Site hosted by Angelfire.com: Build your free website today!
The Virtual Nurse

Resident Story & Poems

Do to Client Confidentiality I cannot release anymore information than they allow me to.

My name is Gina, I am 24 years old. When I was 17 I was diagnosed as having BPD. Otherwise known as Borderline Personality Disorder. I didn't know what it was until I was 23 years old. That is when I ended up in a mental institute after trying to kill myself.

Now I am learning how to recognize my behaviors and how to control them. I used to think it was fun to do things to see what would happen. Now I know that when I do that I am playing games and that is not healthy. An example would be when I was 22 and I was getting ready to go into Job Corps and my family was showing me no support. They were mostly ignoring me and giving me the silent treatment. I had really long hair that fell down past my rearend. I had to lift it up literally to sit down. My family was always talking about how they would kill me if I ever cut my hair because they said that is was so beautful. So the day before my plane left I went and got my hair cut off to shoulder length. I was laughing to myself all the way home. My thoughts were" I got them this time now they will pay attention." I got a lot of attention alright but it wasn't the kind I wanted. My family was furious and all of them refused to even see me off at the airport the next day. I left for Job Corps alone and to make it worse I hated my new hair cut. But I hadn't thought about that when I did it, all I could think about was getting my families attention.

Something that I used to be proud of, but I am not anymore, is that I was always told that I am a master game player and manipulator. I thought it was somthing to be proud of until people started questioning my every word and every action. I used to think that if I sat in a corner all curled up with my sweatshirt pulled over my knees and my hair covering my face and be really quiet that either one of two things would happen. I would be forgotten and be able to fade into the woodwork or aomeone would come ask me what was wrong and then I wouldn't have to go to them and tell them that something was wrong and that I needed to talk to someone.

Other times when I was having a really rough day and needed to talk to someone, but was afraid to say so, I would write a negative goal on the board that I knew would grab everyones attention, for example, one time I made my goal for the day to not let anyone touch me and I kept that goal there on the board for a week. About all it did was annoy a lof of people who really cared about me and still do.

I am not totally cured from this illness but each day I try to watch my behaviors. I am still in treatment for this illness but have faith that I will get better and not have to go through teatment. Someday I will be able to manage it on my own and that is what I am learning now. I feel that the biggest and best tool is being aware of the behaviors. By asking other around me to point out when I am doing something that is not very healthy I am able to put a stop to it and get to the bottom of why I chose to do it. I am very thankfull for confrontation because without being confronted by others about my behavior I don't always see it.

There are other things though that give me an advantage with this illness though. I am very observant and I notice a lot. I am also sensitive to people needs and I have a lot of insight.

All and all I feel that I can honestly say that I am doing alright and I am on the right track, I know that I will still have some bad days where I might take a few steps backwards, but I hope that I can lean from them and go on. And if I had to choose a motto for my life right now I guess I would say, "A mistake isn't bad unless you don't learn from it".

Written by "Gina", diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder"

Thank you for visiting my page at Angelfire. Please come back and visit again!