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The Day Scully's Demonic Teletubby Keychain Took Over the World

Part 1

Annie:

One day our favorite agents were on vacation. Mulder was bored so he called Scully down to the FBI basement office.

"Well, Mulder, what's the problem?"

"Ummmm...I made some cheese sandwiches...I thought we could...you know...eat them."

"What? You called me halfway across town to eat some cheese?"

"It's not just cheese, Scully. I also have tomatoes, mayonnaise, lettuce, and oregano. Not to mention potato salad I made myself."

"Mulder, excuse me, but I have a life to attend to. I can't just eat cheese all day."

"Sorry. I didn't know that I'm a geek with nothing to do but hunt for conspiracies and cheese. Thanks for telling me."

"Oh, gosh, Mulder, I didn't mean it like that. I admire your tenacity but sometimes you should just get away from your job."

"I have nothing else to do but sleep on a lumpy old couch."

"And I've got to babysit my niece."

"Have fun," Mulder chuckled as he ate a spoonful of his homemade potato salad. He immediately spit it out.

Scully smiled at her inept partner. "Well, I've really got to go."

She pulled out her keychain and Mulder screamed when he saw it.

"Scully.....that's.....that's..." he choked.

"A Teletubby. Laa-Laa, in fact. I hate it just as much as you do, but it was a present from my niece and I don't want to offend her."

Suddenly Laa-Laa started moving! It stood up on the desk where Scully had thrown it and moved toward the potato salad!

Mulder shrieked a very high-pitched, womanly shriek as Laa-Laa started eating the disgusting stuff and then jumped down and ran out of the office.

* * *


Later that evening, Mulder and Scully (who decided not to babysit her niece) sat in his apartment watching the news.

"And our top story tonight...an evil keychain in the form of the Teletubby Laa-Laa, apparently possessed by some horrific force, quite possibly Barney..."

"Told you Barney was evil," said Mulder.

"Shhhhhh,"said Scully.

"....is holding the world ransom for 57 cents. No word yet on whether a piece of plastic will be paid such a ridiculous sum. Why, you could buy a few pieces of gum for that. Or that green glittery goop you get in plastic containers from machines in the supermarket."

"It seems to me," said Mulder in a satisfied tone,"that our vacation is over. Now it is my theory that if we feed Laa-Laa the direct antithesis of potato salad(obviously he became evil from consuming my potato salad) he will go back to being simply annoying."

"And the direct opposite of potato salad is obviously...."

* * *


Amy:

With a dramatic pause and a grin, Mulder picks up something from the floor. "...cat food!!!" he stated triumphantly.

A very exasperated Scully replied, "Mulder, I'm supposed to be baby-sitting my niece now. I'm sure there's some other explanation for this. It was probably a motorized toy and this is just an elaborate hoax."

Very mysteriously, "Alright Scully, but I'm going to check this out. I have a feeling that there's more to this than they're saying on TV."

With that, Mulder walked out of his apartment, leaving Scully calling to him to come back. He turned and

yelled back, "Keep in touch, Scully." Agent Scully walked back into the apartment and peered down at the cat food. When did Mulder get a cat?

* * *


Without her keys, Scully was forced to walk home. When she finally gave up looking for the cat and finished destroying that foul potato salad, it was pitch black outside. The night seemed strangely calm, with no hint of the malice she had seen in the eyes of Laa-Laa. Could Mulder be right? It all seemed to fit together so perfectly, but... cat food? Maybe he really lost it this time.

She took out her cell phone and stared at it. Then, she sighed and put it away. Now was not the time to spend possibly hundreds of dollars on a phone call to find out what he was up to, as much as she wanted to hear his voice right now.

"Maybe," Scully said aloud, "it's time to do a little investigating of my own."

* * *


New York City, 11:21 PM

Inside one of the Big Apple's many crowded, shabby apartment

buildings, all the way up on the 24th

floor, the obnoxious sound of a television left on too loud and unwatched

drifted through the tightly

shut windows. Even locked, they were not a significant barrier for this...

this... words cannot even describe

it. It was too horrible. And there, on the floor, in front of the bearer of

this dreadful monstrosity, was....

* * *


Risa:

...Mulder's new cat Matilda. Matilda was a particularly normal-looking gray cat with a black spot on his left front foot. He wasn't particularly fond of cat food, but that was all that weirdo of an owner ever gave him...except for that vile potato salad.... Most of the time,Mulder forget to feed him anyway, so Matilda himself had to find a stray can of tuna and operate the can opener using nothing but his l'il cat paws. But Matilda had a PLAN. He had orchestrated a conspiracy involving one of his little yellow friends, Mulder's potato salad and some rare drugs. If all was executed according to Matilda's plan, all of Mulder's cat food would be needed for a use other than feeding his poor, cat-food hating cat. After all, all Matilda the Cat wanted was a good cheese sandwich...

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Mulder was sitting in a car, having a stakeout (not a steak-out, which would involve a barbecue, a backyard, a bunch of neighbors, and a volleyball game). As he leaned back in his seat munching on some ramen noodles and root beer and listening to the rapturous soundtrack of Hello Dolly!, Scully characteristically appeared out of nowhere to join him. After all, they had some of their best times on random stakeouts that very rarely served a purpose other than to provide moments of UST, DAL, and RAIG (random, awww-inspiring goopiness). As Scully plopped into the passanger seat, she noticed the spiffiness of the car she was in.

"Hey Mulder," she began, "Is this *dramatic pause* an Aurora?"

"Well hello WELL HELLO Dolly, yes hello YES HELLO Dolly, it's so nice to have you back where you belong..." replied Mulder in a semi-off key fashion.

"Yes it is!" Scully squealed in excitement, ignoring her musical partner and reading the name of the car for herself, "Ooh!! These cars have niftly seat warmers!" After turning on the aforementioned nifty feature of the car, she leaned back and enjoyed the toastiness they provided. For several moments, nothing could be heard in the car except for Mulder's dissonance with the Hello Dolly! recording. Then suddenly Mulder shot up straight as if in shock, dropped his ramen on his pants, and turned off the music.

"I want to move to Canyon Junction, Wyoming to be a prarie wife!" he exclaimed.

Scully, for a brief moment, contemplated testing Mulder's ramen for hallucinatory drugs, but decided against it due to the facts that Mulder would say that sort of thing in what she reasonably assumed resembled his right mind and that the ramen was now all over his pants and performing any tests would involve removing them. Not that that idea in itself sounded all that bad, but she was a good little Catholic girl and wouldn't never think of anything like that before marriage. But none of that mattered, for as her eyes moved from her partner to the road, she saw a small, potato-salad covered yellow object running down the street.

"Follow that keychain!" she exclaimed to her partner. Mulder, however, was too busy cleaning off his pants and dreaming of becoming a prarie wife that he failed to hear Scully's frantic cries. Scully rolled her eyes and, a few seconds later (thanks to her mad judo skills), was sitting in the driver's seat, careening after the Laa-Laa keychain with Mulder in the back seat unconscious. Together, they followed the Teletubby into the night...

* * *


I want more!
This scares me. Make it go away.