Hi colored hair here and this is the news. I was hangin out with some real punk rockers this past new years eve. They were really punk man. I was drinking Vodka straight all night and they said "Man THATS NOT REALLY PUNK."
So i looked at what they were drinking , well Lester was drinking liquid drano and chasing it with gasoline. I was like man that is SOOOO punk. He said yeah man. Chaz was wacking off the entire night and broke his old record of 77 times in one night. There mom was walking around naked the whole time and there dad was walking around with a little dog biting down on his testies all night. Well when the clock struck 12 we all got in a circle and gave a big group hug and sang songs and stuff man it was really wild. I never had so much fun in my life. Well i guess im writing this column to say "Thank you, punk, rock i really love to be punk man i love you i really do man i love to be punk and be mad and bad and stuff all the time.
It is now December 8 1999 and here is your news. A young mexican male from Newark is on the loose today. He escaped from a lab and is extremely horny. Our only leads are that this crazed horniac plays bass for a band called The American Standard. He clames he has only one mission and that is to get laid on New Years! So if any hot chickies want to hump this man I say! "Do it, do it, do it 'till your satisfied! (What ever it is)". Well thats all for today. I'm news reporter Kevin Poop and thats your news for today and don't forget to have sex with Kevin...uh I mean that guy I talked about. Oh my god GWAR has a new album out!
Its November 28 1999 and here is your News. Ok lets get a little serious on this one. This is about you kids from Newark. I love the fact that you go to our shows and show support for us but one thing I hate is to see a dead crowd. I know we're not the best band in the world but you guys just need to get into it more and jump around. I was just at a Lancaster show and all you see was kids flying all over the place. It was awesome. So all I ask is if you guys to make like Lancaster and tear the place apart! Thanks.-Kevo Poopo
Hey its news time again. Its November 22, 1999! Well heres yur news. Yesterday this guy offered me a ride in his car so I got in. We drove to California and he dropped me off. I wondered around and ended up in like 8 movies and now I'm a movie star. Well an hour later my career was over because I'm mexican and nobody liked me. So I went to Vegas and blew all my money and I walked back to Newark. I got home at 9 pm last night. Thats it. Today something cool happend also. I missed my ride to school so I rode my bike. I rode all the way into my class room and my brakes didn't work so I crashed into the chalkboard. It fell on the teacher and killed her. I then taught the class quantum physics and they are all as smart as monkeys. So the moral of the story is don't take rides from strangers and don't ride your bike to school. ~Fin~ Thats your news I'm Kevin Poop and your not.
Here is your damn news. Its November 9, 1999 and you suck. You know what I hate? I hate stupid skanks at school who makeout in front of like 500 people and think its fucking cool. Well its fucking gross you guys are sick. You know what else sucks Pat Cost's dog doesn't have a butt problem any more so he doesn't poop all over the floor. Pat's mom used to clean it up and be pissed and stuff. Well we had this plan to poop on his floor and blame it on the dog and make his mom clean it up. Damn it! The only thing thats cool anymore is out of school suspension. I sat around all day long and played video games. I'm Kevin Poop and fuck off thats your news!
Man I haven't put up any news in a while...Oh well who gives a fuck. Its October 18, 1999 and heres your news for today. I'm sick. I feel like shit and I'm not at school. Ok enough about me here is some real news. We played a battle of the bands and we won $100 bucks. So we put it towards the cost of recording. Record is what we did. On friday we recorded some stuff. We didn't get a whole lot done because we kept fighting. Not a lot of cool stuff has happened recently. Well when we get our CD done I'll post it. If you think we are worth it I'll tell you how to get a hold of it but until then don't let your cheese melt. I'm Kevin Poop and thats your news for today.
Hey kids its Thursday September 23, 1999 heres your news for today. We need some where to play a concert. We want to have a concert soon...No wait now! The other day Taylor got broke when he through a bottle at sign. Justin was driving and he threw it and glass flew all over him. It cut his hand and it was cool. I need a job because I'm a bum. I don't have any money. Thats about it for news. I'm Kevin Poop and thats news for today!
Ok its Wednesday September 08, 1999 and here is your news. Taylor likes to break bottles. He wants to stock up on bottles and break them. Matt got yelled at by Mr. Lynch for driving in reverse through the parking lot. It was pretty cool. My little brother Ethan came to school today. He said it made him want to sniff gas. Also about a half hour ago I farted really loud and it was funny. I like to fart. Pat Cost is a scrotum sandwich with cheese and mustard. I'm Kevin Poop and that's your news for today!