aurora and, after carefully
buckling him in,
took off for a random high
school in Pennsylvania. After several hours and several
embarrassing
incidents
involving supposed
sightings of Yoda, Barney, and Laa-Laa (they turned out to be
children's
toys),
S & M arrived in Flourtown.
As Scully and Mulder entered the building, they heard awful,
obnoxious
noises. After whipping out their
guns and searching the building, they discovered that the sounds
were voices
that belonged to several cast
members of the musical Meet Me in St. Louis.
"Finally!" cried a strange, strange girl wearing a Pearl Jam
shirt and
sitting at a podium marked with
"Stage Manager" and a fish. "Help us drive out these horrible,
not-at-all
spiffy
musical people!"
"Yes, yes!!!!!" screamed the other crewies, who in the dark
seemed a heck
of
a lot more numerous than
they actually were.
"They're brandishing some wicked-looking 2x4s and more duct
tape than I've
ever seen in a single
location," whispered the "Man with 42-Degree Angle Hair," as the
crewies
insisted on calling Mulder as they
gazed wistfully at him.
"I think we'd better help them," agreed Scully.
"FOOM! FOOM! FOOM!" yelled the crewies in jubilance. Mulder and
Scully,
instead of obliging, drove
out all the evil cast members and returned backstage for further
instructions.
"What now?" asked a girl with very long, very blond hair. A
soph with
slightly less long & slightly less
blond hair replied, "I think we can compensate for the minor loss
of the cast.
Mulder, you are Tootie. Scully,
you are Mr. Smith, except during the Bamboo Song, when you will
play Esther,
so
you and Mulder can
have UST-y moments."
Mulder and Scully stared at each other. UST?
So, the show went on, despite the occasional avocado or
rutabaga thrown on
stage (the audience was too
creative for tomatoes) and frequent shouts of, "When I was a
young'n, we put
on
musicals with more than
two actors and three characters!" In response to these minor
disturbances,
the
crew played the X-Files
theme very, very loudly and sang the lyrics. In short, it was the
best Mount
show ever.
* * *
In the middle of the show, Kermit the Frog dressed in a toga
appeared.
The
crewies set him to work
playing all the remaining characters while they devoured Bundt
cake. Stage
left
was deprived of this
delicacy because l'il Payne was no longer present to fetch it to
them.
* * *
Alex the Squeaky Rat (still not quite as hot as his namesake)
peered out
of
Sara's blazer and stole a
sneaky glance at Mulder. Unbeknownst to Mulder, Alex, Sara's
minion, was
devising a plot for his mistress
which involved getting Mulder into the Little Red Speedo....
* * *
Amy:
In spite of not being as hot as his namesake, Alex the Squeaky Rat somehow
managed to carry out his not-so-sinister plot. Mulder, noticing that he was wearing the Little Red
Speedo, ran into the dressing room to dance in front of the mirror. Thankfully, he was in his own body, and not
that of the skeevy guy.
Scully, also noticing that Mulder was wearing the Little Red Speedo,
followed him into the dressing room, where they proceeded to have wild, passionate sex, while all the crewies
cheered.
Meanwhile, a UFO landed on top of the school, and Mulder and Scully paid
absolutely no attention.
The UFO departed.
* * *
A length of time passed. We don't know how long this length of time was,
but we do know that Mulder
and Scully were now in the courtyard, where there was now a large crop circle
next to the greenhouse.
(Note: Everyone was quite happy at this point, due to an unknown incident which
had happened
earlier. All right, it's not unknown. It's the fact that Mulder and Scully had
recently had wild, passionate
sex.)
Anyway, they were now investigating a crop circle in the courtyard.
But this crop circle was no ordinary crop circle. This crop circle... was
shaped like... a Teletubby....
Now, it could be argued that since it was near the greenhouse, which is
where the greenhouse club
members have greenhouse club meetings without Janine, and greenhouse club
members are known to kill
things. However, Mulder felt the need to investigate more.
Scully, being always the supportive partner, followed him into the tiny
little greenhouse, saying, "Mulder,
what could we possibly find in here?"
The crewies, however, having much more insight into such matters than
Scully, knew exactly why they
were in a tiny little greenhouse together...
* * *
Risa:
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Scully and Mulder's contact attended a rodeo.
Meanwhile, back in New York, Matilda the evil cat decided to become a monk.
Meanwhile, Mulder and Scully revealed that they have actually been married
for twelve years and have
seven children. In fact, their whole supposed developing relationship that
occured during the show was
nothing more than a ploy to throw off evil government conspiracies, yicky potato
salad, spontaneously-
pious cats, and demonic Teletubby keychains. Mulder and Scully retrieved their
children from the
greenhouse, where they had been stashed for three days, and introduced them to
the Mounties in age order:
Liesel, Kurt, Louisa, Brigita, Freidrick, Marta, and Gretel.
Meanwhile, back in Bahrain, Scully's Demonic Teletubby Keychain wandered
through the desert, bracing
its little head against the treacherous sandstormy winds. It finally saw its
goal, however, as it a approached
a large UFO, which was technically a UO, since it wasn't flying, but was just
kind of sitting there. In which
case it would actually be a USTO. But none of that matters in France, where the
merry citizens would
simply shout "OVNI! OVNI!"
Just as the Teletubby Keychain was about to reach its other-worldy
destination, tragedy struck, as it was
trampled by a passing Travel Channel Documentary.
* * *
I want more!
This scares me. Make it go away.