Chips. They're ace.

According to your average American tourist, the food on offer in Britain is bland, or greasy, or just plain weird. God knows why they say this, because they never seem to actually try any. This is why London absolutely mings of KFC.

Naturally, they're talking out of their arse. British food, like the country itself, is unpretentious, wildly varied, and capable of absorbing the best influences from abroad and adopting them as our own. Alright, nicking them. Case in point: chips.

Even though curry has overtaken fish and chips as the most popular dish in the UK, chips are the Daddies of the culinary Wing.  And before you say anything - yeah, I know. Chips originated in Belgium. But seeing as if it wasn't for Sir Walter Raleigh discovering the potato and bringing it back to Europe, the Belgians wouldn't have anything to fry with. So they can fuck off. And none of this French Fry bollocks, either - chips are as British as fat baldies with 'PUSSY HUNTER' tattooed on their beer guts smashing up pubs in Spain before vomiting through their noses whilst singing 'No Surrender To The IRA'.

And seeing as the temples of fried potato-related tomfoolery - the Chip Shop, or 'Chippy', if you will - is slowly being nudged aside in favour of the hated kebab shop or some other repository of stomach-related viral infection, I'm giving all my foreign readers a chance to get it right the next time they come over here and visit a Proper Chippy. Read and Learn.

1. Maybe It's Because I'm A Londoner That I Eat Shitty Chips

Actually, tourists sneer at our food for good reason - because they never bother to get out of London. And the chippys in our capital city, with one or two exceptions, are shit. I've been here for nearly 10 years, and I can count the number of Proper Chippys on Jeremy Beadle's deformed hand. Never go to a Chippy with the legend "The Traditional British Dish" in the window. A handful of barely warm oven chips (ptoo!) and an oversized fish finger is about as 'Traditionally British' as a plastic Eiffel Tower paperweight with Prince Charles' head on the top.

2. Chinese Chippies Are Not 'Proper'

They may have given the world pasta, gunpowder, and new and interesting ways to violate human rights, but my God, the Chinese can't make chips to save their lives. They're always stuck at the bottom of the menu, and they're soggier than the knickers of a 14 year-old girl at a Backstreet Boys concert. This isn't ethnic snobbery, by the way - in Scotland, the best Chippies are all Italian, and the only decent ones in London are run by Greeks. But if you're at a Chinese, run away.

3. Look For Signs

You can spot a Proper Chippy without even venturing in. If it has the legend 'Pukka Pies' in the window, you've hit paydirt. This is the Michelin guide logo of the chip domain. Also, the name of said Chippy is vital - the cornier the better. Amusing plays on the word 'Plaice' guarantee a Proper Chippy, as well as the names of the restaurateur worked into the title. So, if you find yourself outside an establishment called 'Brian's Plaice', get in there.

4. Check The Décor

This is vital. The main rule of thumb is, if you walk through the door and suddenly feel as if you've been transported back to the 1950s, you're in a Proper Chippy. A nautical feel is a classic signifier, particularly tiled walls with smiling fish (as if they can't wait to be gutted, soaked in batter and tossed into the fryer), an actual fish tank plonked on the counter (which must be the piscine version of Belsen), netting strewn everywhere and a big plastic fisherman outside for dogs to piss against.

Also, check the walls - the Proper Chippy will have a gallery of posters from the Fish and Potato Marketing boards that basically say "Hey! Eating Fish & Chips all the time won't clog up your arteries like Oxford Street in the January Sales, honest!" and will feature a bird with legs up to her neck in an open-top Aston Martin, picking at a bag of chips on the passenger seat.  Even better, there will be the proprietor's own collection of manky pictures gleaned from car boot sales, such as The Crying Boy and the one in Abigail's Party with the naked bird on the giant swan's wing. Any attempt to make the place look like an American diner should be treated with scorn, if not firebombing.

5. Keep An Eye On The Staff

Incredibly vital. Take a look at the people behind the counter. If the average age of the staff in 14, and they're wearing stripy shirts, chances are you're in a McDonalds. Run away. Fast. What you're looking for in Proper Chippy staff members is pig-ugliness. Don't ask why, but the more the staff look like Oompa-Loompahs, the better. The Proper Chippy should - nay, must - be staffed by:     

The Proper Chippy will always, always, always have wooden chip forks. Usually in a box on the counter with a badly-drawn rendition of a mermaid on it. And bollocks to the rainforests - plastic chip forks will never be acceptable. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. I can't stress this strongly enough.

7. The Menu

First and foremost, chips are paramount. They're not meant to be tucked away in the menu under kebabs, or pizzas, or prawn crackers - as a matter of fact, if the shop sells anything but 'Something & Chips', it's not Proper. Fish is just as important, obviously, but there has to be a full range - Cod, Haddock, Plaice, maybe Skate, but not just lumped under the banner of 'Fish'. The menu of a Proper Chippy is enormous. You will not believe that are so many things that one can toss into a fryer. There's Fish cakes (which aren't really 'cakes'...and come to think of it, not really 'fish', either). Battered sausages AND saveloys. Chicken. A full compliment of pies - Steak & Kidney, Beef & Onion, Chick & Mush, and if they're a bit cosmopolitan, Cheese & Onion. And fritters. Onion Rings are perfectly acceptable, as are spring rolls. If they also do Beanies (baked beans encased in sausage meat and fried in batter) and batter bits (the chunks swept off from the heated glass case on the counter), you've hit Proper Chippy Nirvana.

8. Mushy Peas

Right then. This is the bottom line. If the Chippy sells mushy peas in a pot on the stove ready to go, it is Proper. If they also do beans, gravy and curry sauce, it's Very Proper Indeed. Condiments are just as important - Salt & Vinegar has to be in those big white shakers - a vinegar bottle with a hole punched in the top means they're not trying hard enough. Sachets of tomato ketchup, tartar sauce and salad cream are perfectly acceptable, but if they have those plastic tomato squeezers, hurrah! Also, there has to be big jars of pickled onions, eggs, and gherkins that have been untouched since 1967. It's the Law. And let's not forget the tray of slowly yellowing and decomposing pre-buttered rolls...

9. Boxes - Bad. Paper - Good

Any Chippy that shoves its wares into a KFC-style box should be avoided like a pitbull with a Gurkha knife in its teeth and a hard-on. Proper Chips are always wrapped in paper - preferably, in an outer layer of newspaper, but this is a dying art. Plastic trays for peas etc is kosher, though.

10. Don't Neglect The Dessert

Proper Chippies will always recognise the need for a sweet section. Pineapple fritters are the obvious choice, but the very best Chippy will take a Mars Bar or Marathon (sorry, but I refuse to call then 'Snickers'), coat it in batter, and deep fry it. These things are 1000 calories each, but I implore you to try one, even though they will take a good 30 minutes off your lifespan. They're scarily moreish. Trust me.

Footnotes

Whenever people gather together in the name of chips, one argument that will rage on long after we are all dead is whether Harry Ramsden's is a Proper Chippy. The simple answer is "No, no, a thousand times no". For starters, it's a franchise. Secondly, it's a restaurant. Although a Proper Chippy may have a seating area, the whole point of chips is that you take them away. You either eat them on the way to the football, or pick at them in a bus shelter when it's pissing it down, or try to smuggle them into the taxi home after a night's clubbing, or just eat them at home when Match Of The Day's on and you can't be arsed to cook.

Chip vans, on the other hand, are totally authentic. Especially the ones that hang outside school gates at dinnertime to tempt the kids away from a nutritional meal (There were two of them outside my school on both gates, meaning there was no escape). They also provide a valuable service by parking outside your house and occasionally catching fire.

If you ever visit this country and find a Proper Chippy that meets the criteria mentioned above,  congratulations. Get stuck in.