Part 1 - PROLOGUE

Dutchmen with bendy legs, blind hatred of Argentinians, watching his Dad have his face violated by randy dogs - Nishlord bangs on about how his life has been marked out by World Cups.

Part 2 - TEN THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE WORLD CUP

Nishlord talks about big fuck-off stadiums, violent Irishmen, minging tattoos, being in pubs at 6am and all the other assorted tomfoolery you really ought to know about.

Part 3 - OLD SHIRTY BASTARD

Nishlord hangs around a sports shop for the vicarious frission that is looking at the new footy shirts. His findings may appal you. Or not.

Part 4 - A SENEGALLING BLOW TO NISHLORD'S WORLD CUP

Hurrah! The World Cup starts with a shocking blow to the World Champs. Rat's Cocks! Nishlord's telly conks out and he throws a mardy.

Part 5 - GET UP, GO PUB, DRINK BEER

Cripes! The pubs are opening at 7am for the World Cup. Nishlord, fully aware of the social significance, is there. Then he feels like shit on a stick for the rest of the day.

Part 6 - SVEN HASSLE

Arse! England draw 1-1 with Sweden, and Nishlord gets sexually harassed by a big ginger skinhead. Oh dear.

Part 7 - OH MY GOD, HERE COMES ARGENTINA AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE

Yoink! Nishlord returns from the wilderness, just in time to shit up his pantaloons over the impending England - Argentina game...

Part 8 - THE LOST WEEKEND

SLAP MY ARSE WITH A SPATULA! England pull an amazing game out of their arse, and Nishlord goes AWOL with glee.

Part 9- UNCLE NISH SEES YOU RIGHT

Crap haircuts, the Village People, Argentina fucking it up big style - all those niggly questions you have about the World Cup are answered here.

Part 10 - FUCKING HELL FIRE

What? England piss all over Denmark and have their best chance for 36 years to win the World Cup? It's true, and Nishlord can't deal with it. What's his problem? The soft twat...