Being the infamous lounge of crazy antics that it is, The Page of Unimportance is always trying to find the truth behind the occult.
So the other day I was walking around the local strip mall, eating a can of re-fried beans and weenies, when I wandered into a store I will, for legal reasons, identify only as "Best Buy." Why do those kinds of stores feel the need to have 20,000 employees with "Can I help you?" and "Need any help finding something today?" etched indelibly into their synapses?? And why do they always bother me?? It might have something to do with the big bushy beard or the large stack of kitty porn I was carrying, but we may never know.
Ummmmmm....Oh yeah! I was getting sick of being asked if I needed help, so I retreated to the one place that the employees never go: The Discount Section. You can try this yourself, it's not my imagination, they ignore The Discount Section.
Anywho, I was bean and weenie-ing it my way through the discount section when something caught my eye, but I have a girlfriend so I turned my attention to the games. When I did something shimmered in the sunlight from skylight; A "Ouija board" a device rumored to be able to communicate with the dead.
In the last twenty years that the whole "evil" thing has come been accounted with the Ouija Board because the world has gotten stupider and teens find the proper responce to being picked on is to have extra angst and wear black,pretend to be
vampires, and try to be different like everyone else. No seriously try it: go to any search engine and do a search for "black" or "realm" or "sacred" or "God damned moron" and you'll be swamped in goth sites, all with red letters on a spoooky black background and all of them thinking that white clown makeup and pictures of eyes are scary. I hate them so damn much...so damn much...
Anywho after weeks and weeks of experimentation The Barrel of Monkeys I pay with peanuts found no results whatsoever. After doing some research of my own (I punched some fat guy with a studded necklace at "Spenser's gifts" till he told me what I wanted to know...I think it was a guy) I figured out where they went wrong: the sloths were performing the experiment during the day! I knew what I had to do. So foresaking any danger to myself (Just to entertain and enlighten you) I went to the
local Wendy's (open late!) at night, to try to make contact with the other side!
At the local food restraunt, I set up my Ouija board, got a Sprite and went to work:
First attempt: the pointer started moving on it's own as soon as the clock struck midnight, when asked who's presence I was in the board spelled it out slowly; D...A...V...E. I then asked Dave if there was a faster way to do this, the pointer drifted over to "Yes"! No sooner had it finished saying it's answer before Dave Thomas appeared floating above the board!!
In a beautiful stroke of contrivance Dave was now able to speak to me without the board!. The following is a complete transcript:
Me: Hey Dave LATER
Me: Here ya go Dave
And so ended my mysterious and dangerous journey into the realm of the unknown. I left Wendey's that night shaken, and with a deeper understanding of the forces at work in our...not really, I just got hit in the head with a shovel and passed out on sidewalk beside Rite Aid, if it wasn't for the Sprite stain on the Ouija board and the Charleston Chew wrapper I would have forgotten all about it, but I'll always remember Dave's haunting words....
"...my family would NEVER sue"
My Interview with the Other Side!!!
Dave Thomas: Hey
Me: Dave does this mean you're in hell?
Dave Thomas: Yep, who're you?
Me: I'm the janitor
DT: Hi janitor what's up?
Me: I was wondering if I could interview you.
DT: Sure
Me: Great! First question; Since I used a Ouija board, the known symbol of evil, does conjuring you mean you're in hell?
DT: Yeah, I'm in hell alright [sighs]
Me: But Dave! You did so many good works during your life and your beautiful family would never think of suing someone for any reason!
DT: Yeah I know, but when I first started out with Wendy's times were tough so I used hobos to help cut the hamburger budget
Me: Ouch
DT: You're telling me, and my family would NEVER sue
Me: I hope so Dave. Next question; if hell is so bad why did they let you get away from the torture to communicate with me?
DT: OH! Geez I almost forgot [looks in pockets] Ah here it is [takes out note] *ahem* WOOooOOooOOO! I am an apparition from the fiery pits of eternal hell!! Fear me and love me!!! I...
Me: I do love you Dave, you were a nice guy
DT: Don't interrupt...where was I? OH yeah...I hold the power of all hells in my hands!! I command you to go forth and slaughter every person you meet until my blood thirst is slaked!!! Ummmmm....blahblahblah...the rest is a bunch of legal stuff
Me: That was truly frightening Dave. Truly
DT: Yeah, you'd be surprised who that works on
Me: Do you really hold the power of all hells in your hands?
DT: No, I do have this cool wrist launching taser thing though. We use it mostly to zap the irritating guys from heaven that come to gawk
Me: Hold on Dave I gotta use the can, Sprite goes right through me
DT: Yeah ok, I'll be here
Me: Ok Dave be right back
DT: Hey snag me a Charleston Chew from the machine?
Me: [in distance] yeah ok
Dave Thomas:
Thanks
Me: No problem, I can't stand Charleston Chews though
DT: Neither can I but I got hooked on them since they're the only canday allowed down there
Me: Really?
DT: Well it's either these or those neon circus peanut things
Me: I like those. But back to the interview
DT: Hey why do you want to interview me anyway?
Me: I'm gonna do a series, after you I'm gonna try for Hitler
DT: I hate to break it to you but it's my shift for the next 34 years
Me: Wait...you take turns?
DT: Yeah, it's my shift for the next 34 years, after that is that Chris Farley guy, aaaaand-d-d-d I think...after that...is Carrottop
Me: Damn! Excuse the expression. Well ok I'll work with what I got.
First question: Is Hitler there?
DT: [laughs] Oh boy [laughs] you wanna stay away from the Hitler thing
Me: Why?
DT: Weeeelll sometimes the devil goes into Hitler's room and comes out looking kinda sick, rumor has it that they're helping Hitler solve world hunger through "recycling" and "stopping nutrient loss through defecation".
Me: Wow...that's not bad enough though
DT: And his soul is ripped apart by wild rabid dogs with the head of his mother
Me: Let's hope they think of something worse. OH poop!
DT: What?
Me: I spilled my damn Sprite. Bah! It'll be fine, next question; Is Osama Bin Laden there? We're all kinda wondering.
DT: You mean the dickhole with the beard that keeps screaming something about "figs" and "virgins", kinda tall, keeps asking for Allah?
Me: That doesn't narrow it down much
DT: He says he "brought America to it's knees"
Me: THAT'S the delusional son-of-a-bitch
DT: Right, he gets to wear his ass as a hat while going through airport security six hundred times a day
Me: That's it?!?!
DT: Ghengis Khan and Vlad the Impaler are the gaurds and strip searches are mandatory
Me: Hmm...
DT: And so are cavity searches
Me: Oh...
DT: DEEP cavity searches, with rottweilers...covered in acid...
Me: I thought he is wearing his ass as a hat
DT: He is, they go in through the
other way
Me: [laughs]
DT: Then they sandpaper his beard off. Hitler still envies him though
Me: Ok good. Before I ask Dave, what's your punishment?
DT: Every time MacDonalds sells a hamburger I get a kicked in the head with a steel toed boot
Me: Ouch, sorry Dave
DT: Meh [shrugs]
Me: Ok new question: Have you seen heaven?
DT: No
Me:Oooook; What's the devil like?
DT: Quiet guy, really like Charleston Chews and Disneyland collectibles
Me: I thought so. Ok you mentioned Carrottop was gonna be there, anyone else on slate?
DT: Yeahhh...umm no everyone gets a chance for redemption and can be saved so we never know.
Me: But Carro...
DT: Except him
Me: OOOOhhhh ok. Hmmmm...Dave, would you endorse The Page of Unimportance?
DT: Absolutely
Me: Sweet. Is there anyway I could get satan to come to Earth just to claim the souls of the kids in the "Gap" commercials?
DT:[deleted]
Me: Really!?!? THAT's who they work for?? [laughs] OK I'll delete your answer.
DT: Hey I gotta go.
Me: Awww..
DT: I gotta go convince a 15 year old that he's adopted and his parents should die for their lies
Me: As long as it's for a good cause. So long Dave and thanks for all your help
DT: Hey no problem glad to do it
