EXORCISM
You said you wanted
much, much, more
(but never mentioned this before),
-impossible for me to do-
and so you walked; you
trashed the rules we made,
agreement previously set,
and carried on your life
as if we never met -
And my heart breaks
And my head aches
And I want you
out! Out of my soul!
Out of my thinking!
Out of the picture!
Out of my mind!
Ecstasy was our delight
love was not the anchor chain,
heated passion, for itself,
was to be our mutual gain.
But you soiled it, spoiled it,
changed our game plan,
threw away delight and lust,
stopped our meetings
broke the contract
swept what we had
into the dust!
Now I know I have to show
I can make my life again,
exorcise the ghost of you,
bury sorrow, bury pain.
Seven words I say each day,
helping me to start anew,
'Self Esteem Is My New Dream'
It helps me in forgetting you.
(c) John Holt 28-Apr-1999
CHANGING LANDSCAPE
All colors to my eye are grey.
My appetite has lost its will.
Thirty hours now curse the day,
existence but a bitter pill
This aspect often brings its dread
as mind with thought is so employed,
and sentiments dwell on the dead
forgetting things I had enjoyed.
Depressive thoughts are cast aside
as I revive my self esteem.
I had mislaid my errant pride
but in the dark I saw it gleam.
I will arise to seek fresh fields,
while I cast off the gloomy things.
Imagination paints and yields
the brightest colors for my wings.
Fresh mental palette with new brush
paints out the noise, paints in the hush,
soft gentle patterns of the kind
that dance, around my inner mind.
(c)John Holt 18-AUG-1998
CHECKING OUT
checked the mailbox.
nothing there.
mailman's late.
doesn't care.
checked the papers.
nothing new.
all washed up.
must be true.
checked the mirror.
do I exist?
face stares back,
looking pissed.
checked the c.v.
what's it worth,
this `rich` experience,
since my birth?
checked my poems,
on the net.
no one comments.
nothing yet.
checked my ego.
nearly dead.
expiring somewhere
in my head.
checked my buddies.
where are they?
all out working.
have a nice day.
checked the channels.
on tv.
full of bullshit,
just like me.
checked the bible.
- what the hell -
told the God-dude
I'm not well.
checked the bottle.
checked the gun.
time to end
a life of fun.
(C)John Holt 03-AUG-1998
DOWN FALL
Raining.
Water bullets hammer glass.
Symmetrical globes
beauty lost, washed away.
Ground claims bodies.
Water-vampire drinking life.
My identity knew rain.
Hammered, smashed, swept off.
Another vampire claimed me.
(C)John Holt 03-AUG-1998
NO TRUMPS - NO TRUMPETS
When the last trump sounds
I won't be there.
No. I won't rise.
My demise made no difference.
The sum of my parts
doesn't equal the whole.
I can't appear.
Judging my zero won't fit in
to their scheme of things.
(C)John Holt 03-AUG-1998
KICK-DOWN
Drag me out.
Stamp on me again.
Pain stopped long ago.
You can't shatter
what I don't have.
I`m used to shit.
Doesn't hurt anymore.
Dial 911 before you go.
Don't forget to close the door.
(C)John Holt 03-AUG-1998
FURNACE
got incentive
in my present state.
won't say i`m
all done with hate.
it corrodes me.
loads fuel.
drives my crane.
picks at my soul.
need this
if i am going
to destroy you,
enjoy watching
you squirm
like the worm you are.
but i can wait.
you don't know the heat
of my `furnace`.
with him you erased
old memories.
invented new games.
enjoy yourself.
don't think about my faxes
or the calls to your home
in the early hours.
they haven't happened yet.
got to go now;
hatred needs a lot of attention.
(C)John Holt 03-AUG-1998
