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Friday 16th March

Part 1 - The episode starts as Thursdays ended.  Joe di Marco has been run over and the action is cut.  Producer Colin Salmon, (played by Mel Smith,) is in conversation with his PA, (played by Sally Phillips. ) "So it has come to this," he says.  "Running over small infants."

At this point Sean Williamson approaches them with an interesting storyline idea for his character Barry.  "You know at the moment Barry and Natalie are on the rocks.  What I thought was, Barry gets together with Melanie.  Nothing serious, just a sexual thing.  Natalie finds out and forgives him, being aware of his huge sexual appetite and she suggests a threesome!" 

Colin asks his PA who shot Phil, but they don't know yet, so he decides to hold a storyboard conference to sort it out.  Barbara Windsor and Pam St Clement are hiding in the Square and overhear this and rush to tell the others.

At his flat, Colin receives a call asking about Beppe's new love interest.  "I'm still working on it," he explains as Jessie Wallace and Lucy Benjamin appear from under the covers.  "I'm exploring all possibilities."  Turning to the girls he says, "OK.  Party's over." and June Brown appears from the covers saying, "Oh I say.  What a quickie!"

The cast are now discussing how to find out who shot Phil Mitchell as the person would be guaranteed good publicity and a renewed contract.  They need to infiltrate the writer's meeting.

At the studio, Colin is about to meet with the writers, but Harry Enfield is waiting for him.  His a crazed fan desperate for a part on the soap.  The security guards ( Nick Hancock and Junior Simpson) are sent to remove him.  Colin is annoyed.  "Look, no more comics, models or pop stars using this show to re-launch their careers.  Next time, send them to Coronation Street.  Except Jerry Hall," He licks his lips. "Perhaps you could get me her home address."

They pass a room marked 'auditions' full of people wanting to replace Mike Reid.  They include Nicholas Parsons, Ted Rogers, Eddie Large and Roger De Coursey with Nookey Bear!

They also pass Elaine Lordan who is throwing herself at Michael Greco.  "I love Italian men," she says.

Harry Enfield also makes another attempt at grabbing Colin's attention by grabbing his leg.  "Listen here Enfield," Colin says. "There is more chance of Anneka Rice ringing me up naked from a phone box, begging me to talk dirty to her, than there is of you appearing in Eastenders!"

The cast are still trying to find ways of getting into the storyboard meeting.  Tony Caunter suggests climbing in through the window.  "Sonia can get on Pats shoulders and Peggy could climb on top"

"She likes that," sasy Derek Martin.  "So I've been told."

In the storyboard meeting, they are deciding who will have affairs by placing a pin randomly on paper.  "Jamie has an affair with .... Charlie Slater"

Colin has a great idea about who could have shot Phil, but is interupted by the phone ringing.  It is Anneka Rice, calling naked from a phone box.

"Right.  This is the big one.  In ten minutes we will know who shot Phil Mitchell."

 

Part 2 - The story writers are discussing ideas as to who could have shot Phil, when a step ladder appears at the window.  It is Harry Enfield again.

At another window, Peggy peers through, but only sees all the Frank Butsher wannabe's.  "Just a load of dirty old men," she says.

Back in the meeting, they suggest that Den could have shot Phil.  He was never really dead.  The corpse they found was someone who stole Den's wedding ring and false teeth.  Then Colin suggests his idea.  "Phil has a long lost sister and she hates him because Peggy kept Phil and had her adopted.  Her adoptive parents emigrate to Texas, wher she became a model and went on to marry an ageing rock star.  But she's back.  Tall, sexy, great legs, blonde, southern drawl." Colin is getting carried away - he has an obsession for Jerry.  "Just a thought!" he adds.

While he is saying all this, erek, Tony and Dean Gaffney have dressed up as waitresses to infiltrate the meeting.  One of them even pinches Dean's bum!

"I've got it!" yells Colin.  "I know who shot Phil Mitchell."  So they organise a press conference.  Barbara and Pam are there dressed as reporters whilst Derek, Tony, Tamzin outhwaite and Charlie Brooks are hidden amongst the plants.

Colin is about to reveal who shot Phil Mitchell when..... there is a knock on the door and Bang.  He gets shot himself.   The door opens, we see a gun then Harry Enfield.  "It wasn't me," he says.  "It was her." and we draw back to see Jerry Hall holding a smoking pistol.

"The guy was a creep," she explains.  "He kept hassling me!"

The End