Story Notes: Takes place during the fourth and fifth seasons, between the events of "Unforgettable" and "Counterpoint". The title is taken from "Foundation and Empire" by Isaac Asimov.
 

Janeway sat at her desk in the Ready Room, studying her computer screen. They had been in orbit around the class M planet for 3 days, scanning the crust and interior, seeking useful materials. The captain rubbed her forehead wearily. The never-ending quest for foodstuffs and minerals, she thought. Sometimes it seems we spend more time looking for those than we do for a way of getting home.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the chime of the door. "Enter."

The First Officer stepped into the room. "Captain, work parties are already in place to begin extracting and transporting materials from the surface. According to the schedules I've worked out, we should be finished and able to resume course in 72 hours."

"Very good, Commander. Is there anything else?"

Chakotay handed her another padd. "Since the planet is uninhabited and the climate temperate, shore leave, on 6 hour rotations, can be granted while we remain in orbit."

Janeway nodded while perusing the report. "A good idea".

"Which shore party would you like to be assigned to, Captain?"

Janeway didn't look up. "I do not plan on taking leave at this time, Commander."

He didn't argue with her. He didn't tell her she was in need of some rest, didn't insist that not only was she going to take leave but he was personally going to make sure of it. The time had long passed that he would say something like that to her or since they'd had a conversation which didn't pertain to the ship operations. As the door closed behind him, she thought back to the time when things had been very different.

One year earlier:

"Tuvok to Janeway."

"Janeway here, Tuvok," she said between mouthfuls of Neelix's "blue plate special." She wished someone had explained to the Talaxian that the ancient Earth expression was supposed to refer to the color of the plate and not the food. It tasted all right, but the color was a little off-putting, to say the least.

"I request that you and Commander Chakotay meet me in the conference room immediately, Captain. It is a matter of some urgency."

Janeway tried to think what the emergency could be. Things had been rather calm and uneventful lately; nothing of recent import came to mind. Actually, her recollection of the last two weeks seemed to be a bit blurred, which she attributed to her chronic state of sleep deprivation and nothing truly memorable occurring anyway. "All right, Tuvok, I'm on my way. Did you already notify Chakotay?"

"No, Captain, I had assumed the Commander was in the Mess Hall with you."

"He's not here. We were supposed to meet, but he said he couldn't make it." Janeway deposited her tray in the recycling chamber and strode into the corridor.

"I will contact him now. Tuvok out."

When Janeway entered the conference room both men were already waiting for her. Chakotay was standing by the viewport, looking out at the stars. His face was set in pensive lines. She moved towards him, concerned, and was about to ask him what was the matter when the Vulcan officer spoke.

"We have experienced a serious security breach within the last 24 hours." A dramatic announcement, despite the unemotional voice in which it was stated.

"Are you sure? What kind of breach are we talking about?" Janeway demanded.

"Unauthorized transports onto and off of the ship, the abduction of personnel, the introduction of a computer virus designed to purge our sensory files of any information--"

"Hold on just a minute," Janeway interjected. "I can't believe that anything like that has occurred. For one thing, none of that sounds even remotely familiar. I'm sure I'd remember if we'd been invaded--"

"No, you would not," Tuvok said firmly. "Our memories of the events have been tampered with as well."

Glancing at the still silent Chakotay, Janeway stated the obvious. "If our memories have been wiped, Tuvok, how do you know that any of this occurred?"

Tuvok handed her a sheaf of papers. "We had been warned that we would not recall the events of our encounter with the Remoraans, Captain. I took the precaution of recording my observations on paper in the hope that the virus would have no effect on such a primitive medium. This morning I discovered my report, and upon reading it, decided to bring the matter to your immediate attention."

Janeway took the proffered sheets and began to read, passing each one to Chakotay as she was finished.

"This is incredible. I can't believe that all of this occurred and we have no memory of this Kellin or her people!" Janeway was still skeptical, but the amount of detail was convincing in itself.

"Captain, please finish reading before you comment further. There are, uh, 'ramifications' to the episode that you and Mr. Chakotay need to be aware of."

Janeway was about to press Tuvok further, when she came to a line that made her stop and re-read, sure that this could not be true. "Thank you, Tuvok, I need to finish this and discuss it with the Commander. Dismissed."

After Tuvok left the room, Janeway turned to her first officer. "You haven't said one single word, Chakotay. You don't even seem surprised!"

Chakotay hesitated, and then looked her in the eye. "That's because I'm not. You see, Tuvok wasn't the only one who thought of using paper." He unfolded some sheets of his own that she hadn't even noticed him holding. "It's all true, Captain. The story of Kellin, her asking us for asylum, and her eventual forced return to her people."

"And the part about your involvement with her?" Janeway was reluctant to pry but he seemed to be holding something back. She did not like the feeling that was growing in the pit of her stomach.

"True as well," he said quietly. And then, almost to himself, "And I can't even remember her."

Seeing the look of distress on his face, Janeway forced herself to clamp down on her own emotions and took a step closer to him, laying her hand on his arm. "Chakotay, I'm sorry. It must be very upsetting to feel--"

He shrugged her hand off almost violently. "Upsetting? You have no idea how I am feeling. You have no idea how it feels to find out that you once again fell madly, passionately in love with someone just to have it all suddenly ripped away and leaving you with nothing, not even memories!"

She tried to speak but could make no headway against the angry torrent of words. "How dare you presume to tell me how I feel, when you have never been able to recognize or act on your own feelings! For years I've been suppressing my feelings, my desires, because you were worried about protocol--the captain can't possibly allow herself to be human, and be involved in a relationship.

"And not only did you deprive yourself, but you deprived me as well. This story," he shook the papers at her, "This story has an echo of the person I used to be, the person I've been denying for the past four years."

Her voice was low but the steel was still very much in evidence. "I think you're confusing a few things here, Chakotay. You're upset over Kellin and for some reason you think that lashing out at me is going to make you feel better. You agreed with me, when we returned from New Earth--"

"Agreed! You mean you decided for us both! Just one of many examples of you manipulating people and events to serve your own purposes."

"I never manipulated you!" she cried, her resolve to be calm forgotten.

"Oh, really? Then what do you call that 'I can't imagine a day without you' crap followed by your turning on me because I disagreed with your decision to form an alliance with the Borg. And then when I made a command decision while you were lying unconscious in sickbay, you acted like I had personally betrayed you."

No, personal betrayal came earlier, with Riley Frazier, she thought to herself, but aloud she only said, "I trusted you--"

"To take care of the situation to the best of my ability. And I did. And need I remind you that thanks to my actions, we had only one Borg intent on assimilating us after the threat with Species 8472 was over."

"That was a long time ago, Chakotay. I thought we'd been able to get past that whole episode. Why are you insisting on dredging this all up now?"

"It's not just ancient history, Kathryn. It happened again after we got those letters from home, and after we fought the Hirogen. This is your pattern, throw me some crumbs and then pull back when it looks like I might be getting closer to you, when you might be about to let me in."

"Chakotay," she began again, striving to shift gears. "I don't want to fight with you. You're hurting, and I hate to see you like this. I'd like to help you, but I can't if you won't let me."

He stepped closer to her, caught her chin in his hand and gazed intently at her. "What are you offering, Kathryn? To be simply my 'friend', or to allow us to have the kind of relationship we should've had years ago?"

She whispered, "I can't do that, Chakotay, you know I can't and it's unfair of you to ask."

"Why is it unfair? We're in the Delta Quadrant, for goodness sakes, thousands of light years from home, very little real chance of getting home any time soon. Are you always going to put off the present for the sake of a nebulous future?" His eyes, so close to her own, were very dark and compelling.

"Chakotay, don't do this, please. After Mark--"

"Damn it, don't throw Mark at me! You yourself admitted you used him as a security blanket for years, and I finally realized from all this business with Kellin that you've been using me the same way. I want to live in the here and now, Kathryn, I want to give and receive love and let myself be whole once again." He stopped for a moment, drew a sharp intake of breath. "This is the last time I'm ever going to ask you." He released her abruptly as he read the answer in her eyes, and then he turned and walked away.

She let him go, her mind awhirl with a sense of unreality. This isn't happening, she thought, it can't be. He's upset, he'll calm down eventually and things will go back to the way they were. She let him go, and afterwards cursed herself for her own cowardice which ended up costing her much more than she had expected.

Things settled down, after a fashion. There was too much going on to spend much time brooding over her personal situation. Encounters with aggressive aliens, dangerous celestial phenomena, hoping, always hoping, of finding a way home. Never a dull moment in the Delta Quadrant.

Through every crisis, and the intervening calm, Chakotay never deviated from his smoothly professional persona of First Officer. He never made any comment that could be interpreted as personal, never made any demands.

She was relieved, at first, thinking this was his way of coming to terms with the situation, but after a while she realized it had been some time since he had smiled or joked with her, a long time since he'd commented on her copious coffee consumption. He used to nag her about it all the time. They didn't have "working dinners" anymore. He politely excused himself at the end of the shift and she didn't see him again till the next day.

The Voyager rumor mill eventually supplied the answer. Chakotay was seeing an ensign from Engineering, one of the former Maquis. He hadn't exactly been celibate in all their years on Voyager, but this was the first time since Seska that he was involved with someone on the ship. Janeway was unhappy, but knew she had only herself to blame.

Captain's personal log: He really did it. He moved on. Damn it, I am not going to allow myself to be jealous. My pride is wounded, that's all. I must have an incredible ego, thinking that all I'd have to do is crook my little finger at him and he'd come running back for more of the same. But he won't. I guess I didn't really expect him to wait, especially when it's not too sure that there's something to wait for. I wonder if I'm even capable of having a normal stable relationship. Look at my track record. All those years Mark and I were together, why did we wait so long to decide to get married? Did he sense my reluctance? But it doesn't matter any more, since he moved on, too. I didn't expect him to wait forever, but for crying out loud, why did he have to send a "Dear John" letter through the array? "Hi honey, glad to hear you're not dead, your first communication from me and the Alpha Quadrant in years and I thought I'd tell you that I got married so you have no one to come back for." Period.

The bridge crew was aware of the growing distance between the captain and commander. Janeway was still very much "hands on" with the rest of her officers, but she never touched her second in command, never tapped his arm or laid her hand on his chest when making a point. It was noticed that she never called him by name, only by his title. Even at staff meetings, they barely made eye contact.

Janeway stood by the viewport in her ready room, gazing outside. The stars were scattered thinly here, in this region of space, and she found the increasing blackness depressing. What else is new, she thought to herself. The ship was beginning to pall on her. How many reports could she keep slogging through, reading about upgrades and maintenance, to the warp drive, to the replicators, to the hydroponics. Even the reports from the shuttle construction crew, capably headed by Joe Carey (who had been glad to get out of Engineering and lead his own department) failed to hold her interest.

She had begun skipping meals occasionally, finding it difficult to sit in the mess hall, overhearing gossip about the latest couples on Voyager. She did not want to admit to herself that she was afraid that Chakotay's name would be mentioned. She had heard he was no longer seeing the ensign from Engineering, but she also knew it was only a matter of time until he found someone else.

The holodeck was also not appealing to her as much anymore. She was bored with her Renaissance program. She knew that she did not have great artistic talent; the true artist in the family was her sister Phoebe, and the reminder of home was painful. And the Maestro was beginning to get on her nerves. Who would have thought a hologram could be so sanctimonious, she thought, and then acknowledged that the Doctor certainly fit that description. Her holonovels had been unaccessed for some time as well.

Captain's log: We have now entered a region of space with no celestial phenomena whatsoever. The crew is calling it the "Void" and we estimate it will take us a very long time to get through the expanse. Preliminary reports range from six months to two years. Neelix and the Doctor are very concerned about the crew's mental health and morale. At the first officer's recommendation, we have expanded the holodeck rotations while at the same time limiting the duration of each session, in order to maximize time for all of the crew.

After a few weeks, the strain was beginning to be apparent. There was nothing new to report, nothing to see or do. Janeway found it increasingly difficult to sit on the bridge and stare at the inky blackness of the main viewscreen, while feeling the eyes of the crew bore into her. While on duty, she felt the burden of carrying all of their hopes and dreams. She felt their frustration, their loneliness, their feelings of abandonment, all brought on and then intensified by the Void. How long had they been traveling through this region of space? Not very long, compared to their overall journey. But even after they emerged into the light, how long would it be until they truly reached the safe and familiar confines of the Alpha Quadrant? Had they given up all hope of getting there? Had she?

Chakotay signaled again. No response. He sighed, and then entered the emergency override code. It took a few seconds for his eyes to adjust from the brightness of the corridor to the gloom in her quarters. She stood by the port, gazing out, always looking out although there was nothing to see. In the half-light he could see that she was not in full uniform. Her hair, always so perfectly groomed, now lay untidily about her face. The folds of the turtleneck seemed to hang sloppily on her as well, the impression of weight loss reinforced by the gaunt reflection he saw in the glass.

Unbidden, a memory flashed into his mind of the captain as she had been during the early years of their journey. Even under attack by the Kazon, even when threatened by the Vidiians, her uniform had always fit her like a second skin, her burnished hair immaculate and neatly arranged in the confines of its bun. Another fugitive memory threatened, Kathryn, laughing, in a loose dress and up to her elbows in mud, her long hair gleaming in the sunlight as it fell below her shoulders.

She barely seemed to acknowledge his presence now. He gave her the daily report, tried to persuade her to take some interest in what he was saying. It was her ship, after all, the one thing that he believed she truly loved.

"You've picked a bad time to isolate yourself from the crew."

"Tell them the captain sends her regards."

But it was a threat to the crew that brought her out of hiding eventually. When she confronted the Malon, they could almost believe that they had their Captain Janeway back, that she hadn't abandoned them after all. Until she tried to sacrifice herself, in a needlessly suicidal mission, which also brought them out of the Void.

Captain's personal log: I have decided I need to see the Doctor about how I have been feeling I am the first to admit that my actions lately have not exactly been those of a rational person. All I need is for my second in command and security chief to confront me. I am functioning, more or less, doing what is expected of me. But, oh God, it hurts. It really hurts.

"It's a very simple request, Doctor."

"Captain, you cannot simply walk in here, announce that you are depressed and ask me to give you something to make you feel better. I need to run some tests and make sure that I understand the underlying condition that's causing this melancholia."

Janeway told herself to remain calm. Throttling a hologram did no good, after all, and it wasn't a good idea to give the Doctor any more ideas about her mental state. "There is no underlying condition. We've been stuck out here for 5 years, under constant stress, and it's getting to me. I just need something to help me function a little better, help restore my equilibrium."

The Doctor brushed her words away as he continued to wave the diagnostic wand over her. "For starters, you could try eating a balanced meal once in a while. Cut back on your caffeine intake, and see if that helps take care of your insomnia."

"Doctor--"

"And," the EMH continued as if there had been no interruption, "I think some regular physical activity would help as well"

"I do get physical activity," Janeway protested. "I've been playing Velocity with Seven."

"Hardly a stress free activity," the Doctor countered. "But I suppose it's better than nothing."

She waited patiently, or at least tried to. Finally, "Doctor!"

"Yes, yes, Captain. All right, everything seems to be in order. Brain activity within normal parameters, no signs of injuries, although some of your neurotransmitter levels are a bit low."

"So give me a hypo and I'll be on my way." Janeway sat up on the diagnostic bed, ready to hit the floor and be out the door in one motion.

"It is preferable, Captain, to avoid drugs whenever possible. The brain's chemistry is a subtle one and it is often best not to interfere with it unless necessary."

"What are you saying, Doctor?" Careful, don't let him know just how necessary this is! "Drugs of this sort have been around for--"

"Four hundred years and we've come a long way since Prozac," the Doctor finished for her. "I didn't mean to imply that the drugs are dangerous. I think that in your case, with a mild clinical depression, what was known as the 'talking cure' would be just as helpful, if not more so."

"In case it has slipped your notice, Doctor, we have no counselor on board." Her irritation was starting to show.

"Commander Chakotay--"

"No!" She forced herself to lower her voice. "I understand that the Commander is a competent counselor, but I really don't think that would be advisable"

"Humph. All right, Captain." She shot him a suspicious glance but at least she wasn't going to have to argue any longer. She heard the hiss of the hypospray and felt a warm coolness extend outward from her neck.

As Janeway straightened her jacket and proceeded to head for the exit, the doors to Sickbay opened. "And remember, Captain, you need to come in once a month for additional boosters." She had turned to acknowledge the Doctor and then saw Chakotay standing there. She nodded curtly at them both.

Chakotay watched the retreating form of the Captain and then turned to the EMH. "Why was the captain here?"

"And good afternoon to you, too, Commander. Surely you don't need to be reminded that medical files are confidential?" the Doctor retorted.

"I realize that," Chakotay said patiently, "all I'm asking is if there is some reason the captain needed medical attention at this time. As the first officer, it is my duty to make sure--"

"Yes, Mr. Chakotay, I realize that and I would like to assure you that there is nothing about the Captain's condition that you need to concern yourself with. Now, what can I do for you?"

"Fertility-block booster. It's that time of the month again, I believe." Chakotay smiled, but he was still wondering about the circumstances that had brought Janeway to Sickbay. He knew she normally avoided the place like the plague, and as far as returning monthly. . .

A sudden thought occurred. Was she there for the same reason he was? It was a staggering idea. Janeway hadn't been involved in any relationships since their voyage began. And I ought to know that better that anyone, he mused to himself.

The Mess Hall was relatively quiet.

Harry Kim burst in and went immediately over to the table where Torres and Paris were having a late dinner. "What's this I hear, Tom, about the betting pool being dismantled?"

"What? I didn't hear that. You finally got yourself busted?" Torres looked over at him in shock.

"No, I wasn't 'busted', and it's not the whole betting pool," Paris countered, "Just the one about Janeway and Chakotay. You know, the one about when they'd ever. . ." his voice trailed off.

"But why?"

"Oh, come on, Harry," the pilot answered. "They don't even speak to each other anymore. And Chakotay has been seeing that cute little blond from Engineering--"

"Security," interjected Torres. "He hasn't gone out with anyone from Engineering since the Void and he's been with Marlowe for at least a month now."

"Whatever." Paris was dismissive. "They all look the same, petite with long light colored hair. The point is, the Commander has been very busy elsewhere and it just doesn't look like anything is in the cards for him and the captain."

"You never know, Tom, they could still get together."

"Still convinced you were going to get all those replicator rations, Harry?" The table erupted in laughter and Kim smiled good naturedly as well.

When it was quiet again, Kim said, "They were so right for each other, I really thought that eventually it was going to happen." Torres patted his shoulder sympathetically.

Life went on. Janeway had cause to be grateful for the Doctor's treatments, as she felt stronger and better able to cope. No more wallowing in self pity, she told herself. Take constructive action.

She needed something to occupy herself outside of work. She still tended to avoid the holodecks. Her most recent foray had been disappointing, to put it mildly. Janeway had always chosen programs that were more or less for general consumption, and was annoyed with herself for trying out one of the more "adult" entertainments that were available. She knew what she felt was not embarrassment. It had been good while it lasted and she'd enjoyed it, but it had been. . . empty. Her celibacy of the last 5 years hadn't been as hard to bear as the lack of emotional contact. She didn't yearn for simply a warm body in bed with her, but for someone to ease the aching loneliness in her heart.

Captain's personal log: I've decided to embark on a research project in my spare time. I do have a doctorate degree in quantum cosmology after all. Time to put it to good use.

To her surprise, she found the research enormously satisfying. It helped to keep her mind occupied, gave her something to be interested in, and there was the added benefit of knowing she was doing something that could be ultimately useful for her crew and getting them home. The necessity of keeping Voyager running and properly maintained was taking a toll on the science personnel, and pure research had been lacking.

Chakotay sat alone at a corner table in the Mess Hall. If he was honest with himself, he wasn't really upset that he'd been stood up. He sighed. Another unsatisfying relationship coming to an end. He continued his solitary meal, not in the mood to join another group.

He saw Janeway enter the room and proceed to fill up a tray. She stood hesitating for a moment and then went over to an unoccupied table. She produced a data padd and soon appeared absorbed in her reading. For some reason he got the impression that she was still hiding, as much as she had done during their time in the Void.

An air of excitement was sweeping the ship. Excitement, and optimism as well. From the first time Torres, Kim and Seven had presented their modifications for the slipstream drive, Janeway began to allow herself to believe. It might really happen this time. They were going to finally make it home.

The night before the launch, a party atmosphere prevailed throughout much of the ship, centering in Engineering. While last-minute tests were going on, synthahol was passed around, confetti thrown. Highly unprofessional, the total antithesis of Starfleet regulations, but if this worked it wasn't going to be by the book prescriptions which had gotten them this far. Janeway watched with deep satisfaction as a grinning B'Elanna Torres ceremoniously carried a bottle of champagne and smashed it against the rail surrounding the warp core to a chorus of resounding cheers.

She looked around for her other officers. Tuvok was studying a bottle that was the twin of the one the chief engineer had just dispatched, probably trying to make sure that no one had sneaked some real alcohol into the festivities. Synthahol was bad enough, but at least you could sober up from it in a hurry. Janeway almost contradicted that thought upon noticing Seven and her reaction to the drink.

"Looks like our Borg is having trouble holding her liquor," she heard Kim say.

She saw Chakotay standing next to him and impulsively went over. "Have any plans for dinner this evening, Commander?" She was immediately shocked by her own forwardness. Where had that come from? Maybe the synthahol was spiked.

"Just a date with the replicator," he answered, as relaxed as she was.

"Belay that. Dinner in my quarters."

Later, she wasn't even sure what she had had in mind. A "look at how far we've come" retrospective, reminiscences about the early years, discuss plans for the Alpha Quadrant? Maybe, if her courage would hold, a discussion about them personally. Until Paris presented his theory that the slipstream drive was doomed to failure.

Janeway didn't want to let go of the euphoria, didn't want to believe that it wasn't going to happen the way they'd all planned. Damn it, we deserve this! And it wasn't just her. Kim was eager to show that it would work after all, that they could make it work.

The captain and commander spent the entire evening in her quarters, surrounded by an elegant dinner, candlelight and romantic music, discussing the merits of the slipstream and whether or not to attempt it. Any personal discussion, even if they had been so inclined, was out of the question.

The present:

Janeway got up from her desk in the Ready Room and refilled her coffee cup. She was glad that Chakotay has suggested shore leave for the crew; nerves were still frayed since their latest hopes of getting home had been dashed.

For the fiftieth time, she silently thanked God that at least they were all still alive to be disappointed. The end of the slipstream experiment could easily have been the complete destruction of Voyager. She tried not to dwell on the might-have-beens, and also tried to release the anger she felt towards herself. Just what were you thinking, asking him to dinner? Even if you were to get home in the next few days, it wouldn't change anything as far as you and Chakotay are concerned. He has moved on.

She glanced at the rotations, wanting to make sure that Torres and Paris would have time off together. They had each been undergoing a particularly stressful time recently. Those two needed each other now, but of course, Chakotay knew that. She nodded when she saw their names together. And tried not to think about who Chakotay would be spending his leave with.

"Report," Janeway said, striding onto the bridge.

"We picked up a distress signal, Captain. Point of origin is a disabled freighter 0.5 light years away," Kim answered from Ops.

"Onscreen." The captain looked with interest at the unfamiliar ship, noting it was heavily damaged. "Lifesigns?"

"Yes, but very weak."

"Open a channel." Janeway stood up. "This is--"

"Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager," finished an elderly humanoid. There was a large gash, dripping orange liquid, on the side of his face.

"Have we met?" Janeway asked.

The alien smiled, despite the pain he must have been in. "I am Kir, of the Benari. My people are telepaths. We don't mean to be intrusive, but your thoughts are readily apparent to us."

"How can we be of assistance, Mr. Kir?"

"As your sensors undoubtedly show, our ship has sustained considerable damage. We took heavy fire from the Devore, and our life support and other systems are compromised."

"Who are the Devore?" Chakotay asked. "Are you at war with them?"

"The Devore Imperium occupies this region of space. They hunt down telepaths, interning them in detention centers where they eventually die. They left us crippled, believing we would die without any outside intervention. Please, captain, can you help us?"

Captain's log: Our encounter with the Benari refugees has turned out to be very fortuitous. Without their warnings, any of Voyager's crew who are telepaths would have been seized and possibly the ship itself impounded. We cannot go around the Devore Imperium; it would add too much time to our journey. We are going to have to go through their space, and deal with regular inspections to assure them that we are harboring no telepathic beings. We are confident that we will have enough warning to be able to hide our people in the transporter buffer. We will be taking the Benari as well, delivering them to a transport ship, which will bring them to a wormhole where they can escape Devore territory. This wormhole may also prove valuable to us in our journey. For security precautions, all log entries dealing with sensitive subject matter will be stored in the buffer pattern as well.

"I don't trust him." Voyager's command team was in the Ready Room, discussing Inspector Kashyk's surprising request for asylum.

"I don't trust him, either, Commander, and I certainly don't like him, but we don't have any choice in the matter." Janeway swung around to face her first officer. "He knows about the Benari refugees, and he knows about the wormhole. He could have turned us in any number of times in the past few weeks, but didn't. We're going to have to play along with him, and watch him very carefully."

"I'm glad we're agreed on this, Captain."

First Officer's log: As much as I hate to say this, so far Kashyk seems to be a man of his word. He has been genuinely helpful in our attempts to locate the wormhole. He and Captain Janeway have been spending a lot of time together attempting to find an accurate method of predicting its next appearance. The captain has obviously been able to overcome her initial dislike of the man, and they seem to be working well together.

Chakotay abruptly ended his log entry. There was something about Kashyk that disturbed him. Of course, he thought to himself, this is the man who was responsible for stopping them repeatedly, ordering a complete shakedown of their vessel, prying into every corner of the ship. The man who threatened the safety of their crew and passengers. Janeway knew all of this and she wouldn't let her guard down. Or would she?

He had seen them working late at night, jackets off, sipping numerous cups of coffee, engaged in animated discussion. Chakotay was an expert on working round the clock with an indefatigable Kathryn Janeway. He knew the husky drawl of her voice, the look of interest and amusement in her eyes, her encouraging squeezes and touches. He knew how tenacious she was, and her look of triumph when she found what she was seeking. And he knew what a strong pull she exerted on those around her.

Ensign Ayala was at the center of a large group of crewmen gathered in the Mess Hall. The security officer couldn't remember the last time he had had so many people's undivided attention. He was recounting the interaction he'd witnessed between the captain and the Devoran Inspector, outside of Kashyk's quarters.

"And you should have seen the look he gave her when he invited her inside!"

"More than the way he's been ogling her since he first showed up?"

"Did she take him up on his offer?"

Ayala shook his head, reluctant to dispel the sense of drama. "No, she seemed to pull herself up short, and gave me a quick glance. I wonder, though, just what would have happened if the security team hadn't been there."

Torres shuddered. "I can't believe Janeway would fall for such a creep."

"Oh, come on, B'Elanna," Paris said reasonably. "He's tall, dark and handsome, looks good in black leather," here the half-Klingon snorted most derisively, "And he's got the romantic aura of a defector. Janeway's only human---you think she doesn't notice things like that?"

"Sorry, Tom, I don't buy that. Janeway isn't some silly romantic girl. She wouldn't let her feelings get in the way of a mission, especially when we still don't know whose side this man is really on."

"You may be right," Tom conceded, "After all, she never let anything happen with Cha---" All conversation abruptly ceased as they noticed the first officer standing there.

"Don't you people have duty stations to get to?" They quickly scattered, except for Ayala who looked extremely uncomfortable.

"Sir, I didn't mean---"

"Listen, Ensign, I don't think you need me to remind you that whatever happens while you are on a security detail is privileged information and is not to end up as grist for the latest rumor mill. Perhaps Lt. Commander Tuvok needs to reinforce this lesson as part of a security training refresher course."

"No, sir. Yes, sir."

Chakotay threw another scathing glance at the security officer before walking away. He picked up a cup of herbal tea, and sat down to drink it slowly.

He felt very unsettled. He was annoyed at the gossip he'd overheard. Janeway would be furious if she knew; she would feel it demeaned her position. She had always striven to remain like Caesar's wife, above suspicion.

He refused to acknowledge that he might be upset for a very different reason.

It was crunch time. They'd inadvertently tipped off an alarm beacon, and several Devore ships were on their way. Voyager couldn't outrun them. As much as Janeway disliked it, the only solution was to send Kashyk off in his own ship, so he could take charge of the coming inspection, and help them escape.

Janeway accompanied Kashyk to the docking bay, trailed by the ever-present security officers. Unbeknown to them, there was someone else following them as well. Chakotay couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong, and that he needed to be there.

He saw them, just before Kashyk got into his ship and the bay depressurized. He saw Kashyk reach over to Janeway, kiss her, and then saw her arms reach up, and pull him back to her. He saw the second, much longer embrace, and then the look of loss and sadness on his captain's face.

Tuvok had insisted on remaining at his station for the inspection. "Inspector Kashyk is aware of my presence on this vessel. If he remains true to his word, I will be unharmed. If the Inspector is engaged in subterfuge, my safety will be compromised along with everyone else's. You need your best officer at Tactical, Captain."

Chakotay fought to keep his voice from betraying any of the strain they were all feeling, "Devore inspection teams boarding on decks 15, 12, 8, 4 and--"

"And one," Janeway said quickly, getting to her feet and heading immediately for her Ready Room. She seemed eager, or was that only tension in her voice?

Chakotay was still staring at the closed door to the ready room when it opened and armed Devoran soldiers emerged.

"Stand away from your stations, all of you. Don't touch that console, yes, you, get up, now come this way." They were being forcibly removed from the bridge. Sinister looking weapons were trained on them as they were marched towards the cargo bays.

"That dirty, double crossing---" Paris never got to finish his statement, as he was clubbed unceremoniously by the nearest soldier.

In all of Chakotay's mind there was room for only one thought. "Now that he's betrayed her, what's going to happen to Kathryn?"

Captain's log: Our contingency plan proved successful and the Benari refugees made it safely to the wormhole. The Devore declined to take us into custody, perhaps deciding to cover up these events in order to prevent reprisals from their superiors. Voyager is safe, although once again we've lost a couple of shuttlecraft, and we have resumed our course to the Alpha Quadrant.

"Enter."

Chakotay stepped into her quarters. "Am I disturbing you, Captain?"

Janeway shook her head and patted the couch next to her. "Not at all, Commander. Please have a seat." She watched him sit down and then said, "I was just thinking over the events of the day."

"I'm sorry Kashyk's defection turned out not to be genuine."

She gave him a quizzical look. "Really? I got the distinct impression that you never really trusted him."

"I didn't. But you did, and for your sake, I'm sorry."

It was quiet for a few moments before she answered, so softly he wasn't sure he'd heard correctly, "I'm not."

It was his turn to look at her in surprise. "Care to explain?"

She rose and walked over to the viewport. The faint starlight reflected on her face, giving her a look he couldn't quite define.

"I'm not sure I'm unhappy with the way things worked out. We made it out of Devore space safely. And as far as Kashyk is concerned, perhaps it's for the best." She chuckled. "After Seven, I'm not so eager to adopt strays and integrate them into the crew as much as I used to."

He refused to let it get lost as a joke. "I was referring to your personal feelings for him." Again there was a pause, and he wondered if he'd overstepped a line. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

"No, Chakotay, let me tell you about my feelings for Kashyk." She moved away from the port but remained standing, speaking to her own folded arms. "He was challenging, handsome and exciting. I had the chance to match wits with him, each of us trying to outsmart the other, gain the upper hand. They say that all's fair in love and war, and I used every trick I had, every advantage I had over him. I enjoyed my sparring with him, and I don't regret anything that I did or said. But there was never any question of my falling for him."

She looked at him then, with a small smile playing around her mouth. "Don't look so shocked, Chakotay. I heard the stories, that I was 'sleeping with the enemy'. And I used that belief against Kashyk, that I just wouldn't suspect him because I was in--because I cared for him. But I was in control at all times."

He thought again of the incident with Riley Frazier and contrasted his own less than stellar behavior. "No, you wouldn't allow any personal feelings to interfere with the matter at hand."

She was suddenly angry. "Is that what you think of me, that I don't have any feelings, that I'm so cold-blooded I could never allow myself to fall in love?"

He was confused. "Isn't that what you were just saying now, about Kashyk?"

"To hell with Kashyk, Chakotay! I was talking about you, about us!" She stopped abruptly and turned away. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that. I shouldn't have--"

"Shouldn't have told me that it wasn't Kashyk you cared about, but me?" She nodded. "Damn it, Kathryn, I have been tearing myself up inside thinking about the two of you. I saw him kiss you, and all I could think of was how he had something I never had, that you had never given me."

He had moved closer to her during the last speech, until their faces were only inches apart. "I thought you had given up on me, moved on," she whispered.

"I tried, God knows I tried, Kathryn. But I couldn't. Something was always missing, something was always pulling me back to you." His arms were around her now.

"I can't promise anything, Chakotay, I can't tell you I'm ready for a relationship." Her head lowered, her breath caught with what was almost a sob. "I don't know if I can. Sometimes I feel so--oh, Chakotay, please don't walk away from me again, don't think I'm trying to push you away."

"I'm sorry I said that to you, Kathryn," he said softly, turning her face to his. "And I'm sorry if I've hurt you."

"I never meant to turn you away. I wanted you, but I was so very afraid--" her voice faltered.

He smiled and said a bit teasingly, "Captain Janeway, afraid? Never. She's the bravest, and strongest, person I know."

"I'm not the captain all of the time, Chakotay. I tried to be, thinking that if I was, nothing could ever touch me." She swallowed. "Every relationship I've had has ended painfully. My first fiancé's death, Mark's marriage--I've been hurt so many times before. I swore I wasn't going to put myself through that again, that I didn't need anyone. But I was wrong. Even the captain isn't immune to loneliness." She leaned her head against his chest and he felt the wetness of tears.

He held her tenderly, surprised at how vulnerable she really was. As well as he thought he knew her, he hadn't suspected this. It all made sense now, her avoidance of a relationship with him. It hadn't been protocol which kept them apart, but her fears of being hurt. And the irony of it all was that she had cut herself off from all support and ended up hurting even more.

"Don't be afraid of me or of your feelings. You're not alone, Kathryn. You never really were, but you just couldn't see that."

Slowly, he felt the tension leave her. She reached up to his face and gently traced the outlines of his tattoo, and stroked down the side of his face.

He caught her fingers in his own, brought them to his lips. They exchanged a long look and then he lowered his mouth to hers. Their kiss was very long and very sweet and conveyed the depth of feeling they had for each other.

"I promise I'll never leave you, Kathryn."

"You can't promise that, Chakotay. Life in the Delta Quadrant is too uncertain, and dangerous."

"But I can promise to always be with you, in body for as long as I can, and in spirit till the end of time."

"I'll hold you to that."

"Always."

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