~There's something about the sight of freshly plowed, rich, black earth that
makes me want scoop up a handful and just smoosh it between my hands, just to
"feel" it! Does that sound nuts to you??
Oh well *Shrug* it may be too late to worry about that! Hehe
~The haze that hung heavily over the valley gave everything a drab, melancholy feel today. Yet at the same time...a sense of tranquility. I tend to get pensive then, and drift off into a haze of my own.
~Storm's a-brewin'...the winds are picking up force, electricity keeps flicking off and on. I like storms though, the are raw POWER...and they remind us that in the end, we cannot control everything. Even though we mess with nature BIG TIME, it is she, Mother Nature that has the ultimate say, the last laugh, she's the BIG cheese! She can whip us down to our knees, if'n she wants ta!...We are but at HER mercy :o) So be nice to nature, go hug a tree and all that rot...j/k!
~It's nice enough to sleep with the windows open now, but dangit...those little tweeties are chirping at 4 a.m.! Of course, the kid was chirping as well and came into the nest at 3 a.m., so it's not like I was sleeping or anything...
~Music...what music does for me is transport me to another world. I get
totally caught up in it, feeling every note, every swell, every ebb and tide,
every word move through me. *I* become the melody, drifting, drifting...to a
higher plain of sensitivity (No..I am NOT smoking anything funny! D'oh!)
No really...music does that for me. Whether it be a classical sonata or a really cool guitar riff, I become the ivories being tickled , I am the strings being plucked, etc...I can't seem to get "into" rap tho. I mean a song has to have soul you know? Rap may have its meaning, but to me it just doesn't have
S O U L.....AMEN Baby!
~You know, I had a lot of fun "people-watching" last night ...I do that. Who was I watching in particular? Well, it was the male species out shopping for mother's day! Two VERY distinct categories here; the guy who came into the store knowing EXACTLY what he was buying with a confident air, and a warm smile in his heart. And then well...a gazillion others fit into the second category...the ones who haven't got a clue!!! These poor pathetic beings, walking around lost and bewildered from store to store to store! I have to admit these were rather amusing to watch! Oh I know that sounds wicked on my part, but I really find it interesting that although they would and SHOULD know, or at least have an idea since they've already flat out and asked...."What do you want for Mother's Day, dear?" you would think they could retain that VITAL piece of information, I mean they KNOW they're not going to enjoy their stay at "Le petit Woof House" if they don't....Oh but wait! Here's an idea! Try simply surprising her with oh, I don't know....a simple card and breakfast in bed!?!? Hmm, I'd be willing to bet, that just that, would make her feel like a Queen from the very start of her special day! Tell your mom you love her...she gave you birth, she mended your booboos, she distracted you from being nervous about your first visit to the dentist, she's the one who held on to you for dear life, eyes briming with tears on that first day of school. She's the one who always made sure you dressed warm enough on those cold days, she's the one who tucked you in and was up at the drop of a pin should she hear a slight cough or wheeze. She's the one who knew you weren't feeling well just by looking at you. She's the one who worries incessantly about your comfort , your happiness and well-being. She's the one who beamed when she finally did let you go, and you walked like the brave little trooper that you were to that bus on that first day, or at the beautiful refrigerator art that you brought home that she proudly displayed and then kept in a box with countless other mementoes....she's the one who cheered you on even when your little league team was loosing badly, she's the one who taught you never to give in, "don't ever quit trying honey, one day you'll hit one over the fence," which you eventually did at one time or other in your life, didn't you? Well, the list goes on and on. Try simply appreciating all that your mom has and continues to do for you. Know that a child is forever a child in a mother's heart, and that he has claimed a very large percentage of that big heart of hers, and that he takes a piece of her with him no matter where he goes. Why don't you just say "Thank you Mom, for being you" It would be the greatest compliment, and the best gift you could possibly give.
I originally was going to do this on a daily basis....but then you know...there are some days that I just DON'T think! haha either that or...NOTHING happens!
~I started to read this book on Zen, I was out on my porch reading a few pages this morning. Part of my daily ritual includes going out around 5:30- 6:00 a.m. to have my cuppa, a smoke, and greet the dawning day. So here I am reading about separating mind from body, counting breaths and all that, trying to just "not let my mind waver" But... a steamy little wisp of vanilla is rising from my cup, the warm gentle breeze is blowing my locks, and the birds are singing their morning song. So I'm thinking; ok, maybe I'll actually just READ about Zen during the morning ritual, because there is no way that my mind will NOT waver at this particular time, this is my "thinking" time...when all is peaceful at the beginning of each new day...So now I'm thinking that the actual "practice" of Zen will have to take place at some other time. Hmm but wait! Maybe once one starts to practice Zen, they do at all times?!? mmm, dunno yet... I'm just at the first chapter! lol But I do know that this morning ritual, helps me to maintain a balance. Hub asked me why I am writing this stuff...I don't know! lol Probably NO ONE reads it, but I guess it's all part of that balance thing. *wink*
~Isn't it funny how dampness seems to seep right through your skin, to chill your bones? I hate that! It takes so long to warm yourself up again...seems all we've had are damp days lately. We need the sun's warmth. I know I do...these somber days depress me. It is scientifically proven that weather affects the psyche. Don't you wonder just HOW they conduct these experiments sometimes tho? Do you just chalk it up as man's incredible power of intelligence? Hmm...dunno about you, but I question things a lot. I mean I NEED to know the how and why of things, you know? I question people a lot too, myself included(yes, I question my sanity as well at times too). Experience taught me that we often times learn more of ourselves through others, so.....what do you think so far? Do I border on madness?? heh! I guess one of the things I "fear" is the unknown...dunno why...I just do. I mean, I'd rather just cut to the chase and know it like it is! That way, I can deal with it. I don't always know HOW TO deal with it, but eventually I find a way. *Shrug* guess I'm resourceful that way...That, is one of the things that kind of 'bother' me about people; that they don't make use of all the resources available to them. I seem to exhaust all of mine and I am constantly searching for more. Oft times I find myself up against brick walls, but at least I can say that I have tried. So here is my sage advice to you: keep pecking away at the brick in the wall...eventually, it too will crumble! ;o) Whoa...was that deep or what?!? hehe I'll try not to hurt myself *Grin*
~The road crews have filled all the cracks in the asphalt with tar; black pitch now crisscrosses a ten-mile stretch of road. The ugly black spidery veins ruining the aged look of the well travelled road. I mean I kind of LIKED the "thuh-thump" noise my tires made as I drove over them. *Sigh* they've ruined that familiar pattern for me now...Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't welcome or adapt to change, I just find comfort in the monotony of things sometimes. That is not to say that I am a monotonous person, quite the contrary in fact! I love trying and doing new things, or at best doing old things in a different way...But some things just SHOULDN'T change...you know? Ok so my wheel alignment will thank them...big deal!
~I was parked on a busy street watching the traffic go by while I waited for my passenger the other day. With my window down, the sun warming my face and the radio blasting....aaah, I love these days! I see this cool-looking guy drive by on a cool-looking motorcycle, and tied to his cool-looking backpack, was. ..heh!...a giant-sized SuperSoaker! I had a good chuckle....I mean do little boys EVER grow up I ask you?!? Actually, I thought it was kinda cute :o) I think we should all tap into that "Peter Pan syndrome" every now and again!
~I am tired, I am very very tired....you know, not just sleepy tired, but an exhausted physical and mental fatigue *sigh* I guess insomnia catches up to a person sooner or later, as does that "to do" list. I have so many things I need to be doing within the next few weeks I don't know how I will manage, only that somehow I will, I always do. Yes I HAVE made such a list, but ugh...hate it! I mean it just seems that you must add two things for every one that you get crossed off. Why not just make a mental note of things you might ask? Well sure, on a good clear day that might work. But on days like today, well it just DOESN'T ok?!? Ahem...yes, now where was this train headed again? hehehe Oh yeah, endurance...isn' t that an amazing thing? Aren't we all capable of soooo much endurance? We push our bodies and minds to the limit, time and time again. Sometimes maybe even without realizing it until such a time when that exhaustion I spoke about, beats down on you. Well I suppose it all comes down to listening to your body...it speaks. Right now tho, mine is saying... "Take me to Jamaica man!"
~I was born and raised in the country, I live here still. The cities are 2 hr drives either to the north or south. Treks to the city are few and far between. More often than not by necessity, but occasionally for recreation....yeah, I lead an exciting life...heh! On our last trek there, I caught myself looking longingly out the backseat window...the city was calling me, I could feel its pulse! I imagined myself walking down the busy street poking my nose in this store window or that, or popping into the coffee shops that dot the block in a busy quarter of the city....I imagined what it might be like just NOT feeling it a necessity to be there, and just doing things on a whim. How long could I possibly survive it I wondered? *Sigh* the city would probably eat me up alive! hehehe How long before I yearned for the lazy, quiet country life again?(Though downright boring at times I admit) How long before I missed the liquid cry of the loon over the lake behind my house? The sad call of the mourning dove sitting on the telephone wire when I sit on my deck for my morning coffee? The croaking symphony of frogs at nightfall? Or the chirping of crickets under my bedroom window lulling me to sleep? And yes, I guess even the cackle of crows that gather in the pines out in my back yard for their early morning council....I guess some things are just in your blood, I guess you can take the girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the girl (insert other cliché of your choice here) hehe Well, I suppose the old "bloom where you are planted" one fits in well enough. Though I have to say, they( da gubberment, who else?) make it damn hard for us to bloom when they are doing all this "experimental" aerial spraying in our area!! Then everyone goes around scratching their heads wondering WHY our drinking water is putrid?!? Oh, ok....better not get me started on THAT one! hehehe
~Yesterday, I was driving toward the eye of a storm, it was pretty cool...Here I was at the top of this hill, where I had a panoramic view of the valley below. Rolling grey clouds in the darkening sky lit up with silvery streaks of lightning, you could feel the charged air. Energy and power waiting to be unleashed. The winds blew wildly. When you see large trees bending and trembling, you get a feel of the magnitude of these forces. As you do when your car (which I fondly refer to as my lil' pisspot...hehe) sways to and fro. Then of course, comes the downpour... Amazing isn't it that such an onslaught passes as quickly as it comes? On my way back, I brought the sun with me to shine over this very same valley once again. Everything looked refreshed. In a sense, I felt as though the rains had washed ME clean as well. :o)
~I officially took over my title as Librarian this week, it's only a part-time job, but still demands a lot of work. My first day just happened to coincide with a book rotation, 1,000+ books first had to be packed according to demand, then the new ones unpacked, registered and properly placed. My hands are dry and cracked, but I loved every second of it! I found a few gems among them to bring home too :o) a few collected works of poetry, a wonderful documentary on Mayan civilization, and best of all, an old classic by Hemingway! I don't know if this makes me weird, but I love books; I love the feel of them, and I love the smell of them. I love to thumb through old ones with delicate care as though the ancient yellowed pages would crumble beneath my touch...I guess it is fitting that I be a Librarian as I hear they are a strange lot! hehe Books are windows, gateways to the mind...at least that is the way I feel about them. When was the last time YOU read a good book huh?? I am currently reading 2 or 3 very good ones simultaneously....hehe what can I say? I have always been a multi-tasked person!! I guess I enjoy keeping busy ;o)
~Well looks like I may have to relinquish my short-lived Librarian title...the deal was I would do this, as well as being Assistant Manager of a local Campsite. Well, things haven't gone as planned....The existing Manager is leaving sooner than originally forseen, so I have to take on the responsibilities that much sooner...just HOW MUCH sooner you ask? Heh! Get this, they call me in on Friday to ask if I can go in the next day(even though I was originally only supposed to start in two weeks) then, they break me in training on a crazy 32hr/3 day weekend!!! Now that's what I call INTENSE! My first day there...we had to kick out some wild party-goers because of a growing amount of complaints, and because they did not take heed to the first two warnings we gave them. Then, a joy-rider as well, who was speeding in a 10km/hr limit zone, smack dab in the middle of the camp sites. I mean there are kids everywhere!! Oh well, chalk it up as experience! It didn't really phase me much...that's Ms Bitch to you, thank you very much! j/k hehe I was so exhausted when I went to bed last night, I mean that's a lot of information that my brain needs to process in a such a short period of time. But I suppose I'll survive it. I may age at a much more rapid pace, but I'll survive it! ;o) *Singing* "I am woman...I am invincible..." *Giggle*
~Must relax...need rest....must relax...hehehe Well actually, I am not quite at zombie stage yet, but I am getting mentally drained! The thing is, it's hard to leave work at work once you get home in this type of job. I mean my mind is constantly rolling..thinking ok, I can't forget to do this or that, ect...In other words, it is usually quite late by the time I get to sleep every night, and my first waking thoughts are usually about some work-related things. *Sigh* it goes with the territory I suppose...but you know what? I kind of enjoy the mental stimulation, it seems I thrive under pressure! hahaha I can honestly say at least this, after being at home for 8 yrs, raising my children(an accomplishment of which I am proud), it is nice to get back into the work force once again and have a certain "purpose" :o) Now if I can figure out a way NOT to let it make me crazy, I'm all set ;o)
~Ok...I am now at zombie stage! Hours tally 90something...day off today...gotta forget about work....gotta rest. Very hard to do, but I am trying :o) Apparently, I am NOT relingquishing the Librarian job, but merely postponing taking up the position. They don't want me to quit *sigh* So in the Fall, when the managing job becomes only part-time, I can take up the other position. So many things in my head right now it's not even funny how bungled up I am! Dunno if I'm coming or going.....ooops there I go again!
~Metamorphosis....interesting word non? I think we are all capable of metamorphosing...I am living proof! I was telling a friend one day about how I was watching some ants scurry about one day. I put my foot down and said "no little ant, today you are not going to work all day!", but the silly little ant just went around my shoe and continued on its way...it did so because that is its purpose, its role in life. I compared the ants to people who are busily bustling about. I wondered if I were to peek inside the little ant tunnels...would they be having little ant parties where they kick back to have a few with "the boys" at the end of their work week?!! No..they scurry about collecting food for the nest, that is what they do. Then I later told this friend about the frog incident mentioned at the top of this page...Well I was having a conversation with this person the other day about my new job and the responsibilities it emplies and whatnot. This person said "Damn woman, what happened to the girl who stepped on an ant or two, and squished frogs?!?" I said "I didn't change, I'm still her". This person then said "uhm yeah you did" Hmm... well that is what made me think that somewhere along the way I must have metamorphosed into this serious person with a 'professional' attitude or something... *shrug* I mean I haven't so much as thought about those little ants or froggy nights this past while, my life has been so chaotic lately. I am realizing that now I too am part of this human "rat-race", I too am a little ant scrurrying busily about to bring food to the nest....*Sigh* I'm not so sure just HOW that makes me feel at the moment...let me get back to you when I can think!! ;o)
~Wow, just like songs, I guess some people write about 'just about anything'!! Heh, I guess I should talk! But I was thumbing through a poetry book and found this poem:
I use it
my tiny turkey
Uhm...excuse me? THIS is poetry??? hehe well I got a good chuckle out of it at least but it just makes you wonder about what it takes to get a poem, or a whole book of it published does it not?!
~Have you listened to what the kids, practically any of them (of various age) have you heard what they are signing? Have you listened to the lyrics of the songs on the radio lately? And then society wonders WHY kids are so bold and use such bad language even at a young age?!! I mean sheesh! I don't even call those songs, how can you possibly? Where is the melody, the poetry, the soul of the song??? And honesty, does the so-called "artist" really HAVE to tell us his name about 50 times in the course of one song?! Well maybe that is just MY opinion, but it just kinda turns me off. To me, a beautiful song is one that reflects the artist's heart and soul. I know that you cannot possibly hope that all your work will be taken in context for what it means to YOU, but even if it means different things to different people, so long as it has meaning....you know? :o)
~It's officially official now....*SIGH* I really miss my "me" time, my writing time ALOT! :o( I really do miss not having the time to touch that part of myself, and I feel the tension building inside me. I know the flood waters are going to have to spill forth SOON! Speaking of water, that's another thing I miss....the hour-long scalding hot bubble baths(had to trade them for quickie morning showers) Sometimes I think..."Ok, how did I get on this crazy ride?! I want off NOW! Where's the emergency brake damnit?!! I want my life back the way it was!" But...sometimes change is inevitable and maybe one day soon I will find the time for me again. Meanwhile, I am trying to hang on to my sanity and organize my life in this blasted agenda! I know, hater of "lists" that I was...I can no longer afford to be! I just have TOO MANY things to remember now and don't have a choice, I must list them. It seems too many people, too many things want or need a "piece of me" simultaneously, and I am trying to dole it out as best I can, but argggggh! Ok, hehe, I think I feel somewhat better now :oP I will admit though, I am enjoying the challenges that have come my way thus far *Wink*
~Ok, I sat here at my desk, and I swore I was going to write tonight, just TAKE the time and do it....but I am so tired once again, it seems to have caught up with me :o( Oh well, it's a good thing that I have 2 days off coming, I'm sure that will be plenty of time for me to replenish. (sure, like I'm not going to spend these two days running around on errands like I did the LAST time I had 2 days off....) Balance...I must find a balance once again. I NEED that, in order to function properly I need to find that middle ground...That place inside of me...you know the one I'm talking about, don't you? No? Well I'd explain it to you if I wasn't so dang tired! ;o)
~Grrrrr ok, I had a very harried, frustrating day today! We have two holiday weekends in a row....I had a lot of reservations today....seems I've spent 8 hours attatched to the end of a telephone cord! It rained again today....honestly I think it's rained just about every day (or at least every other day) for the past three weeks now. Not great weather for campers, but hey I can't work miracles! hehe "I'll book them and they will come", but the weather is totally out of my hands! ;o) I was getting ready to leave the office, when I notice a groundhog going underneath my car and I tried to make noise, throw a rock or stick at it to make it go away....shoooooo! But the darn thing stayed there, and my arms are loaded, I'm trying to get my car door unlocked and I'm in skirt and sandals. All I kept thinking was "I will just die if that little critter decides to take a nibble!" So I'm standing as far away from the car as I possibly can to open the door and I'm fumbling with the key and thinking ok I'm just gonna throw everything in and jump onto the seat....well, it didn't happen that way....purse and satchel bag straps sliding off my shoulders, papers slipping out of my hands, key won't fit in the hole!!! arggggh!!....hehe funny thing is, when I finally DID get in and start the car, the darn groundhog STILL wouldn't scoot. I'm thinking...."ok so is this thing gonna chew my brake cable or something?!!" It didn't bolt from underneath the car till I started to back up...I'm saying to myself...."ok lil' fella, I gave you a chance to scoot....If I run over ya...it's your own fault!" Finally when I started to back out....there he went, to his burrow under the Laundraumat step. Hmm....wonder if we can shooo him in a harmless way?? I'll have to ask my maintenance crew what they think. Still frazzled from my long day I was driving along, and when I rounded a corner I saw this tiny fawn, it's rich brown coat still spotted...awe...I had to stop alongside the road for a bit to look at it.....my troubled day almost forgotten at the sight of this little creature, gazing at me in a bewildered fashion ;o)
~Hmm...should I be dating these entries? Who knows *shrug* I may just up and decide to take the whole thing down one day, should I get the urge...Bambi visited me right at the office today :o) I opened the door and stood on the step watching while he was a short distance away playing with a turtle on the road. So I guess I won't be loosing that daily "commune" with nature afterall. Hmm....I wonder if I can tame him before summer's end??! *Sigh* it's been a VERY busy, hectic weekend, I'm just glad it's over. However, I have yet to make it through another one....Canada Day Weekend(Canadian version of the 4th of July, for those of you who don't know *wink*)
~Here is something that happened a short while back....I sat and watched this person play his guitar, his fingers deftly moving over the frets, and "picking" the strings with talented precision. I watched intently, and in his eyes, I felt and heard the music... I read it there, just as he read the sheet music before him. I could sense the rythm moving through him, emmenating, then moving through me. It was easy to tell that music means much the same to him, as it does to me. It was easy to tell that he loves the feel of his guitar vibrating against his chest as he plays, as the music penetrates him. I'm almost sure if he'd looked at me, he'd have seen it moving through me, this...the music of the heart, harmony of the soul...but maybe he didn't need to look either, maybe he 'sensed' it as well.
~We went for a drive, to cool off a bit after dinner, and the sky was amazing....thick, pink, fluffy cotton-candy clouds lined it, mixing with shades of blue. As we drove by the lake, sky met water, the reflection lighting up the dark surface of the lake, making it look on fire! I could have stayed there forever simply looking at it...such a beautifully bright, intense, but at the same time peaceful, breathtaking vision! Aaah....nature's canvas...nourishment for the soul...just what I needed on a night such as this. :o)
~I was cruising along the other day, and when I rounded this corner, here was a quail with her little ones atow, getting ready to cross the road. There was an oncoming car, I didn't have time to brake....and when I looked in my rear-view mirror...all I could see were feathers flying up behind me :( I was really upset, and it reminded me of a dream I had a while back, where I hade come upon a dead bear cub alongside the road, I knelt in the dirt to hold it. As I stroked his soft fur, I wept...One evening last week we went for a drive in this new logging road they