101 Methods of Mooching

101 Methods of Mooching

Note:This was an Essay I wrote for School. I probably got a bad grade on it, but what does school know anyway? Nothing, you're damn straight... So sit and be told a story of mooching...

It is said that Money is the root of all evil. Money is also a major contributor to most hapiness. In this sense, if we didn't have money, we don't have possesions, and end up living in a van down by the river. So for those among us who do not have the luxery of wealthy parents or the ambition to get a job, what are the remaining options to gain income? The answer, my friend, is our rich and ambitious friends. Why should they get all the benefits just because they put forth hard work and effort to get ahead in life? It doesn't seem fair that some people can have a pool table and a mini-fridge with an 800 dollar sound system in they're brand new Hummer and others can have little more than 2 fish sandwiches they smuggled out of the lunch line. And for what? Because their parents went to medical school and became doctors or they put forth effort and became succesful buisnessmen? All they are doing is reaping the benefits of Schmoes just like you and I who are glued to the ever loving warm grasp of our E-Z boy recliner.

But wait, herein lies the key to the salvation of your finacial soul; Mooching. Mooching is an art as old as unbalanced economies. Perhaps one of the earliest and most notorious mooching incidents happened in 1492 when a fairly poor explorer by the name of 'Christopher Columbus' begged and pleeded his way into the pockets of the king and queen of Spain to fund his voyage accross the mighty ocean. So, if you think about it deep enough, America was founded on mooching. Interesting, isn't it? But how can mooching help you out in your current situation of being broke and having no money? Simplly put, the first step to successful mooching is having rich friends.

Rich friends can be a reliable sorce of income. All you need is a hook. You have to have something they want. In exchange for what you have, you may charge them money, or candy, or whatever you happen to need at the time. Contrarry to some beliefs, this is not being a whore. Well, okay, I suppose it is being a whore, but the fact of the matter is, by calling it mooching, it makes it sounds less like a dirty skank sleeping around town and more like a lazy bum friend who wants some cash. But if you are really good, there may not even be a need to have the proverbial 'hook'.

For women with a rich male friend, this is easy. You simply flirt with your wealthy amigo until you have him shelling out little brown bags with a $ symbol on them. Males, on the otherhand, have a bigger challenge. To achieve this height of moochism, you have to have the personality. One must be a smooth-talking, wise-cracking, yet humble kind of person. Remember, rich people have feelings too that need to be addressed like any other.

So what about me? Am I a moocher? Well, in a sense, yes, I suppose so. But Iím not dishonust about it, and no one should be. A few years ago I was flat broke, but some of my good buddies would lend me a few dollars, no big deal. But I got the nick name for a while and anymore it is just a big joke. So if you attempt to be a moocher, be aware, the reputation stays with you for a while. But youíll have your McDonalds, so what does it matter?