Thanatos News And Weather

*Camera comes on. Thanatos is sitting behind the usual big disk in the center of the screen. Behind him is a large billboard-type logo. On his left, a small purple dragon with rainbows on his wings. On his right, a large man in medieval armor.*

Thanatos: "Hello everyone! Welcome to another exciting episode of Thanatos News And Weather. I'm Thanatos, of course! On my right, rookie commentator Sir Steoric Wyrmsbane!"

Steoric: "What foul sorcery is this? Mere moments ago I was on my way to the village to visit some lucky peasant lass, and now-"

Thanatos: "That's great! And on my left, Puff the Magic Dragon! He's come all the way from Bethlehem, folks!"

Puff: "Honilee, you idiot."

Thanatos: "Huh?"

Puff: "I'm from Honilee. Oh, forget it. Let me just say that I love everyone out there! You've all got to visit me in my cave by the sea! We'll have cookies!"

Steoric: "Are there any comely peasant lasses around here?"

Thanatos: "Mike, what rock did you find these two under?"

Mike: "Well, like Puff said, he's from Honilee, and we just abducted Steoric-"

Thanatos: "That was a rhetorical question, you moron. Well, onto the news-

*A camera boom crashes onto Thanatos' head, knocking him behind the desk.*

Thanatos: "Argh! My eye!"

Mike: "Oh, so sorry about that. It was an accident. I just make mistake sometims, since I'm such a 'moron'."

*Now that Thanatos isn't between them, Sir Steoric and Puff can see each other.*

Puff: "Hi! I'm Puff the Magic Dragon! Would you like to share some cookies?"

Steoric: "Die, foul wyrm!"

Puff: "Wyrm? What's a wyr- ARGH! You stuck that shiny stick into my leg, you big jerk!"

*Puff swings a claw, decapitating Steoric.*

Thanatos: "Errr... let's go to a commercial!"



*Alderach walks onto the screen.*

Alderach: "Hi everybody! Has this ever happened to you?"

*Screen shifts to a Warrior on the on the 16th level, battling Diablo.*

Warrior: "Have at thee, demon! After I slay thee, I shall propose to Gilian!"

Diablo: "Rar."

*The warrior finally kills Diablo, using a Weird Staff of Horrible, Brutal Crippling.*

Warrior: "I am victorious! Gilian, here I come!"

*Another warrior walks in.*

2nd Warrior: "D00d, y0u k1||3d D1ab|o? |33t!"

1st Warrior: "I assure thou, it was nothing."

2nd Warrior: "U suk! D1e!"

*They fight. The first warrior is winning. He strikes the foul warrior a mighty blow with his staff- which snaps in half.*

1st Warrior: "Wirt! You little pecker! You sold me a shoddy staf- urk!"

*The second warrior kills him.*

Wirt: "Hah hah! That's what you get, stewpid head! Now I shall marry Gilian!"

*The second warrior kills Wirt.*

Gilian: "Man, I'm glad someone finally killed that little weirdo."

*Camera goes back to Alderach. He is now leaning on the Weird Staff of Horrible, Brutal Crippling, which is now repaired.*

Alderach: "That wouldn't have happened if the first warrior had only come to see us here at Alderach's Staff Repair, Alteration, and Creation! We'll turn a Brittle Staff of Painful Rashs into a Holy Staff of The Heavens for only a nominal fee! Come see us today, at the corner of Smoking Crater and Bloody Scraps Boulevard!"

*Alderach waves at their extensive inventory.*

Alderach: "And remember, if you need an example of how good my work is, come on down and I'll beat you mercilessly with this staff!"



*TSSR walks onto the screen.*

TSSR: "Hello, I'm Tssr. I'm with the Unwashed Police. Recently, the many many people and things have gone missing from the Village. If you have any information on the whereabouts of any of these people/things, please call the Unwashed Police Department at 1-800-SHOOT-STUFF.

  1. Wraith.
  2. Ariamech.
  3. Elvis.
  4. Me.
  5. Thanatos' Dignity.
  6. The Spice Girls.
  7. Elvis.
  8. Sanity.
  9. Jay.
  10. The UVCDF armory.


Tssr: "Please scratch that last item. It was found just before this aired, but it was already on the list. The UVCDF armory was found in Hatch's closet. Now we're all wondering why didn't look there first."



*Fade back in to the TNAW newsroom. Thanatos, desk, and new logo are all there. On Thanatos' left is a mop. On Thanatos' right is Jennifer Love Hewitt.*

Thanatos: "And we're back! Unfortunately, Puff had to leave- something about baking cookies. Steoric is gone as well- something about having his body drained and pumped full of formaldehyde. Our two new commentators are personal friends of mine! On my left, Christina Agueoiyaelera!"

Mike: "It's a mop."

Thanatos: "And on my left, Jennifer Love Hewitt!"

Mike: "That's a cardboard cut-out, you imbecile."

Thanatos: "So, let's go to Christina for an editorial!"

*Thanatos turns and stares at the mop, nodding occasionally.*

Mike: "Well, he's finally snapped. Let's go to the weather."

*Screen shifts to Abnormal Finger's weather map.*

Finger: "Thanks, Mike! Well, not much to report in the weather today. A tremendous tidal wave has wiped out Oregon."

Mike: "Oregon? Isn't that a video game?"

Finer: "Yeah, but apparently it's a state too. Who knew? Anyway, that's it for the weather. Back to you, Thanatos."

*Screen shifts back to Thanatos. He is apparently trying to feel up the mop.*

Thanatos: "C'mon, Christina, don't be so shy..."

Mike: "Crap. I coulda worked for 60 minutes, but noooooo, it's Thanatos News and Weather for me... let's go to Rigor in the Pacific!"

*Screen shifts to a remote island in the Pacific ocean. Rigor Mortis is standing there, still melded to a desk.*

Rigor: "Thanks, Mike! I'm here on the remote island of Oompa-Loompa-Land, deep in the Pacific. I was actually supposed to be doing a report in Hong Kong, but the sailors feared that I was some sort of demon and eventually threw me overboard. I managed to swim to this island. Got a nice souvenier though!"

*He turns around. A shark's skeleton has its teeth firmly sunk into Rigor's wood backside.*

Rigor: "Stupid thing refused to let go."

*At this point, several men run up to Rigor. They're all covered with body paint, and are wearing necklaces of skulls.*

Rigor: "Look, it's some of the natives! I'll attempt to communicate. Hello, I am Rigor Mortis."

Native: "Aiiieee! Desk Demon! Kill it!"

*The natives attack Rigor.*

Rigor: "Arrrrrghhhhhh! Back... to... (my spleen!) you... Mike!"

Mike: "Well, we managed to get Thanatos off of that mop via cattle prod. Back to you, Thanatos."

Thanatos: "Bastards... you stole my true love... well, anyway, Thanatos News And Weather has itself a new logo! Check it out!"

*Thanatos motions to the logo behind him.*

Thanatos: "See!? Ain't it great! "TNA!" Wait a second. TNA? Mike, what the hell are you doing? Where's the W?"

Mike: "C'mon, Thanatos. You know as well as I do that this logo will get us more viewers."

Thanatos: "Well, yeah, I guess... umm... back to Rigor in the Pacific!"

*Screen shifts to Rigor. He's being carried up a mountain path by the natives. He's got about 15 spears in him.*

Rigor: "Sorry, Thanatos! I can't talk now! The natives are going to introduce me to their God! They said his name was "Vol Cano." I can't wait!"

Native: "Yes. Desk Demon make good sacrifice."

*Back to Thanatos.*

Thanatos: "Uhhh... okay. I'm afraid we're out of time for tonight, folks! This is Thanatos for Thanatos News And Weather, saying BRING BACK MY MOP!"

Rigor, over satellite feed: "Good niiiiaaaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhh! HOT!"

Finger: "Make sure you check to see that they're GOOD assassins... huh? Good night!"

Mike: "Good night, everybody!"