This bit of hilarity was created by Cleolinda Jones. Check out her other website too.
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HARRY: *plays with his wand in the middle of the night*
MR. DURSLEY: Stop playing with your wand in the middle of the night, boy!
HARRY: *won’t stop playing with his wand in the middle of the night*
CLEO: Uh…
THE LOVELY EMILY: Dude, I KNOW.
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AUNT MARGE: Carry my luggage, boy!
HARRY: …
AUNT MARGE: Clean my plate, boy!
HARRY: …
AUNT MARGE: Come back and listen to my insults, boy!
HARRY: …
AUNT MARGE: Your mother was a bitch!
AUNT MARGE’S GLASS: *explodes*
MR. DURSLEY: Oh, shit.
AUNT MARGE: …and your father was a drunk!
HARRY: I KEEL YOU!
AUNT MARGE: *spontaneously Violet Beauregards and floats away into the sky*
DUDLEY: *drools*
Five minutes later, Harry stomps down with his trunk packed.
MR. DURSLEY: YOU DEFLATE YOUR AUNT RIGHT NOW!
HARRY: FUCK ALL Y’ALL AND THIS POPSICLE STAND!
AUNT MARGE IN THE DISTANCE: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
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Harry storms off into the night dragging his trunk, apparently having left his owl to the Dursleys’ tender mercies.
HP FANS: OMGWTFHEDWIG!
SOME DARK AND SCARY SWING SET: *swings*
SOME DARK AND SCARY SEESAW: *saws*
SOME SCARY BLACK DOG: Rrrrrr! Black dog, I’m a BLACK dog!
HARRY: Okay, maybe I didn’t think this all the way through.
The Knight Bus arrives, which is for some reason piloted by a legally blind man and a shrunken head. ON CRACK. Stan Shunpike heaves Harry’s trunk on board.
STAN: This ’ere newspaper says—
KNIGHT BUS: ZOOM!
STAN: —that Sirius Black is a psycho killer escaped from—
KNIGHT BUS: VEER!
STAN: —Azkaban, the terrible prison for wizards, and is dangerous and—
KNIGHT BUS: DEATH-DEFY!
STAN: —on the loose and one of You-Know-Who’s most faithful supporters and probably out looking for a boy wizard to kill!
HARRY [peeling his face off the window]: You done with the trip to the Department of Back Story?
STAN: Yeah, I think so. NEXT STOP LEAKY CAULDRON!
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CORNELIUS FUDGE: *has a Ministry of Magic office in the middle of a tavern for some reason*
HARRY: Hedwig! You made it!
HEDWIG: Love you too, bitch.
FUDGE: So! Harry! Bit of illegal magic there that we usually expel students for! No worries, all cleaned up, be on your way now!
HUNCHBACK: Mr. Potter! Saaanctuaaary!
HARRY: Y'all. Are such. Freaks.
HUNCHBACK: ONE OF US! ONE OF US!
HARRY: *runs*
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Fudge has helpfully bought all of Harry's new school books.
THE MONSTER BOOK OF MONSTERS: *eats Harry’s face*
HARRY: I shall stomp on you and tie you up and name you Fizgig.
THE MONSTER BOOK OF MONSTERS: AHahAHahAHahAH!
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RON AND HERMIONE: *bicker bicker Scabbers plot point bicker*
WANTED POSTER: RAAAA! LOOK AT ME! I’M SO CRAZY! I’M CRAZY GARY OLDMAN!
MR. WEASLEY: Harry, there’s something I’m not supposed to tell you that I’ve gotta tell you.
HARRY: Okay, shoot.
MR. WEASLEY: Sirius Black is specifically coming to kill you. Promise me that whatever terrible and infuriating things anyone says, you won’t go after him.
HARRY: Should I ask follow-up questions about this?
MR. WEASLEY: Not unless you want to get down to the bottom of the mystery in the first fifteen minutes of the movie.
HARRY: Oh, okay.
WANTED POSTER: SO CRAZY!
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MRS. WEASLEY [with Scabbers]: OMG RON! DON’T FORGET YOUR PLOT POINT!
HARRY: Guys, I have something really freaky to tell you! Shall we sit in the train car with the drunk sleeping under a coat?
HERMIONE: Sure, might as well.
HARRY: Rock. So, Sirius Black is coming to kill me and stuff.
WINDOW: *frosts over*
DRUNK’S BOTTLE: *freezes*
RON: OMG we’re going into a new ice age! Everybody start burning books!
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. SCARY SHRIVELED HAND: *pulls open door*
DEMENTOR: SHIIIIIRE…. BAAAAAGGINS….
KIDS: AHHHHHHH!
DEMENTOR: *dements*
HARRY: *pitches a spaz*
RON AND HERMIONE: Help! Somebody help!
DRUNK: …
RON AND HERMIONE: SOMEBODY HELP, GODDAMMIT! GO DEMENT THE DRUNK OR SOMETHING!
DRUNK LUPIN [leaping up]: I am no drunk! I am your pitifully mysterious new professor who takes his sweet-ass time coming to the aid of his new students! BACK, YOU DEVIL!
DEMENTOR: *flees*
LUPIN: Here, eat this chocolate.
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GROOVY NEW DUMBLEDORE: Many thanks to the Richard Harris Memorial Toad Choir for that lovely performance. Greetings, salutations, and what up: I will be your new Dumbledore this year, which I’m sure will be fabulous despite the presence of a few hundred undernourished ringwraiths on the premises. Hagrid will be taking over the Care of Magical Creatures class despite having no teaching credentials whatsoever, and also, we have a new teacher, Professor Lupin, to fill our cursed Defense of the Dark Arts spot. Good luck making it through the year alive, Remus!
SNAPE: *gives Lupin the stink-eye*
LUPIN: Oh, I feel at home already.
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The boys eat candy, roar like wild animals, and have a pillow fight.
DEMENTOR FLOATING AROUND HOGWARTS: I think I saw a porno like this once.
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TRELAWNEY: Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! There is totally a big scary black dog following you!
HARRY: You get paid for this?
RON: Hermione! When’d you get here?
HERMIONE: Pshhhh, I was here the whole time. Also, this class sucks. Which I know, because I was here the whole time. My Ancient Runes class is a lot better.
RON: Wait a minute… aren’t Runes and Divination at the same time?
HERMIONE: …Yes.
RON: So how are you taking two classes at once?
HERMIONE: I’m not, stupid.
RON: Except… for the part… where you totally are…?
HERMIONE: …
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RON: Wow, Hagrid’s hut is in a totally different location than it used to be.
HERMIONE: Seriously, what up with that?
RON: AHHHH! YOU! WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?
HAGRID: Since Harry has the most experience dealing with weird shit, he can go first. Bow to the nice horsybird, Harry.
BUCKBEAK: *snuffle squawk gnash snort RAAAA!*
HERMIONE: *grabs Ron’s hand*
RON/HERMIONE SHIPPERS: YAY!
RON AND HERMIONE: COOTIES! AHHHHH!
After flirting with feathery death for a few minutes, Harry wins the hippogriff’s respect and gets an impromptu flight around Hogwarts.
HARRY: WOOOOOOOOO!!!!
HALF THE AUDIENCE: He’s KING OF THE WOOOORLD!
CLEO: *eye roll*
HALF THE AUDIENCE: Okay, you think of a better joke.
CLEO: …
DRACO: OUTTA MY WAY, PLEBE, IT’S MY TURN ON THE HORSYBIRD!
BUCKBEAK: *administers a two-hoof beatdown*
DRACO: *cries for Daddy*
HAGRID: Lord. Tell Madam Pomfrey to pull out the smelling salts, I gotta bear Miss Malfoy here off to the fainting couch.
DRACO: Faster, plebe! I do believe I have the vapors!
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LUPIN: All right, dementors suck, and I still can’t figure out why they’re picking on teenage kids who don’t look anything like Crazy Gary Oldman, so we’re going to learn about boggarts and how to laugh at them. Line up!
MUSIC: *is madcap*
LUPIN: So, Neville, what are you afraid of?
NEVILLE: Everything?
LUPIN: Besides that?
NEVILLE: Professor Snape.
LUPIN: Snape it is then! Make your fears funny and therefore harmless!
NEVILLE: *changes Snape into Drag Queen Grandma Snape*
DRAG QUEEN GRANDMA SNAPE: RUNS in my STOCKINGS? FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!
RON: *changes giant spider into giant roller-skating spider*
PARVATI: *changes a snake into a GIANT SCARY CLOWN JACK-IN-THE BOX*
HARRY: Dude, you’re not helping.
LUPIN: Go on, Harry! I’m sure none of the things you’ve witnessed in your life would give the other students heart attacks at all!
HARRY: *conjures a dementor*
LUPIN: AHHH! CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL!
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Everyone else has gone to Hogsmeade. Harry can’t, because the Dursleys suck.
LUPIN: So I knew you’d conjure something terrifying, which is why I stopped you.
HARRY: Except that… you totally didn’t.
LUPIN: Whatever. My point is, I thought you’d choose Voldemort for your turn.
HARRY: Well, then, that makes letting me have a whack at the boggart really stupid, now, doesn’t it?
LUPIN: …
HARRY: …
LUPIN: Here, eat this chocolate. You know, you look a lot like your father. Except that you have J.K. Rowling’s eyes.
HARRY: Awww, thanks.
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THE FAT LADY: OMG MY PORTRAIT HAS BEEN SLASHED! DEFILED! THE SHAME!
MCGONAGALL: Sirius Black was trying to get to Harry Potter and kill him!
SCABBERS THE RAT: *looks away, whistling*
DUMBLEDORE: All right, everyone in the Great Hall for a sleepover!
FILCH: I think I saw a porno like this once.
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SNAPE: EVERYONE SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE GODDAMN HELL UP.
CLEO: Dude, this is so totally how I would teach a class.
HARRY: Where’s Professor Lupin?
SNAPE: MOONING AROUND somewhere, I’m sure. In other news, today’s lesson is on WEREWOLVES. Can anyone enlighten the audience on the difference between a WEREWOLF and an animagus?
HERMIONE: Yes! A werewolf can’t help changing into an animal and doesn’t remember who he is, while an animagus chooses to change and can control himself.
SNAPE: Correct. FIVE THOUSAND POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!
HERMIONE: I—but the—adda—wibba—
SNAPE: I want two rolls of parchment on WEREWOLVES by tomorrow, including what WEREWOLVES look like, how to detect WEREWOLVES in the faculty of a British boarding school for wizards, and the definition of the Latin word “lupus.” CLASS DISMISSED!
CLASS: *grumble grumble homework grumble*
DRACO (writing):
Mr. Harry Potter Draco Potter Draco Malfoy-Potter Mr. and Mr. Malfoy-Potter
DRACO/HARRY SHIPPERS: YAY!
DRACO: *crumples up paper, starts over, sends over Origami Crane of Pigtail-Pulling*
THE NOTE:
Dear Potter,
HA HA!
EVERYONE ELSE: *leaves*
SNAPE [shouting after them]: WEREWOLVES WEREWOLVES WEREWOLVES!
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THE RAIN: *is torrential*
HARRY’S GOGGLES: *are sporty*
OLIVER WOOD: *is not there*
HP FANS: *grumble grumble like to polish his Biggerstaff grumble*
Harry ends up chasing the Snitch up into the stratosphere, where the Dementors show up, start dementing, and sucking Harry’s face until he falls off his broom and plummets to earth in front of several hundred shrieking spectators.
DUMBLEDORE: THIS IS NOT GROOVY AT ALL!
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