Thanatos News And Weather

*Camera comes on to the now familiar TNAW newsroom. Thanatos is sitting behind the desk as always. On his right, a mime. On his left, a rather normal looking young guy, except his hair is a long black column that sticks three feet above his head.*

Thanatos: "Hi, everybody! Welcome to another exciting episode of Thanatos News And Weather! Joining us today are two new commentators. On my right, the ugliest mime in the world, Ima Jackass! Ima, say hello."

*The mime doesn't look too happy.*

Thanatos: "And on my left, one of my best friends, all the way from MA, Cheese!"

Cheese: "That's not true."

Thanatos: "Huh? You still live in MA, don't you?"

Cheese: "No, I meant the other part."

Thanatos: "Other part? Oh."

Cheese: "Yeah."

Thanatos: "Oh.... Anyway. Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself, Cheese?"

*Cheese turns to look at Thanatos. His hair smashes a camera.*

Cheese: "Well, first off, my hair is only about two inches off of my head, you liar."

Thanatos: "Obviously it isn't, because this is my show, and I say it's three feet. Now shut up. Try to be more like Jackhole over here. Stupid and silent."

*The mime really doesn't look happy.*

Thanatos: "Anyway, on to the news! Our top headline today: Mimes are a bunch of child-molesting cross-dressers! Jackass, what do you think about this story?"

*The mime's face starts to look kinda purple through the paint.*

Thanatos: "So you agree?"

*The mime shakes his head furiously.*

Thanatos: "I'm going to have to take your silence as an admission of guilt. If you've molested children within the last 24 hours, just don't say anything."

Mike: "Thanatos, that's cruel."

Thanatos: "Yes, I know. Fortunately, it's just a stupid mime. What's he gonna do?"

Mime: *rude hand gesture*

Thanatos: "That's great! So, Cheese, what do you think?"

Cheese: "I think my hair is giving me a spinal disorder."

Thanatos: "Quite! On to our next story. A mysterious man, known only as Mr. X, is secretly controlling America's stock market, using it to further his own plans for world domination. Secret reports indicate that he is planning to drive the price of all news and weather shows' stock through the roof at the close of this business day."

Mike: "I didn't hear anything about that."

Cheese: "This is pathetic, Thanatos."

Thanatos: "Uhhh... uhhh... It was the mime's idea! Bad mime!"

*The mime's eyes widen.*

Thanatos: "I always said you couldn't trust mimes. Child-molesting freaks."

Mime: "That's it. It's go time, mother ######."

Thanatos: "Huh? You can't talk!"

Mime: "No, but I can kick your pansy ass!"

*The mime tackles Thanatos, and they fall onto the floor in front of the desk. Thanatos is mangled.*

Cheese: "Oh my god! OH MY GOD! There's a twenty dollar bill on the floor."

*Cheese bends over to pick up the bill just as Thanatos jumps up and tries to run away. Cheese's hair clotheslines him.*

Cheese: "Serves you right. "Three foot hair". Hmph."

Mike: "Yeah! Go mime! Bite him! Go for the knees!"

Thanatos: "Go... to a... commercial!"




*Bob the Slayer walks onto the screen.*

Bob: "Hello. I'm here to tell you about a condition that plagues millions of people. No, billions. It ruins their lives, alienates their loved ones. But you can help."

*Bob's head bows. A single tear falls from his eye.*

Bob: "The problem I'm speaking of is... idiocy. Yes, an alarming number of people out there are total morons. And the situation is only getting worse. The number of imbeciles is skyrocketing. It's gotten to the point where every aspect of our lives is choked by the numbing stupidity of others."

*Bob is overcome with emotion. SonofaGun joins him on the screen and takes up where he left off.*

SonofaGun: "But there is hope! There is a solution! Crack scientists here at the Unwashed Association to Prevent Idiocy (RAZOR) have been working around the clock-"

*Shot of SonogaGun and Bob playing pool.*

SonofaGun: "To find the solution! And they have!"

Bob: "RAZOR? Where the hell did you come up with that?"

SonofaGun: "Would you rather belong to RAZOR or UAPI?"

Bob: "Good point. So, on to our solution. We have come up with a program that will eventually reach every ignorant chowderhead on the face of the planet. We call it: 'Deadly Hunter Killer Robots With Automatic Weapons'."

SonofaGun: "The exact details of the plan must remain a mystery for now, but we assure you, it will be very effective."

Bob: "And the name is fairly indicative."

SonofaGun: "So don't wait! Join RAZOR today! Remember our motto: "Eliminating Stupidity Through Untold Slaughter, One Moron At A Time.""




*Bob Dole is standing on a stage.*

Bob Dole: "Hello, I'm Bob Dole. I was planning on speaking with you today about the federal trade defecit. Then I realized that nobody pays attention to that kind of boring crap. Instead, I'm going to mudwrestle with three young women who were jailed for prostitution to show you how tough I am on crime.*

*Bob jumps off of the stage into a swimming pool filled with mud. Said wrestling commences.*

Onlooker One: "You know, Bob's problems with ED have really dissappeared since viagra. His advertisements have changed a lot too."

Onlooker Two: "I'm sorry, what? I was vomitting. Oops, can't talk now! I'm feeling some dry heaves coming on!"

Onlooker One: "I think I'll join you."




*Back to the news room. Cheese is still there, although his hair only sticks up about six inches now. The mime is gone; the mop is back.*

Thanatos: "Well, now that I've wiped the floor with that stupid mime-"

Cheese: "He was kicking your ass until you broke off my hair and stabbed him with it."

Thanatos: "As I was saying, we've replaced the mime with Katherine Zeta Jones."

Mike: "Sorry about this, folks. We couldn't come up with any other commentators on such short notice, and he carries that damn mop everywhere."

Thanatos: "Shut up, Mike. Now, as many of you know, the year 2000 was a big fat let-down, both religiously and physically."

Cheese: "How was it a physical let-down?"

Thanatos: "I thought there would be more terrorists. I was looking forward to some good, multiple fatality explosions."

Mike: "And as for the religious aspect, we're ALL feeling let down that judgement day didn't occur. We were hoping Thanatos would be burning for eternity by now."

Thanatos: "Not until my bookie catches up to me, Mike. Anyway! We've sent our top correspondent to get a live, one-on-one interview with the Pope to talk about the religious aspects of Y2K. You know him, you love him..."

*Screen shifts to plush room somewhere in the Vatican. Sitting there is our good friend Rigor Mortis. He's still about 70% desk, and now he's covered in horrific burns too. Oh, and he's got a giant skeletal tail melded to his rear- the remains of the shark.*

Rigor: "Thanks, Thanatos! I'm here in Rome, minutes away from my interview with the Pope!"

Thanatos: "Hey, Rigor, how did you survive being thrown into the volcano?"

Rigor: "It turns out that the volcano was dormant! Unfortunately, I did fall several stories into the crater, and at the bottom I was caught in several updrafts of scalding gas from the earth's core. Still, better than dying, huh?"

Thanatos: "If you say so, Rigor."

Rigor: "Quiet, Thanatos! The door at the other end of the room is opening... I think the Pope is coming in!"

*Several men in robes rush into the room.*

Man #1: "It is as Brother Theodorus said! One of Satan's legion, come to assassinate the Pope!"

Thanatos: "Holy crap, Rigor, what did you say when you got the Vatican?"

Rigor: "Only that I had to speak with the pope, and that Thanatos sent me!"

Thanatos: "Yeah, that would explain it."

Man #2: "Quick, prepare the purifying fire! In the meantime, we will deal with him as Gabriel dealt with the dragon!"

*The men charge Rigor, wielding lances.*

Rigor: "Back to yoaaaaaaaAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!"

Thanatos: "Yes, quite. What are your thoughts on Y2K, Mrs. Jones?"

*Thanatos stares at the mop.*

Cheese: "Screw this, I'm leaving."

*He gets up and leaves. On his way out, his hair, which, in the manner of the Hydra, had grown back to double its original length, knocks one of the ceiling lights down. It falls on the mop and breaks it in half.*

Thanatos: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Mike: "Let's go to the weather."

*Screen shifts to Abnormal Finger and the weather map."

Finger: "Interesting things have been happening in the weather today! To begin with, Juhushmalustickailanistan in Asia experienced over 20 inches of acid rain. The Prime Minister of Juhushmalustickailanistan released a statement earlier today.

Prime Minister: "IT BURNS!"

Finger: "Thank you, Minister. In local news, the Thanatos News And Weather studio suffered a severe hail of artillery fire earlier today. Yes, shells have been virtually raining down upon the studio. This unusual hailstorm is totally unexpected, but can probably be linked to Thanatos inadvertently calling the entire continent of Asia "a bunch of ugly dog-#######" on the air."

Thanatos: "I was drunk, okay?"

Finger: "Finally, the hole in the O-zone layer has gotten worse, and everyone living in Australia is being bombarded with extremely painful, high-intensity solar rays. Parliament released a statement earlier today."

Parliament: "Yeah, it's a little hotter, mate. What's your point, you girly-man?"

Finger: "That's it for the weather. Back to you, Thanatos!"

*Thanatos is sitting behind his desk. The halves of the mop are in the chairs to his left and right.*

Thanatos: "I'd like to introduce everyone to our two new commentators, Britney Spears and Carmen Electra!"

Mike: "Thanatos, I think it's time for another trip to the happy place."

Thanatos: "You mean the place with the padded walls? Goody!"

Mike: "Hey, aren't we out of time?"

Thanatos: "Yeah, but who cares? The 700 Club is on next. We can take 'em."

Mike: "Like you could take that mime?"

Thanatos: "Good point. This is Thanatos for Thanatos News And Weather, saying good night!"

Finger: "Yes, I'd like the "His and Hers" thong set- wha? Good night!"

Mike: "Good night everybody!"