The Day Scully's Demonic Teletubby Keychain Took Over the World
Part 2
Annie:
Mulder and Scully suddenly found themselves standing inexplicably in the
woods.
"What's going on?" said Scully.
"Now I'll never be a prarie wife," whined Mulder. "I'll never get to
churn butter or quilt or make my own
dresses."
By now Mulder was singing, "Meet me in St. Louie, Louie, meet me at the
fair."
"Arrrrr," said an aggravated Scully. "Let's go. There's our car right
over there."
But, as they approached the car, who was inside but the horror to end all
horrors (except maybe Matilda
and Laa-Laa), Agent Fowley!
Scully's eyes narrowed and a red flame began to grow in them. She opened
the car door, raised her foot
shod in a sharp, long Scully heel, and attempted to impale Fowley on it.
As soon as the heel struck, Fowley vanished and Laa-Laa sat there. The
keychain ran out and down the
road again.
Scully was getting rather sick of these chases. Besides, they never went
anywhere. She really should get
that ramen tested...
"Agent Scully, the lab tests show there's nothing wrong with the ramen.
However, we also tested the
potato salad and there is a trace of an hallucinatory drug in it."
"I knew it," said Scully. "Why would a Teletubby keychain want to take
over the world unless it's
drugged?"
Later that evening, Scully was searching Mulder's apartment for no
apparent reason. All of a sudden,
she saw Laa-Laa.
She pulled out her lightsaber and cut its head off. She then proceeded to
throw it out the window.
Yoda joined her from nowhere and said sagely, "Always two there are, a
master and an apprentice."
"Yes," said Scully. "The question is, did we kill the master...or the
apprentice?"
* * *
Amy (thats me) :
Yoda looked at Scully for a moment before replying, "Ask the wrong question
you do. Never will you
know the right answer."
Scully glared at him. "Stop talking in riddles you...! Just answer my
question!!!!"
"Obvious that is. Laa-Laa... the apprentice he was, yes."
"And just how did you come to that conclusion?"
Surprisingly, Yoda began to laugh! Scully watched in horror as his cute
little green body took on a
disgusting purple color and grew to a monstrous size, sprouting a long purple
tail. Looming over her, it
smiled a sickeningly happy smile and began to sing, "I love you... You love
me..."
Scully looked at Barney.
Barney looked at Scully.
Scully continued to look at Barney.
Barney smiled.
"I think I'm going to be sick!" Scully yelled in its face.
Nevertheless, she somehow found her gun and prepared to destroy the foul
creature.
Barney looked at the gun.
The gun looked at Barney.
Barney smiled at the gun.
Scully dropped the gun and ran to the window. She stuck her head outside.
Unfortunately for some
unlucky pedestrian, she had recently eaten some of the ramen. It wasn't a
pretty sight. Then she turned and
immediately realized her fatal mistake. Barney had the gun.
Or maybe he didn't. That's odd. The room was completely empty. Barney
was gone, although how he
managed to fit through the door remained a mystery. Also, Laa-Laa's corpse was
gone.
"Damn!" said Scully. Amazingly enough, her gun was still there. Then
again, maybe it wasn't so
amazing. She hardly believed that Barney would ever touch a gun. But if Yoda
was Barney....
Scully swore again and ran out of the apartment.
* * *
Mulder opened his eyes and couldn't see. He tried to sit up and felt a
sharp pain in his head. When he
opened his eyes again, he realized that he wasn't sitting up. He tried again,
and again it didn't work.
"What was in that ramen???" he groaned miserably. By this time he had
noticed a dull roar in his mind
that refused to go away. His eyes were starting to adjust to the darkness and
he realized that he was in a
car. He looked up and saw that there was absolutely no reason his head should
hurt. Stupid ramen.
Mulder found that he could move freely, if he ignored the fact that he
couldn't yet sit up. He tried to do
it anyway. After his head stopped spinning, he realized that the car didn't
appear to be moving. What was
this?!? Theories of alien abductions raced through his mind, but he had no
proof. That never stopped him
before, but something was different this time...
"MULDER!"
He was jolted out of his private thoughts by the sudden yell which pierced
the deafening silence.
"Mulder, open the door!"
Scully?
He fumbled for the lock, and then couldn't find it.
"Mulder, can you hear me? Unlock the door!"
Of course! This was his car! The new one! Now he had no trouble finding
the unlock button. With a
quick "bink" the doors unlocked.
As he struggled to remain upright, a dark figure scrambled in, slammed the
door, and hit the gas, leaving
something shrieking in the distance.
"What in hell was that??" Mulder said.
"I don't know," came the reply,"one of the locals is my guess. How are you
feeling Mulder? That ramen
was pretty bad."
Mulder shrugged. Then he said, " What's happening here Scully?"
She explained what happened in his apartment, skipping over the part about
the passerby under the
window.
"But what does all that have to do with that dude who you were running
from?"
"Oh, that," said Scully in a bored tone. "I think you're going to need to
wash your window when you get
home." She refused to say anything else on the subject.
* * *
Annie:
Meanwhile, in another part of the world, the REAL Diana Fowley got
sucked
into
the black hole of Valley
Forge National Park and was never seen again. Everybody cheered.
* * *
Back in D.C., Mulder and Scully were pinpointing the pattern
of the
recent
attacks. They had a big map
and stuck random pushpins into it to mark the locations of each
Laa-Laa/Barney/evil Matilda the Cat
sighting. When they were done, they stood back and looked in
astonishment at
the implications of their
work.
"Hmm," Scully hmmed briefly.
"Hmmmm," Mulder hmmed in a slightly more drawled out fashion.
"Well," said Scully after several seconds of silence, "I guess
you know
what this means."
"Yup," said Mulder, "Two round trip tickets to Canada."
As the two exited Mulder's apartment, the camera remained
fixed upon the
map on the coffeetable,
revealing the fact that the pushpins form an arrow pointing
directly to
Manitoba...
* * *
Amy (thats me again):
Arriving the next morning in Manitoba (on the west coast?),
Agents Mulder
and Scully stepped off of
the plane, ready to assume their new identity. The dude there
addressed them
as
"the happy couple."
Scully grimaced. She said, "Why is it we always end up going
undercover
as
husband and wife?"
"What? Is there something wrong with that?" Mulder replied.
Scully paused and looked at him. "Never mind. Let's just go
get
started."
* * *
Together they exited the airport onto a busy street. A shiny
black car
with tinted windows pulled up
unnoticed. As the two of them walked towards a taxi cab, the
window rolled
halfway down to reveal the
face of a man. But this was no ordinary man. This man bore a
striking
resemblance to the unlucky
pedestrian who just happened to be walking underneath the window
to Mulder's
apartment at a very
inoppurtune moment...
As Mulder and Scully's cab pulled away, the tinted window went
back up,
and the car eased into the
street behind them.
* * *
In the house belonging to their borrowed identities, Scully
was busy
unpacking all sorts of strange
equipment. Mulder was watching TV.
"Mulder, what exactly does watching cartoons have to do with
this case?"
On the screen, Bugs Bunny munched on a carrot.
"Absolutely nothing," Mulder said. "It's just that I don't
think we'll
be
needing any of that junk and there
is nothing better to do until our contact contacts us."
"Since when do we have a contact?"
"Don't we always?"
"No."
* * *
I want more!
This scares me. Make it go away.