Thanatos News And Weather

*The camera comes on. Thanatos is still sitting behind the big desk, with Angry the dwarf to his... um... left. Yeah, his left. On his right, a man dressed in late 18th century American attire.*

Thanatos: "Hi everybody!"

Off-camera voice: "Hi Dr. Nick!"

Thanatos: "What the hell are you talking about, Mike? We're on the air here. Shut up."

*The man on the right has been furiously recording all this. He slips the paper into his boot, takes a new paper, and starts again.*

Thanatos: "Anyway, welcome back to Thanatos News And Weather! With me tonight is veteran commentator Angry the Dwarf-"

Angry: "That means I survived the first episode, ya bastards."

Thanatos: "And a relative newbie to our crew- wait a second. Where the hell is he?"

*From backstage a man can be heard shouting "Unhand me!". Moments later, Ozymandias, wearing a "TNAW Security" shirt, brings the man back out and handcuffs him to his chair.*

Ozymandias: "Sorry, sir. He was trying to sneak outside with transcripts of the episode in his boot. Why, I can't imagine- we're airing the whole thing anyway."

Thanatos: "We have a security team? Who'd have thunk it. Well, anyway, thanks."

Ozymandias: "No problem."

*He continues standing there.*

Thanatos: "So, on to our first story... why are you still here?"

Ozymandias: "Where's my tip, you cheapskate?"

*Thanatos' face purples.*

Thanatos: "WHAT!? It's your job, you idiot!"

Ozymandias: "Is that so?"

*Ozymandias tackles Thanatos, and they disappear behind the large desk*.

Thanatos: "Argh! Not the nightstick! Oof!"

*Ozymandias stands up and walks off. He seems to be carrying a wallet.*
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...
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Mike: "Thanatos? Get up!"

Thanatos: "Who's Thanatos? Where am I? Ooh, the ceiling's pretty."

Mike: "Uhhhh... commercial break!"



*Silmaril appears on the screen. Behind him are a large group of men with pointed ears and shiny swords.*

Silmaril: "Need the evil hordes of the undead destroyed? Just call Silmaril's Elven Legion! Keys made while you wait!"

*Jon walks onto the screen.*

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*Thrakazog and Turjan walk onto the screen.*

Thrakazog: "Did you recently engage in a heroic, life-or-death struggle?"

Turjan: "Or hell, did you just walk to the kitchen and get yourself another beer during the commercial?"

Thrakazog: "Then call Thrakazog and Turjan's Recording Service. I, Thrakazog, will write a genuine scribble commemorating your recent engagements."

Turjan: "And I'll draw it for you, complete with a Much-More-Attractive-Than-In-Reality you!"

Thrakazog: "And remember, if you're not 100% satisfied,"

Turjan: "Then you can sod off, old chap!"

Thrakazog: "Damn right!"



*Back in the newsroom, Thanatos is sprawled in his chair. His cowl doesn't seem to be fitting so well at the moment- it's rather ruffled.*

Mike: "And we're back! After several minutes of blunt-force therapy-"
*Thanatos downs a few Aspirin*
Mike: "Thanatos' memory is restored, and we're ready to go!"

Thanatos: "Yes, quite! Our top story today, a busload of hostages was driven off of a cliff in NY, just a few hours ago! Details are still coming in!"

*A bulletin is handed to Thanatos.*

Thanatos: "This just in: The crazed maniac who hijacked the bus was reportedly wearing a T-shirt with TNAW... on the... back... Mike, WTF is going on?"

Mike: "Slow news day. We needed a headline."

*Meanwhile, the man next to Thanatos has picked his handcuffs. He jumps up, runs over to the window, and leaps out.*

Mike: "Goddammit. Security, get Benedict Arnold back up here, will you? And don't be too gentle."

Thanatos: "Err... right. I can see I need to have a talk with my buddy Mike, so why don't we cut to the weather?"

*Screen shifts to Abnormal Finger.*

Finger: "Thanks, Thanatos! As you can see from this weather map, the warm front of Capitalism is colliding with the cold front of Communism over Norway, and you know what that means- heavy snows and radioactive fallout!"

*Benedict Arnolde runs across the screen.*

Benedict: "I must get word to France!"

Angry: "God, security around this place sucks. I'll handle it."

*Several gunshots ring out. Benedict Arnold goes down.*

Thanatos: "Hey, Mike, send in a new commentator!"

Finger: "If we could continue... thanks so much. Now, in Washington DC, a rather unusual weather phenomenon is occuring. Due to the approaching presidential elections, DC and the surrounding area should experience 18-24 inches of heavy crapfall. The nation's capital will be awash with excreme- dammit, Arnold's bleeding on my pumps. Can we get a mop in here? Oh, the hell with it. Back to you, Thanatos."

Thanatos: "Thanks, Finger! Now, as was reported in the last TNAW, France recently fell into the center of the earth as a result of Fattus Atlas. However, inside sources-"

Angry: "The UN spokesperson accidentally admitted it, you ugly cur."

Thanatos: "inside sources have led us to believe that there may be some connection between France's implodation and the UN. We go now to our investigative reporter, Joe. Joe?"

*Screen shifts to a darkened hallway. A man in a trenchcoat is standing in the middle of the hallway.*

Man: "Joe McCarthy here, bringing you the latest from my current position, deep inside the secret UN complex beneath Hawaii."

Thanatos: "Uh, Joe? Do you really think you should be broadcasting from inside there? I mean, isn't it dangerous?"

Joe: "Well, yes, but I'm willing to go to any length to protect the good ole U. S. of A. from the commie trash."

Thanatos: "Uhh... communism? I was under the impression that it was the UN."

Joe: "Yes, but it's obviously the communists who are behind it. They always are. Why are you trying to protect them, Thanatos?"

Thanatos: "I'm not trying to prot-"

Joe: "That's enough! You're a commie yourself, aren't you? That's it! Your whole studio is blacklisted! You'll never work again!"

Thanatos: "Joe, are you insane? Joe? You there?"

Cameraman in UN base: "Sorry, Thanatos, some guy in a black suit walked up behind him and garroted poor J- HURK!"

Thanatos: "Yes, quite. Well, we'll have more on that story as soon as we find Joe's body. In the meantime, why don't we go to our Special Feature tonight, a close-up look at America's educational systems. We go now to our special correspondent, broadcasting from Mrs. Thurston's kindergarden class in Iowa. You there?"

*Screen shifts to a kindergarten classroom. Desks are overturned and school supplies are everywhere. In the center of the screen, a twisted ruin of a man stirs slightly.*

Man: "Rigor Mortis here, bringing you the latest from Iowa!"

Thanatos: "Crud, Rigor, what the hell happened?"

Rigor: "I can't understand it, Thanatos. As soon as I dragged my twisted body into the class, all the kids started screaming. They all bolted for the windows and jumped out. Then the teacher started beating me with a fire extinguisher. She got in a few good licks before she bolted too."

Thanatos: "Well crap, Rigor, why didn't you stop them?"

Rigor: "Gee, lemme think. Maybe because I'm still fused to a desk?"

Thanatos: "Oh yeah. Maybe we shouldn't have sent you unannounced to a kindergarten class, huh?"

Rigor: "The thought had occured to me, yep."

Thanatos: "Well, we'll have to make apologies to the teacher and her students, I suppose-"

Rigor: "Uh, Thanatos? This classroom's on the fifth floor."

*Thanatos twitches.*
Thanatos: "Dear God."
*He twitches again.*

Mike: "Uhh... let's go to an editorial with our new correspondent!"

*Screen shifts back to the desk. Pan is sitting where Arnold used to be.*

Angry: "Hey, if you're a pixie, where are your wings?"

Pan: "I'm afraid my editorial tonight has to be cut short so I can attend to other business. The gist of it was pretty simple, anyway: Revolutionary Girl Utena is the nirvana of entertainment, except it needs more lesbians. Now, if you'll excuse me..."

*Pan tackles Angry and the roll out of sight behind the desk.*

Angry: "ARGH! NO! OUCH! MY SPLEEN!"

Mike: "Somebody tape that! A pixie fighting a dwarf- Jerry Springer will pay thousands for it!"

Thanatos: "I'm afraid we're out of time for tonight. This is Thanatos for Thanatos News and Weather, saying good night!"

Finger: "Good night folks! Don't forget to buy my book, I'm Not Cute, Dammit!"

Angry: "AIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!! I needed those to keep the dwarven race alive!"

Mike: "Good night, everybody!"