Ordinary Things

Disclaimer thingie: Please keep in mind that these entries are usually scratched when I get out of bed at 4 a.m. to get ready for my day...so yeah, there will be typographical, and gramatical errors, and whathaveyou...

~Hiatus

Had to take my page down for a while....sorry!

~Storms

Seems we didn’t have a summer at all this year, with just a couple of really hot days and mostly cool evenings…yet here it is winding to an end. I always did like August though, probably because it feels like a time ‘between’

Just a few short days after burying a dear mother/sister/aunt/grandmother, the same family gathered to celebrate a wedding. Stormy wave of emotion, but there’s a certain relief in letting go and just having fun with your family and friends…cherishing old memories & making new ones.

Of course as is the case when I go out in public like this, I had a wonderful time observing people. It can be especially fun in family gatherings, because essentially, you are observing some of the bits and pieces of your genetic makeup all in one room simultaneously! (trust me, there are some things you'd rather not find out!!)

Of course I danced too much, and my back is STILL rebelling against my pretty healed sandals 3 days later…but I had fun! Even when this LOSER dancing by himself kept trying to cut in when my sister and I were on the dance floor, pathetically crying “but I just want to dance….”
Poor, poor CinderFella, with no glass slipper! LOL at least he produced a few good laughs.

The quote of the evening would be from my brother sneaking up behind me to hug and kiss me, saying…”You’re getting prettier with age! I actually had to check twice to make sure you were my sister,” I told him he might need another drink! :-D

The air is heavy with storm still. We had a good one yesterday, and will probably be experiencing another one again soon. I love to sit in my carport when it’s thundering and lightning, it’s like meditating for me as weird as that may sound. I am a child of thunder! ;-)

I feel a weight inside of me too…my storm has not passed.

Do you know what it feels like to have an explosion of a thousand tiny bursts of color against the black background of your mind? Do you know how frustrating it is not being able to find a way to release those…the colors??

Sometimes that is the storm that rages within me.

~MINDing my own business

The human mind is a wondrous thing, you can never really tell what goes on in someone else’s and you can often question about the goings on in your own. I do know one thing with certainty though;I do know that I can tell when someone is trying to mess with my mind. (trust me, I mess around with it enough on my own to know!)

There are times when you have to draw a line, to let people know when they are crossing it, but in order to do that, you yourself must know your boundaries. What I am having a problem with at the moment, is knowing where mine lie.

It is particularly difficult to set your boundaries, when a family member is involved. However, I believe that in order to be true to yourself, which in the end you just have to be, else you loose your own grip on things; you have to be firm…family member or not.

Now add to this conundrum, oh say...mental illness, and it just multiplies the complications of your decision-making.

The worst of all this is that I am in a position at the present time, where I need to take care of my health, so I can’t be letting all of this affect me, only...this is all a catch 22 see? (btw, remind me to research the origins of that expression)

I’ve always had problems with drawing lines...either my pen runs out of ink, or my pencil lead breaks, my chalk crumbles...you catch my drift ;-)

Does anyone out there know how to send your mind on vacation?
(shhh, I’m pretending there are actually people reading this)

Oh never mind, I might not want to know just yet...

How fitting this acoustic track by Mark Collie from The Punisher Soundtrack be playing...lol!

~Perseid Meteor Showers, Drugs & Wagon Trains

Cosmic dust, some of which has been wafting through space since the American Civil War, is renewing a summer ritual by slamming into Earth's atmosphere, lighting up the night sky with shooting stars whose numbers are building to a peak on Aug. 12.

The return of the Perseid meteor shower marks one of the most rewarding sky watching events of the year. No matter how many other night sky shows fail to meet expectations, the Perseids rarely falter. Only two weeks straight of cloudy skies can completely spoil the shower.

God I remember spending countless hours as a child, lying in the grass and looking up at the night sky. You just don’t see that anymore...I’ll have to pick a warm clear night and spread a blanket on the front lawn to share that with my little sprout. Speaking of which, I think he wants to run away and join the Wagon Train!!

There are a couple of dozen covered wagons and about 30 or 40 horses in our town (they’re expecting a bigger crowd over the weekend) telltale signs such as horse puckie dotting the roadsides, and ick...even the sidewalks?!!

Every summer for a week, they camp out in a different location, in our County. They ride out 5 or 10 miles in a different direction every day, then they head back to their base camp.

Why do I have a sudden urge to dress up as an Indian with feathers and the whole bit and go running wild through their base?! Just kidding ;-)

I did have to dig out the boy’s cowboy hat, boots and the stuffed horse I’d made about 10 yrs ago. Lo and behold, he still wasn’t satisfied! I had to build him a covered wagon! It’s a good thing I can get creative, cause he’s demanding that way ;-)

Cops have been hanging around our neighborhood a lot these past few days. News of uncovering a 15 million dollar drug crop has spread like wildfire! The land belongs to this guy down the street. Now if they could just come bust my neighbor two doors over for growing in his basement, I’ll be happy!!

Our sleepy little community seems the perfect hideout for these thugs lately, and I hate that it prevents things like letting my son drive his bike around the block and such.

We just want our peace back, so git along little doggies!

~Raising puppies and mothering a neighborhood

Mmmm...poptarts for lunch…soooo yummy! Not really *shrug* but there’s nothing else to eat in this house. Though I shouldn’t be surprised, as it seems my pantry is a kiddie drive-through lately.

Half the summer is over and seems like all I’ve accomplished is like the title says…raising a litter of puppies (that I had to help feed from 3 to 6 weeks) and raising a neighborhood of kids that don’t seem to have any manners whatsoever. And sad as it is to say, some of them barely even have a clue, I’m serious! Let me give you an example...

After giving them permission to go into the pool, I see my 8-yr old looking at the boy next door with a puzzled, near-disgust look on his face as Ryan (age 7) stood in the grass peeing through his shorts and was getting ready to get into the pool.

Well I did say “no peeing in the pool..." didn't I?!!

What the...?

They’re (Ryan and the little hell cat called Becky) ringing my freaking doorbell at 7:30 a.m. after I repeatedly asked them not to, as my little guy sleeps in, when undisturbed! They leave their finger and snot prints all over the windows, because you can’t just look through them, you’ve got to leave your ‘I was here’ mark, c’mon everybody knows that!

Well, at least they ring the doorbell now…they used to just walk in!

I think this is going to turn me into a grouchy old woman if it keeps up. Though I must say, the sound of school bells is not so far off now [insert maniacal mommy laughter here] Odd that I won’t be parking my fat butt in a class though…I still haven’t adjusted to the world outside it seems. I do plan on putting the axe to the grind in the job search department once they are back in school however.

Don’t get me wrong, a summer off is sooooo nice after the hectic lifestyle I’ve lived over the past few years, but I think it is also in part responsible for throwing me way off kilter…I need a certain amount of chaos in my life to keep my much-needed balance, that much is made clear, but I can’t help this feeling of uncertainty that creeps up on me. Can’t even stay focused long enough to do some half-decent writing, painting or drawing, haven’t touched the violin in over a month now, so I’m not sure it’s even worth going back to my lessons when my teacher gets back from her cross-Canada trip.

I’m sure things will iron out soon…else this is just the calm before the storm! Hah! Bring it on I say!!

~Forgotten Summers

I remember how this time of year felt as a child. That great anticipation for summer vacation! I can sense it in my 7 yr old, my summer solstice boy (who will soon be turning 8) Already I feel it seeping into his bones when I hug his sun-kissed skin close to my own (when he lets me that is!)

The boy has one thing, and one thing only on his agenda...playing! And he plays harder from dawn till dusk, than anyone I know..I assure you!

I love catching glimpses of my forgotten summers when I watch him at play; when he comes to the door sticky with pine gum from his tree-climbing expeditions, when he’s "practically dying of thirst" and in dire need of a drink, comes asking for a change of clothes because he’s covered with mud "I had no idea there was a mud puddle there mom!" or needs a bandaid for those 'near-fatal' scraped knees.

This is the first summer that I’ll be spending at home in about 5 yrs, and I don’t know if I remember how to be a 'summer mom' anymore, so it will be an adjustment to say the least. But I am looking forward to it, because these are some of the last summers of boyhood that I will get to experience firsthand, as my boy is growing faster than the speed of right! ;-)

Yes, well...

Back to being my troglodytic self I go then.

Carry on...

The Reason

I started taking violin lessons last week, and I’m rather enjoying it so far. I’ve played guitar for years and always loved the way the instrument vibrated against my chest. With the violin, now you’re going to think this is weird, but I feel the vibration against my chest as well, but most intensely in my forehead, you know sorta like when you hum and feel the vibration’s timbre in both those areas...yeah like that! I just think it's cool!!

So my goal now is to make it sing rather than screech like a dying cat. I suppose that will come in time, meanwhile, I’ll just enjoy torturing my neighbors *muahahahaha* ooo! I should only play it at midnight or something, then it would be all creepy-like and really freak them out! Heh!

It was my Grandfather’s violin, and it’s been in retirement for over 30 years now. I always thought it a shame to have it collecting dust in my Mother’s closet that way...I just knew it still held beautiful music within its aged body, and I was right! I asked my teacher to play something for me and she said that it had an amazing resonance still. I am rather proud of myself for doing this for a multitude of reasons, but mostly I look at it as preserving this as a part of the memory of my Grandfather, and all that he has passed down to me. I hope to make him proud!

~Oh my God! I mean Buddha! ;)

Seeing the Dalai Lama live in Ottawa yesterday was probably one of the most awesome experiences of my life!

Alanis Morrissette opened for the Dalai. She sang three songs and was fabulous! I especially like the lyrics to one of the songs from her new (soon to be released) album "So Called Chaos". And she looked great with short hair :)

One of the most remarkable things that I will always remember was the 'humbling' of a crowd of 9,000. When the Dalai spoke, you could feel a heavy silence, sense a 'common awareness', and a shared acquiescence among people. It was then that I realized how aptly they named his tour, "Living Peace".

His humor is so genuine, and his laughter infectious. A girl sitting beside my friend made a comment that was well said; that he was like a grandfather that you’d want to kiss and hug.

When asked about meditation, he replied that the best meditation was 7 hours of sleep! And the classic "What is the meaning of life?" question was saved for last...his answer was that he contemplated that one a long time, and that the answer was one that each person had to find for themselves.

In his book, Ancient Wisdom, Modern World – Ethics For The New Millennium that I bought about a year ago and only recently started reading, I found personal truth in this passage...

[snip]

I believe there is an important distinction to be made between religion and spirituality. Religion I take to be concerned with faith in the claims to salvation of one faith tradition or another, an aspect of which is acceptance of some form of metaphysical or supernatural reality, including perhaps an idea of heaven or nirvana. Connected with this are religious teachings or dogma, rituals, prayer and so on. Spirituality I take to be concerned with those qualities of the human spirit – such as love and compassion, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, contentment, a sense of responsibility, a sense of harmony – which bring happiness to both self and others. While ritual and prayer, along with the questions of nirvana and salvation, are directly connected with religious faith, these inner qualities need not to be, however. There is thus no reason why the individual should not develop them, even to a high degree, without recourse to any religious or metaphysical belief system. This is why I sometimes say that religion is something we can perhaps do without. What we cannot do without are these basic spiritual qualities.

Those who practice religion would, of course, be right to say that such qualities, or virtues, are fruits of genuine religious endeavor and that religion therefore has everything to do with developing them and with what may be called spiritual practice. But let us be clear on this point. Religious faith demands spiritual practice. Yet it seems there is much confusion, as often among religious believers as among non-believers, concerning what this actually consists in. The unifying characteristic of the qualities I have described as ‘spiritual’ may be said to be some level of concern for others’ well being. In Tibetan, we speak of shen-pen kyi-sem, meaning the thought to be of help to others. And when we think about them, we see that each of the qualities noted is defined by an implicit concern for others’ well-being.

If you consider yourself a religious person, then more power to you, I hope you find it fulfilling and meaningful. I personally don’t think there is one ‘right’ religion. And hearing the Dalai speak has only reinforced my beliefs that if we can open ourselves to compassion, love, patience and forgiveness, we can find then peace within ourselves, and thus live in harmony with the world...regardless of your religion, or beliefs. I also think that if more people were to look within, before pointing the accusing finger to all the wrongs of the world, they would find that making a difference really does begin on a personal level. At least that’s the way I see it.

In closing, I have to say noticing that 2/3 of the gathered crowd were young adults, was a pleasant realization. Hopefully they will carry forth the desire for peace and making this a better world to live in.

"all we are saying...is give peace a chance!" ;)

Here are pics from the nosebleed section, but who cares? I was there man!!

Dalai Lama 1
Dalai Lama 4
Dalai Lama 3
Dalai Lama 2

~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Oh Solo Mio

What a perfectly lonesome Saturday night.
(can you tell I enjoy my solitude?)
Here I sit with candle flame and thought,
While I drift from one emotion to the next;
as I listen to the soundtrack of the French musical
Notre Dame de Paris.

I love musicals, because they portray a whole gamut
of feelings, events, and lives, with music
and song that sometime conveys a message in a
much more profound and passionate manner than any
other medium...but perhaps that is only my
perception of it, since music has always spoken to me
in a special way.

I stood at my bathroom window earlier to watch the
pines in my back yard dance erratically as the
wind ribboned around them...It made me long for
warmer evenings where I could sit on the deck to
listen to the wind, as well as watch. Wind
can sound so soothing, like a lullaby at times,
or howl threats of disaster, emphasizing
its duality.

I have difficulty dealing with my own duality at
times, so I expect that it is not easy for those
I expose to it, to deal with it either. Perhaps I should
not be so short on patience when I myself,
require such an abundance of it.

Well anyway, I will not bore you any longer, I’ll end
this entry by simply saying, for those who
would understand such a statement, that
I’m going to "PLACE" for a while... ;-)

~A Train of Thought

I sought to escape the day’s worries by immersing myself in a hot scented bath.
I reached for, and grabbed a book off the shelf blindly, and I found myself reading "Leaves of Grass"

As I read, and I read I acknowledged yet again that it was indeed true... all art is self-centered!"

"Fuck, why didn’t I realize this before?!" I blurted,
when a friend made the earlier comment.
(I was only being half-serious)

Of course I uh, never called myself an artist until just very recently. Though I write, and I draw, and I paint (very badly) I play instruments, and dabble in amateurish photography, and...I’m an artist? Yes, yes I am!

"It is all about the artist’s concept and the need to make a statement"

Yes, I guess I can see that now...

"But these leaves conning you con at peril,
For these leaves and me you will not understand,
They will elude you at first and still more
afterward,
I will certainly elude you,
Even while you should think you had unquestionably
caught me, be-hold!
Already you see I have escaped from you"

says The Walt man

All art is self-centered, and is the manifestation of a need to express oneself, and make a statement...

Hi, my name is Carole, and I am a self-centered artist, thankyouverymuch!

(yet there is so much more to it than merely this)

~When Enough Is Enough

"When you love someone, I mean really love someone, but they...just can't seem to get their shit together, when do you get to the point of enough is enough?"

"Never"

-From the Movie The Mexican with Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts...

Sometimes I wish more people would have heard this movie quote, or better yet, apply it to their lives!!

See...for me, life is just not about quitting, no matter what you're talking about specifically.

You just don't!

I know sometimes it's easier to give up and give in, but for me personally, that equals a certain death. I cannot tolerate faillure in myself.

That being said, everyone has a threshold...

Do you know when you've reached yours? Because I think I am incapable of knowing when I've reached mine.