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4 Rules 4 U

Building a web page?   Everyone is.  Want to be successful?  Everyone does.  Well, success in the web page business means just one thing friend-- attracting visitors.  And attracting visitors means either a) spending $50 million on a lavish ad campaign or b) getting prominent listings on search engines.  Since the big bucks are out (we're assuming), that leaves the nearly impossible task of becoming "Mr. First and Foremost" on Google, Inktomi and the others.  

Not to worry.  Your old pal Magnetcat will show you exactly how it's done.  He's got four simple rules, and if you follow them your page will get great search engine placement, attract loads of visitors, and be a wonderful success!

Rule No. 1         Rule No. 2         Rule No. 3         Rule No. 4

Important warning for the terminally gullible and/or those who are too wild and crazy for their own good. This web page is a "satire", a "parody", a "put-on".  Don't take it seriously.  Repeat: don't take it seriously.  Also, never guzzle coffee when it's scalding hot, never mistake June bugs for M&M's, and, what ever you do, never try to duke it out with a duchess.  Now, do us a favor.  If you happen to run across a font smaller than this please let us know.

 

Rule No.1  

Web surfers absolutely love getting something for nothing.  So, if you want your page to get the attention it deserves, you'll have to include plenty of stuff about f-r-e-e  m-o-n-e-y  and  f-r-e-e  p-r-i-z-e-s.   Perhaps something like this:

We've got free money and free prizes.  We give away big cash prizes for free-- big money-- big cash-- big prizes.  Win the free money and win the free prizes on the web page that has the big, big cash free money prizes.  We want you to win the thousands, the millions, the billions.  That's right, win $100,000!  Win $1,000,000!  Win $1,000,000,000!   We have a million dollar winner every five minutes.  We have a billion dollar winner every half hour.  Join the party.  Win your share of big cash money.  Can you say trillion?  We're working on it.   Money, money, money: cash, lean green, loot.  Plus we got the prizes.  Spectacular prizes, prizes, prizes.  Free computer,  free car,  free house,  free trip to Mars.  Hey, "sweepstakes", "giveaway", "contest", "jackpot": these are the words we live by.  Remember big, big cash free money prizes are waiting for you at this web page. *

Of Course, once you've got your spiel all set, you'll want to add words like "sweepstakes", "giveaway", "contest", "jackpot", "millions", "free", "big", and "prizes"  to your keywords tag.

This rule is brought to you by Kno and Go University.  Why fart around?  Earn a degree in ten minutes at Kno and Go.

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4 Rules 4 U

 

Rule No. 2    

Be sure you find a way to mention s-e-x.  When it comes to what people are searching for on the web, s-e-x is second only to free money.  Write a subtle paragraph like this one for your page.

We've got sex, plenty of sexy sex on this sexy, sexy page.  Don't doubt for a minute we've got sexy sex on this sexy, sexy page, because believe you me we do got sexy, sexy sex on this sexy, sexy page.  Sex, sex, sex-- we have the sex.  Oh, yeah.  Give me an S!  Give me an E!  Give me an X!   What do you got?  Sexy, sexy sex on this sexy, sexy page!   That's right-- sexy, sexy sex on this sexy, sexy page.

Again you'll need to add the words "sex" and "sexy" to your keywords tag.

This rule is brought to you by THE REAL Big Fat JoeycatFind out who wrote The Book of Love at THE REAL Big Fat Joeycat.

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4 Rules 4 U

Rule No. 3  

Combine key words from rules 1 & 2 ("cash", "prize", "money", "dollars", "million", "billion", and "sex"), with unrelated words.  This will confuse the hell out of the search engine and make it think your page is Britannica.com.  Here's a sample of "sex" combined with words that begin with "a":

alcohol sex, asthma sex, Arkansas sex, art deco sex, alligator sex, alarm clock sex, Artic outpost sex, Appalachian sex, atomic sex, Altoona sex, altimeter sex, agricultural sex, advertised sex, antelope sex, artichoke sex, apple pie sex, alfalfa sex, ancient ruins sex, anchors aweigh sex, alphabet soup sex, Alka-Seltzer sex, achy breaky heart sex, acid neutral sex, arm sex, arm and hammer sex, ask sex, ask politely sex, ask directions sex, action sex, about sex, about time sex, about that rash sex, astro sex, adding machine sex, accelerator sex, analytic sex, Anglo-Saxon sex, antler sex, ant farm sex, Aunt Betty sex, Aunt Maxie sex, all saints sex, all the way sex, all the time sex, all the tea in China sex, after dinner sex, afterthought sex, after a fugitive sex, at sex, at the lake sex, at the bowling alley sex, American Graffiti sex, American cheese sex, antenna sex, airport sex, armored vehicle sex, alien visitor sex.....

Be sure to insert each of the combinations you create into your keywords tag. 

This rule is brought to you by Joeycat the OriginalGet extreme with Extreme News and Extreme Weather at Joeycat The Original.

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4 Rules 4 U

Learn something at Big Fat University

Rule No. 4   

Winning the local spelling bee isn't a top priority these days, so don't forget to throw in multiple misspellings of important words.   When "words" like those below are submitted, the search engine will know to direct visitors right to you. 

dalor, dolor, dullor, dolla, thosand, thusind, thousan, milon, millon, millio, billon, bilon, billio, prise, prizz, pryze, priz, kash, cosh, cas, cuntest, kontist, contast, contes, fre, freee, fere, frre, ssx, sexx, sxx, seex, sexxy, sexi.....

Don't forget to include all your misspellings in your keywords tag. And while you're at it, remember to wipe your feet.

This rule is brought to you by THE REAL Big Fat Joeycat's Gold Doubloons PageExplore the amazing world of gold doubloons at THE REAL Big Fat Joeycat's Gold Doubloons Page.

SPECIAL BONUS RULE FOR READERS OF RULE NO. 4

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4 Rules 4 U

 

SPECIAL BONUS RULE FOR READERS OF RULE NO. 4   

Never look a gift puppy in the mouth.

Learn something at Big Fat University

EXTRA SPECIAL DOUBLE BONUS RULE FOR READERS OF THE SPECIAL BONUS RULE    

Not all free lunches come with silverware. 

This rule is presented ad free courtesy of   Joeycat the Original

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Learn something at Big Fat University


Links

Visit the Joeycat site directory or go directly to any of these bell ringing pages:

Joeycat the Original, THE REAL Big Fat Joeycat, Big Fat Joeycat's INFOMATO, Big Fat University, Kno and Go University, Gold Doubloons Page, Big Fat Joeycat's Mysterious Blue and White Checkered Black Hole No. 2

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Thank you for visiting Magnetcat, the home of all you ever wanted to know about getting high roller treatment by search engines and attracting visitors by the barrelful.  We hope your visit has been enjoyable and look forward to seeing you again soon. 

Updated 3/24/01

 

  2001 Best Ever Search Position Enterprises

* It would help if you're actually going to give away prizes (at least some toasters or something).  But don't let it stop you if you ain't gonna give nobody nutin'.       Back

 

Thought Sheriff's rating for Rule No.1:  

ILLEGAL, RIDICULOUS

 

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Thought Sheriff's rating for Rule No.2:  

ILLEGAL, OFFENSIVE

Here's a public service announcement from the National Organization of Thought Sheriffs: APPOINT A DESIGNATED DRIVER OR CALL A CAB-- DON'T THINK AND DRIVE

 

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Thought Sheriff's rating for Rule No. 3:  

ILLEGAL, ABSURD, FIGHTIN' WORDS

 

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Thought Sheriff's rating for Rule No. 4:  

ILLEGAL, PROBABLY EFFECTIVE

Here's a public service announcement from the National Organization of Thought Sheriffs: REMEMBER, ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST THOUGHTS

 

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Thought Sheriff's rating for the Special Bonus Rule for Readers of Rule No.4:  

OFFENSIVE TO ANIMAL COMPANIONS AND PURVEYORS OF DEEP-FRIED CORNBREAD 

 

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Thought Sheriff's rating for the Extra Special Double Bonus Rule for Readers of the Special Bonus Rule:  

ACCEPTABLE IF READ AFTER 10 PM

 

Back          View the Sheriff's certificate

 

 

Learn something at Big Fat University

Thought Sheriff's Rating Certificate

I,  Geodessa Hightop, duly self-appointed Thought Sheriff for this server, do solemnly certify that the ratings stated herewith correctly reflect my standards, opinions, and sense of pleasing room schemes.   

Rule No. 1: ILLEGAL, RIDICULOUS.  Rule No. 2: ILLEGAL, OFFENSIVE.   Rule No. 3 ILLEGAL, ABSURD, FIGHTIN' WORDS.   Rule No. 4: ILLEGAL, PROBABLY EFFECTIVE.    Special Bonus Rule for Readers of Rule No.4:  OFFENSIVE TO ANIMAL COMPANIONS AND PURVEYORS OF DEEP-FRIED CORNBREAD.  Extra Special Double Bonus Rule for Readers of the Special Bonus Rule:  ACCEPTABLE IF READ AFTER 10 PM.

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