The Day Scully's Demonic Teletubby Keychain Took Over the World
Part 1
Annie:
One day our favorite agents were on vacation. Mulder was bored so he
called Scully down to the FBI
basement office.
"Well, Mulder, what's the problem?"
"Ummmm...I made some cheese sandwiches...I thought we could...you
know...eat them."
"What? You called me halfway across town to eat some cheese?"
"It's not just cheese, Scully. I also have tomatoes, mayonnaise,
lettuce, and oregano. Not to mention
potato salad I made myself."
"Mulder, excuse me, but I have a life to attend to. I can't just eat
cheese all day."
"Sorry. I didn't know that I'm a geek with nothing to do but hunt for
conspiracies and cheese. Thanks
for telling me."
"Oh, gosh, Mulder, I didn't mean it like that. I admire your tenacity but
sometimes you should just get
away from your job."
"I have nothing else to do but sleep on a lumpy old couch."
"And I've got to babysit my niece."
"Have fun," Mulder chuckled as he ate a spoonful of his homemade potato
salad. He immediately spit
it out.
Scully smiled at her inept partner. "Well, I've really got to go."
She pulled out her keychain and Mulder screamed when he saw it.
"Scully.....that's.....that's..." he choked.
"A Teletubby. Laa-Laa, in fact. I hate it just as much as you do, but it
was a present from my niece and
I don't want to offend her."
Suddenly Laa-Laa started moving! It stood up on the desk where Scully
had thrown it and moved
toward the potato salad!
Mulder shrieked a very high-pitched, womanly shriek as Laa-Laa started
eating the
disgusting stuff and then jumped down and ran out of the office.
* * *
Later that evening, Mulder and Scully (who decided not to babysit her
niece) sat in his apartment
watching the news.
"And our top story tonight...an evil keychain in the form of the
Teletubby Laa-Laa, apparently
possessed by some horrific force, quite possibly Barney..."
"Told you Barney was evil," said Mulder.
"Shhhhhh,"said Scully.
"....is holding the world ransom for 57 cents. No word yet on whether a
piece of plastic will be paid
such a ridiculous sum. Why, you could buy a few pieces of gum for that. Or that
green glittery goop
you get in plastic containers from machines in the supermarket."
"It seems to me," said Mulder in a satisfied tone,"that our vacation is
over. Now it is my theory that if
we feed Laa-Laa the direct antithesis of potato salad(obviously he became evil
from consuming my
potato salad) he will go back to being simply annoying."
"And the direct opposite of potato salad is obviously...."
* * *
Amy:
With a dramatic pause and a grin, Mulder picks up something from the
floor. "...cat food!!!" he
stated triumphantly.
A very exasperated Scully replied, "Mulder, I'm supposed to be
baby-sitting my niece now. I'm sure
there's some other explanation for this. It was probably a motorized toy and
this is just an elaborate
hoax."
Very mysteriously, "Alright Scully, but I'm going to check this out.
I have a feeling that there's more
to this than they're saying on TV."
With that, Mulder walked out of his apartment, leaving Scully calling to
him to come back. He turned and
yelled back, "Keep in touch, Scully."
Agent Scully walked back into the apartment and peered down at the cat
food. When did Mulder get a
cat?
* * *
Without her keys, Scully was forced to walk home. When she finally
gave up looking for the cat and
finished destroying that foul potato salad, it was pitch black outside. The
night seemed strangely
calm, with no hint of the malice she had seen in the eyes of Laa-Laa. Could
Mulder be right? It all seemed
to fit together so perfectly, but... cat food? Maybe he really lost it this
time.
She took out her cell phone and stared at it. Then, she sighed and
put it away. Now was not the time
to spend possibly hundreds of dollars on a phone call to find out what he was up
to, as much as she
wanted to hear his voice right now.
"Maybe," Scully said aloud, "it's time to
do a little investigating of my
own."
* * *
New York City, 11:21 PM
Inside one of the Big Apple's many crowded, shabby apartment
buildings, all the way up on the 24th
floor, the obnoxious sound of a television left on too loud and unwatched
drifted through the tightly
shut windows. Even locked, they were not a significant barrier for this...
this... words cannot even describe
it. It was too horrible. And there, on the floor, in front of the bearer of
this dreadful monstrosity, was....
* * *
Risa:
...Mulder's new cat Matilda. Matilda was a particularly
normal-looking gray cat with a black spot on
his left front foot. He wasn't particularly fond of cat food, but that was all
that weirdo of
an owner ever gave him...except for that vile potato salad.... Most of the
time,Mulder forget to feed him
anyway, so Matilda himself had to find a stray can of tuna and operate the can
opener using nothing but
his l'il cat paws. But Matilda had a PLAN. He had orchestrated a conspiracy
involving one of his little
yellow friends, Mulder's potato salad and some rare drugs. If all was executed
according to Matilda's plan,
all of Mulder's cat food would be needed for a use other than feeding his poor,
cat-food hating cat. After
all, all Matilda the Cat wanted was a good cheese sandwich...
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Mulder was sitting in a car, having a
stakeout (not a steak-out, which
would involve a barbecue, a backyard, a bunch of neighbors, and a volleyball
game). As he leaned
back in his seat munching on some ramen noodles and root beer and listening to
the rapturous soundtrack
of Hello Dolly!, Scully characteristically appeared out of nowhere to join
him. After all, they had some of
their best times on random stakeouts that very rarely served a purpose other
than to provide moments of
UST, DAL, and RAIG (random, awww-inspiring goopiness). As Scully plopped into
the passanger seat,
she noticed the spiffiness of the car she was in.
"Hey Mulder," she began, "Is this *dramatic pause* an Aurora?"
"Well hello WELL HELLO Dolly, yes hello YES HELLO Dolly, it's so nice
to have you back where
you belong..." replied Mulder in a semi-off key fashion.
"Yes it is!" Scully squealed in excitement, ignoring her musical partner
and reading the name of the car
for herself, "Ooh!! These cars have niftly seat warmers!" After turning on
the aforementioned nifty
feature of the car, she leaned back and enjoyed the toastiness they
provided. For several moments,
nothing could be heard in the car except for Mulder's dissonance with the Hello
Dolly! recording. Then
suddenly Mulder shot up straight as if in shock, dropped his ramen on his
pants, and turned off the music.
"I want to move to Canyon Junction, Wyoming to be a prarie wife!" he
exclaimed.
Scully, for a brief moment, contemplated testing Mulder's ramen for
hallucinatory drugs, but decided
against it due to the facts that Mulder would say that sort of thing in what she
reasonably assumed
resembled his right mind and that the ramen was now all over his pants and
performing any tests would
involve removing them. Not that that idea in itself sounded all that bad, but
she was a good little Catholic
girl and wouldn't never think of anything like that before marriage. But none
of that mattered, for as her
eyes moved from her partner to the road, she saw a small, potato-salad covered
yellow object running
down the street.
"Follow that keychain!" she exclaimed to her partner. Mulder, however,
was too busy cleaning off his
pants and dreaming of becoming a prarie wife that he failed to hear Scully's
frantic cries. Scully rolled her
eyes and, a few seconds later (thanks to her mad judo skills), was sitting in
the driver's seat, careening after
the Laa-Laa keychain with Mulder in the back seat unconscious. Together, they
followed the Teletubby
into the night...
* * *
I want more!
This scares me. Make it go away.