The Funniest Things I've Heard This Year
Below is just a very simple list, true to the title of the section: the funniest things I've heard this year. Well, it's not entirely true, I guess, if you wanna get specific. This also includes the funniest things I have read this year. Actually, that's not quite right either. This includes the funniest things I have heard this year, plus all the funniest unpublished things I've read this year. Most of the unpublished things in question came from chatrooms or message boards or some friends' websites or something like that. Anyway, I'll give credit to whoever said it if I know who they were. Some of these things might be stuff I just overheard in class and I am therefore unable to put a name to the quote. Whatever, you get the point. I always ramble on in these damn introductions. I've really got to learn to shut up.
The Funniest Things I've Heard This Year
Scenario: Sitting in the basement of my grandmother's house watcing my cousin, Jared, play the guitar. He's very good, by the way. Anyway, just for reference, Eruption is a frightening, fast, weird guitar solo by Van Halen. Download it and you'll make more sense out of this, probably.
Dialogue:
Me: I don't suppose you can play Eruption, can you?
Jared: No...I don't have to fart right now, thanks.
Speaker: Jared Greenan
Scenario: There's a bizarre message board called the Dark Side of the Monkey that I visit infrequently. Anyway, this is a small nonsensical quote that appeared at the top of the page one day.
Dialogue:
"So I guess what I'm trying to say is....intestinal bats."
Speaker: Someone who goes by the message board alias of ThunderDroid.
Scenario: ICQ conversation. Lindsey's been sick for awhile and steadily regains health just in time for school to start again after Christmas holidays. So, of course, I mention the unfortunate timing of the sickness being healed because she can't even justly miss school and showcase the positive sides of getting sick in the first place. Please note the capitalization.
Dialogue:
Lindsey: i do seem to be getting better, actually. i'll be all healed, just in time for school.
Me: Can't even capitalize on your sickness, huh? Bummer.
Lindsey: you should know by now that i never capitalize.
Speaker: Lindsey Wiebe.
Scenario: This one's a little more visual. Me and a few of my friends, Jonathan, Chris and Mitchell, were sitting in Taco Bell with our drinks having just a finished a hearty meal of the most unhealthy food on the planet. At this time, Mitchell appears to be examining the ice in the bottom of his cup.
Dialogue:
Mitchell: You know what's a good way to get ice out of the cup. You stick your tongue in there and wait for it to freeze to your tongue and then pull it out.
Me: Or you could just turn the cup upside down.
Mitchell: No, this is much easier.
He then proceeds to stick his face in the cup and struggle to reach the bottom with his tongue, spilling things everywhere and having extreme difficulty unsuccessfully trying to prove his theory. God it was funny.
Scenario: Telephone call with Lindsey, discussing Jimi Hendrix who at one point, played the guitar with his teeth. This dialogue is not verbatim, but produces the same result that I got out of it.
Dialogue:
Me: But..but..he played with his teeth.
Lindsey: Psh..that's nothing. I could play with Jimi Hendrix's teeth, too.
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