"Little Elian"
Tell me again why this is so important and I must be given hourly updates?
Marching Bands
I hate marching bands! There are all of these people who have taken time out of their lives and possibly even payed to learn how to use various brass instruments and flutes and stuff (since when have I done any research?), only to end up all playing the same thing at the same time. What a mess! Not only does it have a distinct "fat bespectacled kid named Arnold" (I don't know what that means) kind of sound to it, it's not even playing the musical part of a song. No, these "bands" only ever seem to play the vocal part of a song, so now poor Arnold is stupid as well.
Toilet Paper With "Ripples"
I know what it's for. You don't need to disguise it's true usage with your "carefully selected language."
Malcolm in the Middle, Keeping the Faith, The Sopranos, Stewart Little on Video Cassette and DVD
Shut up!I don't care!
Academy Award Winner Tom Hanks, Rosie O'Donell, Matthew Broderick, Norm MacDonald
What did I just tell you?
Disney's Dinosaur? The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas?
No!!!
South Park
The latest craze from two years ago is a cardboard profanity festival on Comedy Central, the title of which I have already mentioned. My original reason for not liking it was how stupid looking it was, like a low budget Peanuts imitation, but then I realised that all of the pants sagging, hat reversing, rap loving white students at the school which I then attended would not shut up about it, even going as far as to insert their bad character impressions into their already baffling, mangled ebonics, speech.
I've heard other people in my house watching it, and it seems like it has just the kind of humour that I'd like, but I cannot stand the irritating characters, the voices, or the supposedly computer assisted graphics. And the profanity... someone should explain to the writers the difference between funny and nauseating, and also tell them that swearing is censored on that network, so that the effect is almost ruined.
What is this with Comedy Central and Swearing, Anyway?
South Park is not the only show guilty of this, their Daily Show (Whoopth! I forgot the "With Jon Stewart" part!) features censored dialog as well. Even Comedy Central's advertisements are doing this now, proving that it is indeed scripted. It's sort of like those E! specials that my father watches in which the camera zooms in on certain parts of nude women, despite the mandatory mosaic. Interesting note: The Jerry Springer show covers nude women with mosaic pixelation, but nude men with opaque black boxes. Hmmm...
The Late Show With David Letterman
I'm not publically endorsing Leno, but I can't say that the competition is much better. This "Official Late Night Talk Show of the Millenium" (whatever millenium that refers to) seems to be "kept alive," so to speak, only by the support of long-time fans of the show from back when it was FUNNY (and on NBC, but that's a different story altogether). This Letterman person comes in front of the audience, and rather than telling humourous jokes, will repeatedly recant the same story of the guy who made the mistake of speaking to him in public, and then turn to Paul Schaffer (however it's spelled) who will make a sound sounding somewhere between the exact same thing, a laugh, and a mule. This is repeated throughout the show. This show's continued success is not unlike the last season of Ellen, which was ultimately cancelled because Disney is evil and half an hour of timid gay jokes do not necessarily make for good television.
Professional Football
What the Hell? I hate football. Both kinds, but I'll focus on the American version. I don't necessarily like other sports either, in fact, I hate them too, but football annoys me especially, because of all of the stupid propaganda surrounding it. THE MAN'S GAME! It's retarded! A bunch of men carrying 8 pounds of protective layering, (even though in rugby, the game it is derived from, there is a noticeable lack of such equipment) apparently trying to transport an oddly shaped object (they call it a "ball") to one end of an arena to another. THAT'S IT! You'd think with a name like "football," there'd be a bit more kicking going on, but no, that's soccer. The people in every other country just have it backwards, right? And because I don't like it, I'm gay?! I'm not the person writhing about in a giant pile of other men, trying to grab the "pigskin," thank you.
Burger King Chicken Tenders
Chicken Tenders (or "King Nuggets," for you German people) are a product which I will no longer eat, for two reasons. One being that the Burger King people can't resist "reshaping" them for special promotions, such as "Rugrats" or "The Land Before Time," and that always sort of "freaks me out." I feel odd enough looking at them, let alone touching or even eating them. The other reason is that they tasted better about eight years ago, before Burger King changed the recipe and decreased the quantity in each box. They're still better than McDonald's Chicken Nuggets, because Chicken Tenders actually have chicken in them.
Speaking of McDonald's,
why do the people in their advertisements always refer to it as "Mickey D's?" I have never, I repeat never (though repetition is unnecessary, as you could just read the sentence again) have heard any real (as in realistic, I'm not implying that the actors McDonald's hires are genetic mutants manufactured from leftover "beef," "special" sauce and Happy Meal toys, no, I'm not...) people say "Mickey D's." Look at that. My parenthesis have ruined whatever point I was trying to make. It's almost unreadable now. Anyway, real people don't say "Mickey D's."
But Back to the Subject of Burger King...
Why did they get rid of the bagel sandwiches? I loved those, even if there were laws prohibiting their sale after 11:00 am (now the law requires that selling of "breakfast" products cease at 10:30 am). But no, just like the Chicken Tenders, the morons in management had to change everything. Now McDonald's is selling them, but it's not the same, mainly because McDonald's uses weird eggs and insists on putting mayonnaise on everything, unless you specifically ask for them not to, and even then you have to check it before driving away.
Cracked Magazine
Once referred to as a "dumbed down MAD" on the afore mentioned Daily Show, (I don't remember the rest of the joke, something about it being an intellectual "Crazy") the unfunny staple of one of those tabloid companies has somehow managed to stay in print since 1958 (how pathetic that I know that) and has the uncanny ability to make me look talented. I'll admit, I have read a few Crackeds in my day, otherwise I would not know the true extent of it's inferiority to other humour publications, such as People Magazine. Huh, huh, that People's some funny stuff! Huh, huh.
Nintendo 64
Not since Nintendo tried to pass off their differently coloured gameboys a few years ago (not "Gameboy Color," this was before then) as a new product has a video game system/device/thing annoyed me to such a degree. For a while I thought that Playstation games were unoriginal, but none could match that of what Nintendo tries to convince me is worth paying 70 dollars for. The first game was "Mario 64," as were 80% of the other games that Nintendo has released for it, they just have different graphics and more annoying themes. All of the other games are fighting and sports games. That's it. Mascot adventure, sports, and fighting. Wheee... fun. Interestingly enough, N64 and N*Sync bear similar pronunciations, as well as fanbases and levels of innovation. Coincidence? ...Or DANNON?!
TCI
Apparently, AT&T has completely absorbed TCI, because TCI no longer has a name, and instead the title "AT&T" is used in it's place. But in an "announcement" that played more like an insincere admittance of defeat, TCI claimed that they were "not changing everything," which means that TCI cable users will still be faced with random channel rearrangements and non-stop "offers" for free Digital Cable hookup, which is a bit like getting a free doorknob, except this doorknob is for a door that you have to pay to use each month, in addition to the monthly fee you already pay for the door's frame... alright, that's a really bad analogy, but if this is anything like what happened to "Prevue Channel," things can only get worse.
Comedy Central (Again)
Comedy Central has obtained the rights to show episodes of "Duckman." The question on everyone's mind is: "Why?!" This is a show that couldn't even survive on the USA network, so why would it have any more luck on a network whose main attraction are swearing paper cutouts? As opposed to USA, whose limited film library seems to consist solely of Gilbert Gottfried movies and the "Child's Play" series.
Unrealistic Computer Generated Insects
Why the sudden surge of popularity? It's spread from """comedy""" films designed specifically to insult my intelligence to insect killing sprays, and now it's even showing up in car advertisements! What the fruit is going on?! What unseen force persuades these idiotic imbeciles to innacurately render non-human creatures, and why the focus on insects?! At one point, perhaps not everyone knew that ants don't have bodies even remotely resembling those of humans, but at least they knew how many legs ants had! People just keep getting stupider...
Santana
Who is this guy? I think he was popular about 70 years ago or something. Yes. Back before colour was invented. He just appeared again like maybe a month ago, and now he wins eight grammy awards? This whole "grammy" saga is like a bad movie, the kind that Tom Hanks would appear in and win an Academy award for. That's how phony it all is. It's all scripted and pre-planned, but those tarts (yes, tarts) in Hollywood try to make it seem so important. I actually heard on one of those tabloid shows that announces the award "winners" before the whole frap-basting ceremony is broadcast, that someone was nominated for something concerning the Academy awards. What a SPAMeating joke!
This page's first incarnation took place on 1/26/00, with assistance from Roneldo, "so shut up, and leave me alone!"
Note from the editor: What?
