Once upon a time,
in a small town near the coast of central California.....
Jedadiah Snoid was a soft spoken man. The townsfolk often said that the Almighty had seen fit to dim the light of his wisdom, yet he was considered happy and generally harmless.
Then one overcast day in October Jedadiah akwardly ascended the pulpit in the town square.
"Now that I've had all the women, I'm going to have all the men!" he shouted.
But no one paid him any mind. So he shouted it again, but still got no response. After an hour of this continuous shouting the townsfolk got annoyed. They decended upon Jedadiah and pummeled him mercilessly, tied him up and confined him in the local constabulary.
Two days later some nice men came and took Jedadiah to the State Mental Institution at Camarillo. Within nine months an unusually large number of the women in town had given birth to mildly retarded children.
And that is where Jedadiah met Ima Hummer. She was a vision of loveliness sitting amongst the daffodills in the sunlit grounds of the well kept institution, her brown hair askew and her face only slightly dirty. They quickly fell in love, and all was good.
Soon they were blessed with a son, and they called him Irving, because Ima thought that Irving was one of the Apostles. And all was good. The next day some men came and took Irving away, never to be seen again.
So it came to pass that Irving was raised on the grounds of the institution. at the age of eighteen he was allowed to wander the grounds at will, and that is where he met Ima Hummer. She was a vision of loveliness sitting amongst the daffodills in the sunlit grounds of the well kept institution, her graying hair askew and her face only slightly dirty. They quickly fell in love, and all was good.
Soon they were blessed with a son, and they called him Donald, Because Ima thought Donald was one of the Ten Commandments. And all was good. The next day some men came and took Donald away, never to be seen again.
And so it came to pass that Donald was raised at the institution. Then one day Donald wandered off the grounds. And he kept wandering, and it became dark, and he was lost. Then off in the distance he saw a light, and he went to the light, and the light was a tavern. There Donald was given food and drink, and all was good. The drink made his head a little wobbly and the food tasted good as it had been some time since he had eaten, and he was hungry. Donald asked for another drink, and then another and another and another. While Donald was drinking one of the patrons suggested Donald buy everybody a drink. Donald did not understand the word buy, since he had no need for money in the institution, but he thought it would be a good idea if everybody felt as good as he did. Donald agreed that everybody should have a drink and libations were served throughout the tavern.
Shortly thereafter the innkeeper told Donald he needed to pay for the food and drink. Donald did not understand pay and the innkeeper explained in a rather nasty voice that he wanted money. Donald did not understand money and now the innkeeper was obviously irritated and somewhat angry. He made a very loud announcement that Donald had no money and all the patrons would have to pay for their drinks. There were low, mean sounding grumbles throughout the tavern, and Donald sensed that this was not good. Donald thought this would be a good time to leave, but when he got up and started toward the door several of the patrons blocked his way, glaring angerly at him. Donald turned and ran to the back of the tavern, through a door and found himself outside in the cool night air. Many of the patrons of the tavern were pursuing him and Donald knew this was not good, so he ran into the night. Close behind him Donald heard bottles breaking on the asphalt of the parking lot and one flew by only afew inches from his head. Donald ran long into the darkness until he was sure the angry patrons had given up the chase.
That night Donald laid down in a lima bean field behind the tavern in his bed of lima bean leaves, dirt and an old blanket he had found in the dumpster. As he slept in a drunken stupor a vision came to him. The vision said....
"Donald, thou shall go forth and prosper. Thou shall befriend all wayward souls that should cross your path so that they might have comfort in their time of need. This is the task that I bestoweth upon thee.""Yes, oh great vision," said Donald,"I will do these things you ask of me."And so it has been, and so it will always be.
Donald awoke the next day and the sun was shining. Donald thought about how wonderful this was for awhile. Shortly he realized he was hungry and bored. Donald ate some of the lima bean plants he had slept upon and this satisfied his hunger for the moment. He rolled up his blanket and began to walk, hoping he would not see any of the patrons from the tavern he was in the night before.
After a short walk Donald came to a machine. It was green and yellow and very impressive sitting there in the lima been field in the morning sun. Donald had seen the workers at the inststution run these machines before. He climbed upon the machine and soon the machine was moving. Donald had a grand old time driving the machine back and forth across the field for several hours. Then a man in a pick up truck drove up next to him. the man's truck had a bumper sticker on it that said...
IF YOU SAY SOMETHIMG BAD ABOUT FARMERS,
DON'T TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULLThe man said "You must be the new guy". Donald knew he was not very old, so he figured he must be fairly new, so he said "yes". Thye man said "I need you to make these rows straight". Donald thought that would look nice so he said "OK". Donald told the man how much fun he was having driving the machine and thanked the man for letting him drive it. The farmer looked at Donald kind of strange, grunted and got in his truck and drove off. Donald spent the rest of the day driving the tractor around the field, making the rows as straight as he could. Eventually it got dark and Donald was tired. He got off the machine, rolled out his blanket, and went to sleep.
To be continued.....
