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Double Y's Thoughts
23 / 05 / 2002

My mom believes words said at the heat of the moment, in a state of anger, is wholly non-incriminating and the person involved cannot be held accountable. As well, whoever is angry is the boss, and it is the responsibility of the opposing party, to whom the anger is directed, to appease the angered. As promised, here are my thoughts about it. Personally, I dont agree with either. First, words hurt. Thus, certain things should never be said unless youre prepared to deal with the worst-case scenario that may result from those words. Second, appeasing the angered should depend on whether the anger and attack is justified or not. Otherwise youd have a logical fallacy. If someone is angry with me unjustifiably, Id be just as upset at them for anger misdirected and undeserved. Thus, since both parties are upset, and both cant be appease at once, thus theres a logical contradiction. Personally, I think my mom knows this but chooses not to understand this. What shes really trying to force me to do (of which I obviously am completely uncooperative) is to forgive her for anything shes said or will say, and appease her when shes angry because she knows she will never admit to fault. Thus, by following her instructions, she will never have to admit to fault nor take any responsibilities for her actions in anger, reasonable or unreasonable. I have no problems with apologizing when I am wrong. I even have no problems with apologizing when Im not wrong if Im working and I have something to be gained from doing so in a superficial and shallow relationship. I have a problem with apologizing to family or friends when I am clearly not in the wrong because doing so would reduce the relationship to a shallow one based on gains and losses instead of on personal, emotional investments. I think this both degrades and reduces the value of the relationship.

05 / 22 / 2002

As I promised yesterday, this is what I thought of the trip. I had no problems with going a day late with my mom and Dr. Wong. As long as everyone leaves with a good attitude and a pleasant demeanour, then I am always agreeable, flexible, and compromising. The initial argument with the threat and which came extremely close to insulting my father already done irreparable damage between Dr. Wong and I. While I am and will always be grateful for everything hes done for me, Im proud to be my fathers son and if he for one moment thinks he can compete with him for my affections, he is seriously mistaken. Given a choice between him and my father, I will always choose my father. Although he may not realize the implications of his words, he has caused emotional damage to me, thus having caused irreparable emotional damage to the relationship. Some people (my mom) thinks there are no consequences to words said in anger and at the heat of the moment and you should always appease those who are angry (a type of whoever is mad is king mentality, since it is never recommended to add fuel to the fire see tomorrows thoughts for complete details). But I digress. Going back to the trip, the drive there was already sufficiently upsetting. Thus, after arriving, I really didnt want anything more do with either of the occupants in the vehicle the rest of the weekend. Obviously, when I found out I was to leave early with them, without my input, consent, or approval, I was already somewhat disappointed. I made no complaints of this, however, and still havent, so none of them know about it. At the same time, I felt like a slave, or at least like a maid and a delivery service; we drive over, deliver supplies, I get to do a bunch of work and as soon as its no longer convenient to have me around, then I can be discarded like a piece of trash. On a purely selfish note, since if I left early in my moms car, I needed to take up an extra seat anyway. Thus, I fail to see why they couldnt just stack more things into that extra seat and allowed me to travel with back with the others. Although it would have meant the ride back would be a bit more discomforting, with six people in one SUV, but it would mean I avoid the two occupants of my moms car while providing the opportunity for me to at least participate in a few more entertaining activities, having already missed out on the boat ride. However, for the sake of everyone elses comfort, and the fact that I was not in a position of strength to make demands (even though for once, I would have liked for someone to have at least asked for my opinion and show that they actually cared what I think even if they dont feel like they can do anything about it), I kept silent and made myself agreeable. Well, the abuse during the packing, combined with my initial annoyance with the decision to depart early in an uncomfortable setting, was enough to set me off. I realize it was not their intention to make me feel that way. However, since I was sufficiently infuriated, I have conveniently chosen to (irrationally and unreasonably, no doubt) interpret it as such.

05 / 21 / 2002

Im pissed. The three-day camping trip concluded on an extremely unpleasant note. The context of the situation, in my perspective, is that I had been busting my balls off doing everything I was asked (and a bunch of stuff I wasnt) in order to ensure that there are absolutely no complaints with my behaviour this time around. In actuality, the trip had not been very rewarding. The weather had hovered at near freezing point each of the two nights and other than a biking trip yesterday afternoon, the rest of the time was basically spent either working or eating. I had arrived late Saturday afternoon, thus, shortly after getting there it was time for dinner. Saturday, after breakfast, we spent a couple of hours biking, followed by lunch. Then we drove around the various towns looking for things to do or see. Unfortunately, I sat in the trunk of the car so the others would be more comfortable, and the excursion was awfully dull and cold. By the time we got back, it was time for dinner. Thus in terms of entertainment, I actually got to do relatively little. Then, this morning, I was supposed to leave with my mom and Dr. Wong because they supposedly didnt have enough room in their car, so I was going to missed out on whatever it is they were going to do this afternoon as well (full details of the trip posted under My Journal). Ive got another problem with this decision, but Ill discuss it tomorrow. Anyway, they (my mom and Dr. Wong) were leaving early, I was leaving with them instead, and we were supposed to carry a bunch of supplies back for my brothers group. My brother had placed his bike in the car and I was stacking things into the trunk because he always accuses me of not helping out when in actuality I was always hesitant because every time anyone takes the initiative to do anything without his approval, he always has a ton of complaints after the fact and insist on making the person do it again, accompanied by a full orchestra of insults. Lo and behold, he immediately decided what I was doing did not meet his endorsement. The following is the conversation that led to the explosion:

Charlie (after things have already been stacked): Take that out. Its stacked onto the bike chain. The grease will get onto it.
Me: It doesnt matter. Its only mats. Besides, everythings already been stacked.
Charlie: And are you going to wash it? Youre supposed to have thought of it before you put in the mat.
Me: Its your bike. Youre supposed to have thought of that. Its not my responsibility to go around worrying about your bike.
Charlie: You have no common sense. Youre a fucking idiot. I dont know why mom insisted on bringing you here anyway.
Me: Neither do I.

So after that little pleasant exchange, the following is my thoughts. First, I dont know whats his problem. Ive got a few guesses, but anyones guess is as good as mine whats the underlying explanation for his (in my opinion) atrocious and unwarranted behaviour. It could be because he was protective of his bike. He didnt want other things to be rubbing the grease off his bike chains and thus decided he wanted a protective layer covering his bike after the fact but wanted someone else to do the work instead. He also could be seriously concerned about the mats, although I doubt it because the mats are not his and based on my experience and opinion, its not in his nature to be concerned for things hell never use. Finally, it could be a more deeply rooted, psychological insecurity. He may be jealous or uncomfortable with my performance this weekend. Having done more work or being well received with his friends may have sparked inner insecurities. Thus, he felt a psychological need to implode on me to quell his personal anxiety. This is probably over-analysis on my part, but based on my experiences with him, he is definitely capable of such acts. Anyway, having gotten relatively little enjoyment out of the experience, but still maintaining a positive attitude, first, I dont believe I deserve such treatment, and second, it wasnt as if I was begging him to go on the trip. I have no desire to go where Im so obviously unwelcome and unwanted, and if my efforts at trying to develop a constructive relationship with someone is only going to be met with derision, taken advantage of, and interpreted as a sign of weakness, then I no longer have any intentions of sustaining that relationship. Actually, Im very upset at myself for putting myself in such a compromising situation, where I can be subjected to such abused and unable to do anything about it. After all, it is his trip and he did do most of the coordination, thus he is entitled to act in any manner whatsoever he may choose. My right is in choosing whether to go or not, and having already been aware of the possibility of things turning badly, if this was anyone else I would have chosen not to go. Unfortunately, my mother wanted me to go and I was under the delusion that going may help contribute to rebuilding our fractured relationship. I wont be making that mistake again.

02 / 05 / 15

Looking at my cell phone today and just had this thought. Ever notice how we have a tendency to come up with creative excuses whenever we want to do something for which we know others disapprove? Not only that, but we also become much more compelled to tell the world about it, since the insecurity for approval results in a over-exuberance to justify the action. I initially got my cell phone for private and ulterior motives. However, to explain my investment to my family, I justified this to my family by indicating that I was often at school and, with perpetual and regular school meetings, night classes, and assignments, I needed a phone in order to properly carry out my academic responsibilities. Now this is only a minor example, and not a big deal. However, the point is not all explanations are always particularly honest, and the more eager someone feels to justify and convince you of their behaviour, the more likely they have an alterior underlying motive. Two years ago, my cousin kept harassing her parents for a cell phone under justfication that it will make it easier for her "concerned" parents to track her movements. Now that her friends have mostly graduated from high school, I rarely hear her talk about it anymore. Coincidence? Perhaps....But the worst part about this practice is the assumption that people can't see through the superficiality of the excuse (which sometimes they really can't). But on those occasions when I do see through the false pretense, it does make me somewhat annoyed when they try to insult my intelligence by giving me a banal excuse. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

02 / 04 / 17

"Racial issues won't be history until blacks and whites stop defining themselves as blacks and whites...." Johanna Schneller, Globe and Mail, March 29, 2002.
I've always believed this but never got around to commenting on it. But upon reading her comments, I figured it's time I jot it down. I'm not suggesting that in light of racist behaviour, people should remain silent and subversive and ignore the greater social ills of society. However, I do find veryone seems to have this "victimization" attitude. It's always easier to blame others than to accept blame, and people seem to have this notion of attributing everything to rascism, sometimes justifiably, often not. For example, recently Dave Stewart of the Toronto Blue Jays (a black Assistant General Manager) quit because he wasn't promoted as General Manager and instead took a pitching coach job with the Milwaukee Brewers, playing his "racist" trump card as the reason he wasn't hired. Whether it's true or not is another matter. However, not once did he considered whether he was suitable for the role. To not hire or promote a person just because he's of an ethnic minority is bad, but to hire a person just because he's of an ethnic minority is equally unfair. Personally, I think Stewart did himself, and his entire ethnicity, a disservice by quitting, because now, not only is there no black GMs in baseball, but there's one less black Assistant GM. Getting back to the initial quote, jumping on the racist bandwagon is counterproductive, because it highlights reverse discrimination. We can't claim racism whenever it's convenient, yet dismiss it whenever it suits our purposes. Natives keep asking to be treated as equals, yet they keep demanding handouts for their reserves. MAKE UP YOUR MIND; DO YOU WANT TO BE DIFFERENT OR NOT?!? Until one day, when we stop segregating ourselves, we can't expect other people to stop segregating us.

02 / 03 / 14

This came after a friend recently stated that she didn't think I was very open-minded because I have a negetive perception of her school. I had always thought I was fairly open-minded, however, because I disagreed with her views, she didn't think I was being open-minded. This prompted me to re-evaluate my conception of myself and my definition of what I consider as "open-mindedness". After re-evaluating myself and my conceptions, this is what I came up with:
First, being open-minded is not being agreeable or being without an opinion. Just because a person has a certain perception and outlook, doesn't necessarily mean that person is close-minded. I believe being open-minded means being willing to change your stance in light of contrary or conflicting evidence. This may sound easy, yet for many people it is very difficult to do. Generally, as a result of pride or refusal to accept responsibility, most people will take a position on a topic and hold steadfast to it, regardless of whether they can provide strong evidence or support for their disposition. If they have been convinced otherwise and proven wrong, they will still refuse to admit to being wrong or being at fault. This we call stubborness. On the other hand, for others, they may never accept that they are wrong. This, I consider to be close-minded, which is slightly different from being stubborn. Stubborness usually results in a breakdown in communication, while close-mindedness usually results in name-calling, because stubborness is the refusal to acknowledge being incorrect, whereas close-mindedness is a complete lack of realization of being wrong. So getting back to the original point, I came to the conclusion I am still fairly open-minded. I am willing to change my opinions of her school if she can provide evidence contrary to my opinions. However, for now, I will hold on to my judgements based on my past experiences and knowledge because they are what I have to go on.

02 / 03 / 10

So many few brain little time....
Last night I was thinking about about my attitude towards dating. I seem to be doing things backwards. To simplify it in a question form, are two people supposed to fall in love first before they get together, or are they supposed to get together first before they fall in love? It seems to me most people do the latter, where dating and going steady is part of the process of discovery. It is based on a mutual attraction and during the period of going out, you figure out whether or not you love the other party. If you don't, then you break up. I, on the other hand, want to fall in love first before I take it to the next step. This, unfortunately, greatly diminishes my potential to become involved with many individuals. I avoid all situations that prevent the possibility of falling in love, including distance barriers, time barriers, and any other barriers, such as if they already have a boyfriend. While some may consider this noble (and others may not can call this stupidity), either way it means I reduce my chances in the dating game. This is likely one of the reasons why 26 years later, I've still never had a g/f. So am I going about it with the wrong attitude, the right attitude, or just a more cautious, but less profitable attitude?

02 / 02 / 24

Oh my. It's been forever since I've added anything to this section, even though I've had tons of ideas. Just haven't had any time to write anything. Anyway, to start things off, here's a conversation I had with my brother this morning. I was filling in billing statements for him, but he didn't want to take the time to go downtown to show me himself, so he left some confusing instructions with my mom, and when he found the forms incomplete, before he found out exactly what happened, he assumed we didn't do anything or we did something wrong:

You guys didn't save the file yesterday. Nothing was done!
What do you mean? I've filled out whatever it is that mom told me to fill out.
I'm looking at the Gao file right now and there's no changes on it.
I don't know what files we were supposed to be doing, because mom lost the sheet. But I remember working on the Moniz file...see, it's all filled.
But the diagnostic code is all missing.
I asked mom about it, and she said she didn't know if were supposed to fill it out or not. She didn't tell me to do it, so I didn't do it.
(Note: at this point he was raising his voice)
Well how come you didn't tell me that. You're supposed to tell me if you didn't do it. It's your responsibility to tell me if you didn't get your work done.
How am I supposed to know. Besides, I got woken up by the barking of the dog against my will whereas mom's already up. You should be asking her because she knows the stuff and I don't. Neither of you want to teach, yet you expect everything to be done. And this is why I don't like doing things for you. I'm getting blamed without even having done anything. I've already filled out everything that was asked, yet you claim I dind't do anything.
I didn't say that. If you want credit for what you did, I'm giving you credit. I didn't assume you didn't do anything. That's why I was asking, because you couldn't have spent all day yesterday doing nothing.
No, I'm don't care about credits, but you said we didn't save the file and nothing was done. That's a leading question and implies we didn't do anything or you didn't see any changes. My problem is you're being accusatory and blaming me when I did everything that was asked and can't even get some sleep on a Sunday morning.
You weren't sleeping. I asked you when you came out.
First, it wasn't really an unbiased question because it was stated in an accusatory manner, and second I was up because I was awaken by mom's friend ringing the doorbell, which got the dog barking, and I'm talking to you even though I want to go back to bed.
And why do you have a shitty attitude? It's still your responsibility to tell me when you didn't get the work done....
Why are you blaming me? I don't know we were supposed to do it. I even asked mom if we were and she didn't tell me. Besides, when have I had time? You went to see Cats with your girlfriend last night and didn't even look at the file all day. Yet you wake up early in the morning and expect everyone else to do it at your convenience. You didn't asking why wasn't the line filled, you were asking why we didn't do anything. Obviously I'm going to react negative to an accusation.
Forget it. I don't want to argue with you.
Good. I'm back to bed.

That discussion basically left me with a new way of thinking. I don't wanna say it's a realization, because I don't know if this is correct, but my diagnosis of the situation is the following parts. First, my brother, like usual, is accusatory and looking for blame before he got the full story. That's nothing extraordinary and I've already realized that about human nature. It's easier to blame than to accept responsibility and most ppl tend to think the worst of others before giving them the benefit of the doubt. But what I've come to believe after this morning is that to get ahead, not only do you have to be willing to accept responsibility for your actions, but you may also have to accept responsibility when it's not your fault. I don't really believe I should have been faulted for not filling in the diagnostic codes, and he shouldn't have made strong accusatory statements when he had no idea what he's talking about. Yet if he was a real employer, I probably shouldn't even have talked back. Perhaps I should have just apologized and said I'll let him know next time, even if I don't feel the least bit sorry. At the same time, maybe that's one of the marks of a true leader, to accept blame even when there's a reasonable explanation and that excuses you from fault. On another note, I think he did realize that it's not my problem, and that's why he let me off easy instead of arguing. But at the same time, his ego demanded that he doesn't admit fault nor apologize, that's why he just ended it by trying to dismiss me.

01 / 11 / 16

This is in response to a fight I had with my mom last night. Complete details of what happened is in my journal entry, and I would suggest reading it first to better put this in context. Besides, the passage is fairly emotional and in my opinion is worth reading. Anyway, I'm wondering again why ppl choose to pick fights. I'm not talking about the senseless, uneventful arguments over the Internet that ppl do just to get a reaction. I mean the serious, emotional bickering ppl do with family and friends; especially since most of the items in which we fight over end up being trivial and meaningless. However, anger is like a white lie. It builds and builds. What started out as a harmless disagreement, whereby neither side anticipates is very serious, eventually festers as both sides start to say things they regret, but the more they say, the worse it gets, until eventually the final argument has nothing to do with the initial disagreement, but becomes a personal attack on the character and integrity of the individuals involves. I think being able to control your emotions and being able to simply walk away is actually much more difficult than to strike back, and is a stronger display of character. Why some ppl choose to live such a messy lifestyle is beyond me. In a separate thought, but based on the same incident, I wonder why ppl keep coming to me to pick a fight, then, half-way through, accuses me of being full of excuses and therefore I'm just wrong and they don't want to argue with me anymore. I mean, how am I supposed to interpret that? If you're going to come to me to pick a fight, you'd better have all your arguments well thought out and be certain that they are convincing. Anytime you just end it half-way and blame me for making logical assertions that contravene your statements, you're admitting that your statements contain logical fallacies. Thus, because you cannot dispute my contentions, your arguments are based on emotional irrationality and since you are incapable of defending it, you blame it on my attitude and behaviour. Maybe this is just within my family, but if you are not prepared to convince me of your point of view, then why bother coming to me at all to pick a fight? I don't think Mike Tyson can go three rounds and say "Well, I know I can beat you eventually, but you're running around and wasting my time, so I'm not fighting anymore and you can declare me the champion." It's times like this when I feel like I really need someone mature to talk to and sort out my thoughts. I don't need a yes-man to tell me I'm right (which, ironically, seems to be what my family wants - someone who agrees with everything they say, that's the only way they seem to think is the only way to avoid confrontations). Just someone who can assess what I've been doing and telling me where I may be in the wrong and where I can improve to avoid future disputes.

01 / 11 / 15

Thought for the day: In my opinion, there's two general ways of categorizing pride - one I call internal, on external. The internal pride is what drives us, and is a good thing. It's the kind that makes us want to do better, to not be dependent on others, to improve our knowledge or skills set, or a host of other things. This is a positive form of pride, and if channelled properly, can be harnessed to fuel our self-improvement. The other type I call external. This is the type that makes us vein. It's the one that makes your jealous when someone has something you don't, the one that makes you have to look good, the one that fuels the ego and makes you too proud to admit your mistakes. This is the pride that's destructive and worthless. It's the one that the doctor in the movie 俠骨仁心 was talking about when he said 「自尊直多少?」 Obviously, it's easy to distinguish between the two, easy to point out that one is better than the other, and easy to say one should be nurtured and the other abandoned. Unfortunately, like all things in life, the righteous path is the more difficult one, and most ppl choose to embrace the external one while paying little heed to the internal. They then delude themselves by recognizing the external one as the internal. For example, ppl wear designer labels to show off to their friends. They then consider this internal pride because to them it's a sense of personal achievement and improvement of their assets. However, this is living beyond their means and nothing internal is gained from this, thus it is an empty, hallow accomplishment and not true internal pride.

01 / 11 / 13

Overheard in a conversation between Dr. Daniel Wong (my family doctor and owner of the clinic in which my brother works as a physiotherapist part-time for Dr. Wong's Motor Vehicle Accident patients) and my brother, Charlie, after he had some "issues" with my mom (who manages Dr. Wong's office):

Charlie: Did you forget to give my mom her medication today?
Dr. Wong: What? What did you say?
Charlie: Did you forget to give my mom her medication today?
Dr. Wong: I have no idea what you're talking about. Was I suppse to give her something?
Charlie: I mean she's acting all crazy and stuff. Weren't you supposed to give her something to calm her down? Me: Forget it, Dr. Wong. It's a joke. They just had an argument and he's making an indirect attack on her sanity and behaviour. But once you have to explain a joke, it's no longer funny.

Now at this point I could go on about my mom and my brother's behaviour, which is probably a more serious and worthy topic. However, I'll just leave it with my comments at the time, and that's that humour is often dependent on the audience as much as the person telling the joke. Not everyone finds the same things amusing, and once you have to explain the punchline, it's no longer funny. For example, I can't stand Jim Carrey, but then again, what do I know. Jim's got 20 million reasons per film to tell me I'm wrong.

01 / 07 / 05

Thinking of two things recently:

1. Realized I write too much. Always been fairly academically driven and had to explain in excruciating, agonizing detail every one of my thoughts. Realized these days after writing my page, I don't need that much in daily life. Much of my garbage can be edited out and still get the same point across. Thus, I'll try to keep things brief from now on.
2. Why do people fight? Is it ego, pride, or just a difference of opinion? And if it's a difference of opinion, why do people have to convince others that they're right? Why can't we all agree to disagree? People seem to need to justify everything they say or do and make sure everyone else agrees with them. I'm pondering this question because I just realized that except for the first night that we met, I have never fought with my best friend before in the roughly 15 years that I have known him. The first night that we met, we had a fight. Neither of us remember why anymore, so we just joke that I was racist against Taiwanese. However, since that day, we've never fought again. I'm wondering why can't I have that type of relationship with everyone?

01 / 07 / 05

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01 / 06 / 27

I feel like in dreams, we have less inhibition. We are more prone to be ruled by our emotions and less by our sensibilities. Decisions Id never make in real life I seem to do in dreams. This is in response to a dream I had just this morning. Complete details are in my journal. My first thought after I woke up (after the typical Thank god its a dream) is sometimes being skeptical of others and expecting the worst of them is not really a sign of judgment or lack of lack of trust but just a method of protecting yourself. But at which point do we draw the line?

01 / 06 / 25

Here's some food for thought. About an hour ago, while I was at Finch Subway Station coming home from school, a man approached me with what I presume is his wife beside him. The man was around 35 years old and spoke with an accent. Weird. He says he's from Brazil and was asking me for a job. Said he came here and now is desperate. I have no idea why he'd approach students for jobs (so I'm not really buying that story), but basically when I said can't help him with a job, he starts asking for money (which I think is the real reason). He gives this story about wanting to feed his kids (What kids?!? There was no kids with him?!?). He then says he'll pay me back if I leave him my number and he'll give me double of whatever I give him (yeah right. I don't believe it and I ain't gonna give him my number). I was gonna give him $5, but I had no small bills and minimal change. He said he'd take the 20 (how rude). When I showed reluctance, he said he'd get his girl to get change for the 20 (once again, how rude). Wasn't gonna do that. Finally my brother's girlfriend gave him $2 and we were gonna leave. He then asked for my change (again how rude), so I filtered out the change and took out the token for the Subway. He then asked for my tokens. At that point I got annoyed. I told him to be grateful for what he had! I don't think, when your panhandling, you should be telling the other person what to give or how much to give. Anyway, I wonder if I'm too much of a softie. Looking back, I probably shouldn't have given him anything, considering he was way too pushy and bossy! Well, that's my rant for the night.

01 / 06 / 25

Hmmmm...just wanna jot down why I don't include a lot of pictures or my personal info on my main page. It would probably be more convenient for everyone if I did. The truth is, I AM NOT AN ATTENTION SEEKER. I DID NOT CREATE THE SITE IN ORDER TO ATTRACT A LOT OF TRAFFIC! I want people who really want to get to know me to visit my site. I'm not interested in those that just want to get a date and thus are looking for pictures and simple bio. Besides, I'm never going to attract anyone with my dashingly handsome good looks. Thus, by not putting any of photos or personal info on my main page, it forces people who actually care to navigate through my site. And if they can't be bothered to do such, then I really don't need them here anyway. As I've said, I like to keep my cicle of friends small, but I like to keep them close. I hate people who deal with me because they have to and not because they want to.

01 / 06 / 24

I read a sentence yesterday that really struck a chord with me so I am inspired to share a thought with anyone who cares to read this. The line said "I know I can give him the happiness but he doesn't think so." The last time I gave up my pursuit of a relationship with someone was mainly because of two reasons. First, I figured out that the person will never feel about me the way I feel about her. Second, I realized that whatever it is the person wants (and I really don't know what that is), she doesn't believe I can give it to her. Unlike the sentence which produced the inspiration, I cannot guarentee anything. However, I do believe that I can provide her with what she wants, otherwise, I would not have pursued her in the first place. The thing was, I don't think I have ever gained her complete trust. I always felt that she didn't tell me many things. When I develop feelings for someone, I feel like I want to the other person to know everything about me, to tell the person everything. Since I couldn't gain that trust or communication, I realized the two points. The story is actually a bit more complicated than this, but I don't want to disclose any more information over here anymore. If you're really interested, ask me and I'll consider elaborating further.

01 / 06 / 23

For me, love is a sacrifice. When I feel strongly about someone, I generally wish them happiness and all the best. I believe if a person is in love, you want to make the other person happy. Thus, even though my failure rate is 100%, when I see that the other person has a b/f, I'm still happy for them, even though I admit I'm also jealous, a little envious, and a bit disappointed at the same time. But the way that I get by is that I believe a person has the right to choose and I have a lot of faith in myself. Thus, if the other person found a guy that has a lot more to offer than I do, then I conceed defeat and think she should be going out with someone better anyway. And if she ends up with someone I consider less attractive than I am, that's okay too, because it's her loss. Either way I'm pretty good at self-condolence and getting over things. That's also why I'd rather be dumped than doing the dumping. I get over things quick, so I don't mind getting hurt, but I can't stand hurting other people, I always feel really guilty about it afterwards. I think I express these sentiments better in Chinese: ڻ{bBeûvQӥBڻ{ڪٺiHE ҥHpGo@ӱڦnHܧڷQOӪAӧڤ]N|ѡE ӦpGoF@ӧıoڮtAڷ|{oJMn@ӤnAOolE ϥޫ˧ڳZݪ}EZ|ۧڦwE ]]pAҥHڤNQϡALڤNϤHA]ڤԤ߶˧OHڡE

01 / 06 / 20

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01 / 06 / 19 recent entries all seem to whine and gripe a lot. Viewers of my web page must think I reek of negative engergy! Yeah, I guess I have been complaining quite a bit lately, but my life is not all bad. I guess sometimes I just don't know what to talk about. Besides, it's easier to whine and gripe about how bad is your life. In life, the bad things are always more noticable, because we always take things for granted. In fact, it's not until we lose something that we learn to appreciate it. So let's take a moment to appreciate everything we have in life. Think about your friends, your family, your home, your dinner, or whatever it is that makes you tick, and then thank them for it.

01 / 06 / 18

Does it ever annoy anyone when their screen names get taken? Especially if the person that took it never uses it? I tried both Double_Y and DDT on AsianAvenue ( and it bugs the heck outta me that those names have been taken since, like, 1997, but those nimrods have done absolutely nothing to the page (pGQDڬs DDT and Double Y Ьݧڪ "LĨ̩fݭ" b "ڪɮ" ̭)! If they're not going to use the perfectly good name, give them to me! Similarly, all my nicknames have also been taken for e-mails! Both Hotmail and Yahoo won't gimme my usual nicknames. So I end up having to go with the "yangdt" or "yangdt00" for everything, which is soooooo booooring! It ticks me off I can't have my meaningful name! And I've been looking at the dot-com for my name for the last 2 years, and the site is still under construction! Some bozo took my name, and decided to just let it sit!

01 / 06 / 17

Does anyone believe you can truly get to know a person over just a simple web page or web site? Obviously, I dont. I think a web site lets you get a glimpse of a person, like looking through one window in a house. You see a part of the place, but you cant really get the full picture. Obviously, people with better designed web sites will let you get a better feel for their personality, just as looking through different windows of different sizes and location will give you different perspectives of a house. But in the end, you cant really know or judge a person based solely on the site. However, recently, I stumbled across a web page that totally impressed the heck out of me. The energy, the out-going personality, the sense of purpose in life, the creativity, the intelligence, the friendliness, and the modesty radiates from the site. I still dont believe you can becomes friends with a web page, but at least the site makes me want to get to know the person better. I have no expectations, and Im perfectly prepared for the possibility that we are totally incompatible with one another in every size, shape or form. However, I think I would regret it if I dont at least try to contact that person and see if we cant become friends.

01 / 06 / 16

Ive seen lots of web pages from people who indicate that it annoys them when people scan through web pages only for pictures and judge people without getting to know the person first, and I think thats a legitimate complaint. In fact, Im one of harshest critics of surfers who are haters and who are shallow. However, Im wondering if anyone ever get frightened as well by those who seem too trusting without even getting to know you. Ive got people who, after reading only a brief comment about me, or perhaps chat with me once or twice, who tell me they think Im a great friend and a wonderful person. Perhaps Im paranoid, but as flattering as their comments are, I dont think they should be so quick to typecast me as a saint. Dont get me wrong. I like to be thought of as a good person. However, I dont think you can come to that conclusion based on two conversations with me. Id like to think trust has to be earned (see my favourite quotes from the Chinese movie Healing Hearts), and for someone to place so much faith in me that early is frightening. I feel like theres pressure when I dont fulfill those expectations. Besides, over the Internet, who knows whats real and whats a facade. For all they know, I could be a lying, cheating player, bent on taking advantage of unsuspecting female Internet users. And I feel especially bad if our personalities end up not being compatible and I dont want to carry the relationship any deeper than just over the web. Just wondering, but does anyone else out there ever feel that way? Or am I just a little too skeptical of the world?

01 / 06 / 13

Heres another one of the many wonderful conversations I had with my brother. No wonder we dont get along. He has no idea what I'm thinking, nor is he interested in finding out my version of the truth:

You didn't call the mechanic like you said you would today, did you?
I didn't say I would call the mechanic today.
Yes you did. You told mom you were going to call the mechanic today and book an appointment.
I never said that. You don't know what I told her....
So what were you going to do? Wait for your friend to call? What if he never calls? You're just going to wait forever?
So what did you do the entire day today?
Look, I don't want to pick a fight with you. You have no idea what I told who, but if youre going to ask a biting, acidic, sarcastic question, expect a biting, acidic, sarcastic answer.
Look, I didn't ask an acidic question. You said you were going to do something and you didn't do it.
Look, you don't know what I said. I never told mom I was going to call the mechanic. But you asked a leading question, so obviously I'm not going to dignify that with an answer!
I didn't ask a leading question.
You asked me You didn't call the mechanic like you said you would, did you? That's a leading question!

01 / 06 / 12

Why do people automatically assumes the worst of others when things can be interpreted in many ways. This goes back to the quote I took from Healing Hearts (see above) about people having reasons for doing the stuff they do. Assuming that people are generally intelligent, I have often wondered by people do the dumbest things. One answer I do find somewhat satisfying came from a prof I had in Strategy class. I asked my prof: "Assuming that the person in question is fairly intelligent in order to get to where he is, why did he do what he did knowing that he was running the company into the ground." The reply was: "Sometimes smart people do desperate things." Conversely, though, why is it when people do things we can't understand, we automatically assume the worst of people. For example, I was talking to someone on ICQ once when my phone line cut out. The next thing I know, when I reconnected again, the person had sent me a flame mail saying I was rude, inconsiderate, and just left her hanging; kinda like when you hang up on someone. Similarly, when I was boiling noodles for dinner yesterday, I didn't make extra for my brother and he automatically assumed I had some vendetta against him. The truth is, he wasn't home yet when I made it, so I didn't want to leave it in the pot to get soggy, or leave it out to dry. And I'm sure when my mom called recently, and interrupted my use of the lavatory, to rat on chores she wanted me to do, she thought I was restless and annoyed at her because I didn't want to help with her work. I didn't bother explaining, but her timing is the real reason why I didn't care for a long conversation. The truth is, no one wants to be a bad guy, very few people would claim to be "evil", and everyone wants to play the saint. Thus, when others do things that may seem very unkind, there is generally some sort of reason behind it. So before we all decide to judge someone, can we at least take a moment to try and understand the motivation behind the action first? The reasons may not be very logical, they may not be justifiable, they may not be very creative, and they may not even be any good. But who are we to judge if we don't even give the person a chance to defend him/herself?

01 / 06 / 11

Why do people insist on getting an answer for rhetorical questions? Its a waste of my time and it's a waste of their time. For example, my mom asked me last night three times Did you hear me? Doesn't she realize it gets annoying after the second time, both to me and to her. I'm certain the fact that I wasn't answering her was annoying her as well, but just what the heck does she expect me to say? No, I didn't hear you even though you're like two feet away and breathing down my neck? Actually, even better, here's a conversation I had with my brother just minutes ago:

What were you so busy doing today?
I had stuff to take care of.
What stuff?
Does it matter? You don't really want to know. I hate people asking me rhetorical questions.
It's not a rhetorical question! What did you do today?
I had to go out and take care of Giles' bills, okay?
So what did you think is more important? Taking care of Giles' bills or...
And that's not a rhetorical question? The point is, whatever I told you, you were going to say I was wasting my time and I should be doing what you wanted instead.
And it took you the entire day to do that?
And mom told you to bring the soil in for her and you wouldn't do it. If you're not gonna do anything all day, you should help her. I had to lift all of it in from the car.
I never heard her ask me to do that, so I'm sure I didn't tell her I wouldn't do it.
She says you wouldn't do it.
I never heard it, so how can I reject doing it?
Maybe we should get her here and ask her?
Maybe we should, because I never heard her.

Okay, so maybe I did have time to do other stuff. That was never the point of contention. I still hate having to answer rhetorical questions. Especially if I have no intention of doing what was asked. Go to sleep, clean up your room, get laid...well, maybe I'd gladly do the last part, but no one's gonna ask me to do that.