an unsent letter... that i have nowhere to put...dear matt, I guess forgiveness is something I am incapable of. I can't really forgive my father for leaving me. I can't ever forgive you for what you did either. I think it all comes back to me being able to deal with what happened. My therapist and I never really got around to talking about you. It was always the actions that you took, the things you did that were so very wrong. I want to find you and scream into your face. I want to tell you what you have done, how you have hurt me. How you have fucked up any chance I had of ever having a normal relationship. Did you know that since that night I have been unable to be involved in a relationship without being either too clingy or pushing people away the second I find out that they have feelings for me. Yeah, I know that some of these issues come from my childhood. But before you came along a lot of them had never occured. I just thought you were this nice guy. We started talking and we had so much in common.. Or so I thought. I don't think you even realise what you did. I try to justify your actions for you all the time.. Although you probabaly think it was consensual it wasn't. I remember lying there, frozen, unaware of anythign that was going on around me. You were suposed to be my fucking friend. You were suposed to be a pal. But you just turned into a nightmare.
I remember when i was lying there.. you had fallen asleep. you're breath on the back of my neck. I wanted more than anything to crawl out of my skin and die. I wanted to scream and yell and wake you up and tell you what a dirtball you were.. that I wasn't just some stupid whore.. But I didn't.. I fell into a fitfull sleep...I woke up in the morning.. I said goodbye to you, and got back into my car and drove the hour and a half home..Wheni got home my mother asked me about you. If I thought that I liked you.. I avoided her questions.. Told her that I wouldn;t want to date someone so far away. You sent me an email that day.. I remember opening it up and just staring at it in shock.. you told me that you were going to get involved with some girl and that you hoped we could still be friends. I don;t know what was running through your mind.. I am so sure that you have no fucking clue what you did to me.
I cried all day. I crawled into my bed and cried. i cried until the tears were all gone.. I got up the next morning and went to work. I had everybody asking how my weekend was.. If i had fun visiting my friend up in Dover. I just looked down and changed the subject.
I have had enough of this.. Enough of all this shit I have gone through because of you. You tried to get me drunk.. You brough me up to your fucking room to "go to bed".. and foolishly enough I thought that was really what you wanted. I thought we would go to sleep.. Too bad you had your own plan. Well fuck you matt. Fuck you and every little thing that happens to you in your life. I hope you end up with the wife and the kids.. the big house and the nice car.. I hope you are succesful.. But then again I hope one day someone takes something away from you.. a little piece of your soul that you will never get back.. I hope they do that and you think of me.. I supose that's all i can ask.
-s
posted by Sarah Tardiff 7/8/2000 5:22:40 PM
