Questions and Answers

Another new section doomed to failure?

that's right. It's the New ASK ZACK
What is ASK ZACK?

Questions can range from "What should I wear tomorrow?" to "Why are my feet so hideously large?" to "What happens when I pour bleach into a can of paint thinner?" to "Where should my next piercing be?" to "Is Mrs. Pacman any different from Pacman?" to "I have an anal problem, Zack, can you help?" to "Have you ever collected pieces of dust into a ball and glues it all together?" to "Isn't honey just bee barf?" to "Is it true that Mike has been the ringleadr of many crimes involving clowns?" to "Why can't I just stop hearing the voices?"

Got it? You can ask ANYTHING and Zack will GUARANTEE* an Answer! Just E-mail them to

Zack. It's been 2 weeks since I've made a poop.  My tummy feels likeit may expload and my pee-pee is brown colored.  what do I do -Jimmy?
Jimmy, Buy a plunger at your local hardware stole, stick it on your ass,and hope for the best.
  Zack, I really like this one guy a lot, and want to have sex with him. But he's Gay.  Uh, what do I do about it??? -Holly?
Dress up like a dude, get a pretty convincible strap on and go at it.
  Zack, Do I look fat to you? -Anne
A bit, but your do-able.
  Zack: Since when does Jello make pudding?  I don't think it should havethe name Jello on it if it is not jello.  cuz let's face it, Pudding is not Jello! -Kyle  
Bill Cosby works in mysterical ways...
  Zack~ If nipples were horses, and horses were nipples, where would my nipplesbe running? -Ryan
In beautiful green grass filled fields with midgets on unicycles handing out exotic flowers...otherwords known as Canada.  

All from Marty...

what would you do for a klondike bar?
-It is very strange...A Klondike Bar is one of those things that draws you to it. It has been proven that if you resist long enough that you will eventually go insane and most likely end up ripping your own leg from your body and beating yourself over the head with it until death. If you feel this sensation I advise you to just go with it and do whatever you must to obtain it. And once you have it, why dont you reward yourself with a nice refreshing Vanilla Coke?

why does the stuff oozing between my toes call me names?
-That stuff oozing between your toes is what is left of your unborn twin. It is calling you names for obvious reasons, use some doctor shoals your smelly bastard

If i cut off my own leg and re attached it backwards could i kick my own ass?
-Its very possible...That is if you don't pass out and die due to loss of blood first. For this experiment I would use a 14th century bastard sword to amputate the leg and some bright green sewing thread to reattach it. But if you are not able to pull off this stunt, dont sweat it, there is still hope, just come see me and I will be more than happy to kick your ass for you.

From Mike T...

How long is your left big toe?
-Well, I am told by others that I have small feet...I'm pretty sure its from my Puerto Rican genes. But my left big toe is actually 2 and 1/16th inches long. Thats starting from the part between my toes...Their clean, dont worry.

From Hilary...

How long is the yellow brick road?
-I recently took a trip on the Yellow Brick Road and measured it. It came out to exactly 23.6 miles long, including what used to be the midget people town. What happened to the town you ask? Well on my journey I became a bit hungry and ended up killing and eating one of those little wee men. I didn't think that the others would be all that pissed off but I guess I was wrong. They started stoning me (thats throwing rocks at me...not getting high with me for all you addicts out there) so I began lighting them aflame at first as a defensive maneuver. They stopped stoning me but after about the first few were lit up and started running around in circles screaming I began to like the activity, and well, I got a little carried away. 332 will be missed. The last one I took home as a souvenir and it now sorts all these lovely letters and emails that the you, the public, send me.

Once again...all from Marty:

I know my dog speaks english but i dont know how to prove it, can you help me? these voices only talk to you when your dog is around or all the time...? If it is only when your dog is around then I can help. Take a sharp object (and remember, I am famous for my use of sharp objects) and just lob off one of the canines legs...any one of them will do. If it just yelps like any regular dog would do, just put it out of its misery...pick up the lost limb and beat it over the head until all activity ceases. If it begins to yell and scream and cuss at you then have proved it talks. If the dog abruptly says " that all you got?", then please contact me because you have found my dog. Thank you.
Who would win a fight between a rabbid platypus with a sword strapped to his back, a kangaroo with metal shoes and and one boxing glove, a lion with no teeth and a a set of those joke cattering teath knawing on its balls, and an eight year old version of you with a civil war musket? answer that truthfully I must tell you what I would do... First I would load the musket and fire my first shot at the platypus because that just sounds scary...I mean, a rabid platypus is scary enough but then add in a sword and its certain death. Then I pick up the Platypus' dead body, pull the sword out, and heave the carcass towards the kangaroo, that temporarily stunning it. I would then hold the sword high in the air, wrap my shirt around my head, do the taliban war cry, then proceed to stab the Kangaroo unmercily until its body looked like Bradys face (believe me...its scary). By then the lion should be pretty psyched out and have had run away. I would then track it down like a african hunter and stab it repeatedly in the head until it then too ceased to exist. Then as a celebration I would hollow out kangaroos feet...use them as shoes. Cut the lions mane off, tie it around my head. Cut the bill from the platypus and glue it to my face. Roll around in the blood of my fallen enemies and then enjoy a nice game of Monopoly.
Why was that question so long?
-The answer was even longer...
Why dont they have playboy magazine whith midgets on it?
I wiped out half the population...Please refer to the "Yellowbrick Road" question above. I would say that Mike would work since he is short and only weighs about 120 but then again...Who the hell would buy it?
Why do my friends try to conspire to kill me with the walls?
As one of the few who makes killing things an art I must say that using the walls to kill someone is pretty good thinking. But in order to go on with this question I must know how they plan to use the walls...Are they planning the old "lock in a room and the walls move in until they crush you"? Perhaps just the "wait until you walk infront of a wall and drop it on them". Maybe the old toon favorite of "painting a opening on a wall and hope their foe runs into it". Or the very simple "run up and bash their head into the wall?" There are many choices to choose from...just watch for these.
Would it be ok it i strapped two penguins to my feet and walked to your house?
-I dont have a problem with it. Infact...that would be very interesting to see. I've heard of it before but never saw it in real life. I heard they make very good skis. And from what Mike tells me they also make very good lovers, but Im not going to try to find out.
What would be the best book to light on fire?
-I would sugguest Chinua Achebe's "Things Fall Apart". It was the most stupid book I have ever read and well...was just stupid. Then again, if you can't find a book then use anything avaliable (For Example: Restuarant, Tree, Your Best Friend, Your grandma, a dog, Bradys Mom).