Fast food follies

Hell yes I would like fries with that

Let me ask all of you young folk a question… Do you like food? Of course you do! I, personally, love the stuff. As an American, it is required, by law, for you to have eaten at least one hamburger in your lifetime, if not one every week, preferably one a day. But the overwhelming degree of incompetence in the fast food industry is at an all-time High. You can go to any fast food place today and I guarantee there is at least 3 mentally retarded people working there, who use the bathroom and touch your food without washing their hands… The bastards… Take our local Fairmont Long John Silvers for example… What the hell happened there?! Did a guy just come in one day and say, “Ya know what… I’m going to hire the most retarded, imbred mother fucks I can find today and put ‘em all right up front at the counter…” Now Brandon will not approve of my saying these mean things about his favorite feeding spot, but damn Brandon, even you had to realize something was wrong when the lady who was mopping the floors asked if you wanted a hush puppy she found under a table… The damn thing was green and had a bite taken out of it!! I can’t believe people even expect me to pay for this stuff… Prices are WAY out of hand!! I went to Burger king the other day, strictly because the line for the drive-thru was shorter than that of McDonalds and I was REALLY hungry. I had exactly one dollar to my name. Now, a cheeseburger at McDonalds runs ya about 79 cents, well under a dollar and a perfect quick snack for someone like me. The Burger King had some deal going at the time, a double cheeseburger meal for $2.99 So I think, “Hey, a double cheeseburger can’t run me more than a dollar, I think I’ll have me one…” So ya know, I ask the pimply faced 800 pound beach ball shaped 34 year old who still lives with him mom counter guy how much a double cheeseburger would run me. He came back with the estimate of about $2.34. I jumped over the counter and beat the living piss out of him until he was just another hamburger grease stain on the dirty tile floor. I then asked the voluptuous red head beside him how much a regular hamburger would cost. The estimate on that still had me furious. A whole dollar…. FOR ONE HAMBUGER!!! Remember I told ya that a cheeseburger at McDonalds would cost about 79 cents, and here, a hamburger is a flat dollar… A little part of my soul died as I asked them to give me a hamburger with only mustard and pickle to go. On the drive home I opened the bag and removed my expensive prize. I took a bite and quickly spit it back out. My hamburger, was now a cheeseburger with onions and ketchup, and was burnt to a crisp on stale bread… My eye began to twitch as I jerked the wheel of my 1993 Plymouth Acclaim hard to the right careening into a tree…

I awoke several hours later in a daze, surrounded my medical doctors all smiling. I thought I could hear one say, “Son of a bitch, he’s alive!” and I passed out

I’m currently writing this rant from the bed of Fairmont State hospital, room 113. They say with some luck, I may be able to walk again… but they’ll have to find my legs first…