Me Entry/ies
Submitted on 12/23/99:
Today I watched a sky, thick with black, collapse into a chalky grey, then fade gradually into a marbled, pearl greyish colour. I saw the moon -- I watched it from the cemetery across the street that I have named as my property (at least in spirit), shimmering with a violent voodoo-rooted glow in the midst of thick darkness and a thin layer of cloud. What a way to go.
So I'm sitting here, grimy light staining the room, and Trent Reznor's voice slicing softly through my thoughts on occasion. My stomach is murmuring at me for food, but I don't feel hungry. There's a soft half-smile lifting my lips that I just can't explain. Certainly, I feel some level of nervousness, but it's nothing like the first time I went to meet him, this summer. That was an anxiety that had me on bruised knees in silent prayer, spitting a rancid river of fear into the toilet. The scent made me dizzy, made me hurt. But this time, not at all. A jittery sleepness, the early-blooming ache of missing my friends... but not that violent sickness inside me.
He has a big heart, Ziad, my biological father. I can't deny that he loves me. He's not a bad person, just this foreign thing, this unexplored part of my life. Strict, but caring. It's not like I forget his absence -- but I have that to thank him for, too. My grandfather filled that space with a warmth that will never leave my memories or my soul. I was given a father that no one else in the whole world had -- he was my father, yes, in my eyes and inside me. But Ziad. He's my father too, just a completely different kind. And I won't . . . be cold or unfeeling to him, because he tries.
So... now I'll let the aftertaste of this soulspew sink in, and leave you to your own devices. Do take care of yourselves -- especially WM. (you know who you are)
fondly,
me (or whoever you know me as)
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