HAMPERED
I sometimes
do regret
that I
have never
seen a
porker fly.
But should
such miracle
occur
my hands
will move
with
frightening
blur
to trigger
off
a mighty 'blam'
when I
shoot down
that
flighty ham.
(c)John Holt 12-Aug-99
ARNOLD'S DAY OUT
Arnold's
day
at
county
court
left
him
on
edge,
his
nerves
all
fraught.
The
Charge
read:
'Guillotined
his
spouse,
for
turning
lights
on
in
their
house'
Said
Arnold
"I
am
in
disgrace,
for
cutting
down
on
my
wife's
waste"
The
Judge
did
not
like
Arnold's
pun.
He
gave
him
99
+
1
(C)John Holt 30-Jul-99
I NEVER KNEW THAT UNCLE TED...
I never knew
that Uncle Ted
had trouble
with his
cone-shaped head.
He always
wore a hat,
you see,
when ever
he came
'round to tea.
But now I know
that uncle's head
caused lots of
trouble in the bed.
It seems that
Auntie Jill
his wife
was poked a lot,
which led to strife.
She claimed
the cone part
made her ill
and so she took
an extra pill.
Now Uncle's gone
(his heart gave out)
auntie sleeps
and does not shout.
(c)John Holt 29-Jul-99
DON'T TELL GRAMPS
Don't tell
Gramps
you hid
his stick
and watched
as he
searched
'round
for it.
Don't tell
Gramps
you filled
his pipe
with 'herbs'
from your
friend's
'party
night'
Don't tell
Gramps
you took
his 'teeth'
and gave
them to
your
boyfriend
Keith,
who painted
them in
marble check -
then hung
the dentures
'round his
neck.
Don't tell
Gramps
about this
stuff,
he'd have
a stroke
or cut up
rough.
Just
let
him
think
you're
still
a child,
and
nearly
ten
and not
so wild.
(c)John Holt 26-Jul-99
AUNT ATTACK
The boy next door
-his name is Jack-
prefers to sleep
inside a sack.
He claims the ants
can't get in there
(his sister says
it's just a 'dare')
His Auntie says
he shouldn't stay
outside each night
and sleep that way.
(c)John Holt 20-Jul-99
LENNY'S LAST SPIN
When little Lenny
fell inside
the dishwasher
Pa tanned his hide.
Ma doesn't worry
any more,
her little boy
stays by the door
and there he
hangs in pride
of place
the cleanest
look upon his face.
(c)John Holt 22-Jul-99
INTELLIGENCE TEST
Lucretia took
another look
inside her
teacher's
answer-book.
She copied down
what she saw there
then passed exams
without a care.
Her parents said
'You clever child!'
Lucretia nodded
and just smiled.
I only heard
the other day
she's working now
for CIA.
(c)John Holt 22-Jul-99
SO FAR SO GOOD...
Arnold cleaned
his window pane
because the forecast
said "no rain"
He climbed out
on the window sill
and polished hard
to make it brill´
But stepping back
out into space
a silly look
came on his face ~
A neighbor on
the 20th floor
heard Arnold shout
-"Just 19 more!"-
(c)John Holt 22-Jul-99
LEAVE IT TO HENRY
Henry knew
that he
should
not
put
kitty
in the
boiling pot,
when
he
realised
what he'd done
he
said
"I was
just having fun"
His mother
thought
it was
bad form,
she cried
"It's such
a waste!
I'll have
to throw
the stew away ~
it has a
pussy taste".
(C)John Holt 24-Jul-99
BUSSED OUT
When auntie Beryl
left one day,
she said she had
to get away.
So auntie packed
her favorite hat
and Geraldine
the family bat.
She waved goodbye
then took a bus
and disappeared
without a fuss.
We never heard
from her again
(but someone saw
the bat in Spain).
(c)John Holt 21-AUG-98
WILL POWER
Cousin Thelma
made her Will
before she took
another pill.
She combed
her hair
then smoothed
her dress
and murmured
`Well that`s it,
I guess..`
(c)John Holt 21-AUG-98
RUDE JOY
How odd that
great-aunt
Ermintrude
is constantly
so very rude.
She screams
and shouts
at everyone
but it`s her
way of
having fun.
(c)John Holt 21-AUG-98
