Dear Dad;
I stopped by and you were gone. I found the Christmas present you bought for me so I opened it. Thank you for the shirt, it is very cool. Also thanks for the money I took and the gas I siphoned out of your truck. I'll return your Mastercard next week, or no later than New Years, anyway, I promise.
As I was leaving some homeless guy was walking by the house so I gave him the clothes you had in the dryer and your Visa card and told him it was from you with best wishes for the Holidays. Sorry about all the broken stuff and the mess in the kitchen, but I never was much of a cook. I gave all the food I didn't eat to your dog. He looked hungry. Please make a point to go shopping today so we can have some goodies to eat when I come over to watch football this weekend. I'll bring the beer and you can pay me back later.
I loaned your Caddy to this nice girl I met in Snookies. She promised she'll have it back by next Tuesday.
Please excuse the motorcycle tire marks on the bathroom floor. That will never happen again, I promise. By the way, the liquor cabinet is empty and you're out of beer again.
When the guy comes to get the stereo in the living room, don't worry about it. He's already paid me for it. I'll give you half, of course. Also, if there are any long distance charges on your phone bill it's not my fault.
When the cops came I told them you weren't here, so they said they'd be back later. There may be a warrant out for your arrest, but don't worry, I can post bail. I have your Mastercard.
Your loving son,
Johnny
P.S. -
Merry Christmas
