Me's Journal
From another anonymous Me:
Thursday, December sixteenth, 1999
It is four-thirty p.m. So far all I've had is diet coca-cola - which, as I discovered this morning, consists of virtually nothing unhealthy. A few milligrams of sodium, which is tolerable. At five a.m., though, I did do something reckless - I allowed myself five bites of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food, which is seventy percent fat. I would have spat it back out into the toilet seat, but the oncoming day was far too flooded with revelations for me to actually binge. I have decided not to eat anything until six p.m. or sometime after. For my meal, I have a serving of microwaveable vegan chili, rice, and vegetarian cornbread with * grams of fat. It has *** calories, but I am dismissing that. I don't usually finish a meal that large, and even so, I still have to slowly ease myself down to a healthy calorie allowance. Dropping too rapidly will lead to binging and such, and I just discovered that purging only takes away eight percent of the calories you've consumed. (Of course, that doesn't keep me from doing it at four a.m.) Grocery shopping is a current necessity. I have to ask my mother to take me. Still searching for anchovy-free Caesar salad dressing, as I have decided to drop fish as a present to myself for my up-and-coming fourteenth birthday. For my birthday, though, I'm going to celebrate my last seafood-involved meal by going to Red Lobster with my friend, ****. It won't really be that difficult, as I don't eat much fish anyway.
I'm finding myself intensely contemplative today, anxious and uncertain as to what will happen. Lately people at school have intervened every attempt I've executed to lose weight and such. And tomorrow I have no choice but to drag myself in. I already missed two months with my hospitalization. If I don't get a doctor's note soon, they are going to expel me. My mother called my psychologist, but my psychologist is not allowed to write excuses. She will ask a doctor, and such… in any case, I may not be able to get a note, because the reason for a lot of my extra absences is not something I enjoy discussing with schoolmates and figures of authority. I think I will discuss it with my one teacher, ***, because she is very accepting about that. Perhaps she will be able to understand and we can work all of the legal stuff out. I hope. If I am expelled from the school I'm at now, I will not survive. Public school does not become me. I can tell that I'm stressed. When I speak (I'm talking to myself, which I haven't done in aeons), my voice trembles. I feel on the verge of tears. I don't have control. Which is why I'm allowing… well, for lack of a better euphemism… Ana to take over again (my apologies to the lovely WM).
Well… I should depart. Within the next few days, I'll try to give a recount of the beautifully explosive show I went to a week ago. My regards and appreciation to anyone who reads this. I hope I am successful at putting poetry into my words.
moody and isolated,
me
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