Oh Goodness!

Okee dokee listeners…

I have been presently snowboarding and I am tired as shit.  I pulled off some good moves today, such as a 180 method, and therefore, am in a fair mood.  Please, please, hold your applause until after the speech…

              Well, when we were on the way back in the Hosstutler’s big van with nice heaters in the seats which warm your ass while you sit on it, I began contemplating behavorial patterns of my incompetent friends which I used to do quite frequently bfore I lost my mind.  So we were in the car eating stuff, playing someone’s gameboy advance with this game called advance wars which is one of the best games ever, the boys were constantly bitching at each other and stuff, and I finally exclaimed for no reason, “WHY DOES EVERYONE BITCH SO MUCH?!?!”

              It’s true…I bitch, you bitch, she bitch, two fish.  It’s how it goes.  One person bitches to one, then they have to make up for their embarrassment by bitching again and therefore regaining their proper bitching status.  It’s like a vicious circle.  It’s all about rep.  I then started thinking of writing a song about that.

  By about this time in my thought/trance, I looked down and noticed that I now had some crackers in my mouth and on my pants, and was now playing some Dr. Mario instead while listening to Alien Ant Farm and my snowboard was laying on my head which was uncomfortable so I had to push it off and hit Trent in the head with it. (gasp) He got mad and bitched.  I almost bitched back, but I had to stop myself from repeating the cycle.  That’s what I am asking of you all today, to not bitch back for one WHOLE &$#%& DAY!   It’s called W.W.A.B.D.? à What Would A Bitch Do?  Whatever they would do, don’t do it.  Just shut your damn mouth.  I don’t care what he called you, even if it is true.  Just shut the fuck up!  That’s it!

  We all need to get in touch with Mista Self-Control, cuz he’s callin, but nobody isn’t not picken up (take that triple-negative and stick it in your 500 year old mouth, Feltz) …  So any ways, I know you were hoping for a laugh, and… here it is:

  Last week I was hangin’ out with my Canaan buds: Ian, Mike (not baker), Trevor, Dan, and Steve, and of course, the lovable Duckbunny.  So we were tearing it up on our boards because that’s just about all we do these wintry days, and we went in for a snacky wacky cuz we were hungry wungry.  We get into the restaurant and this waitress with huge knockers comes over and so we are using all these pick up lines which she never went for.  It was truly sad.  I even busted out my all time faves: “Hey, since I’m a taxidermist, would you like to come up to my cabin and I’ll show you how to stuff a beaver!” and “You know what would look good on you? Me.”  Man, she got all pissed.  That wasn’t even the half of it.  My buddy Cliffy said it was his birthday and we wanted a cake and wouldn’t you know it, she brought one out and sang the song.  It was fukking good too.  After that, I think we just snuck out with a lot of food, got our lift tickets taken away, got stoned out of our minds, played Halo for a good six hours, listened to some Stone Temple Pilots, got lost outside somewhere, and here we be.  For your listening pleasure tho’, I have compiled some of my other pick up lines for public use so please thank me sometime if you use these…as I am the mastah player:

  “If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?”

“Uh, like let's drop all the uh B.S. and like, you know, do it.”

“Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?”

“Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.”

“Hey baby, wanna play lion king? OK. You go kneel right there and I'll throw you my meat.”

“I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!”

“The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.”

“Your place or mine? Tell you what? I'll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours.”

“Do you like apples? (Yes.) How about I take you home and fuck the shit out of you. How do like them apples?”

“Wanna go 50-50 on a rape charge?”

“You're like a Pringle. Once I pop ya, I can't stop ya.”

“Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?”

“Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's?”

“A women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?"

“Hi. You'll do.”

“There are 265 bones in the human body. How'd ya like one more?”

“Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?”

“Do you like whales? Well I have a hump-back at my place.”

“You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you.”

“How do you like your eggs in the morning? Fertilized?”

“Lets skip all the bull-shit, lose our inhabitions, and DO what we really came here to do.”

“Do you live on a chicken farm (girl says no) well you sure know how to raise cocks.”

“Pick a number between 1 and 10. Shit, you lose now take off your clothes.”

“You look like my type: nice hair, beautiful eyes, amazing body, but there is still just one problem: your clothing. (What's wrong with my clothing?) They're still on.”

“(Look down at the crotch) It's not just going to suck itself.”


“If you’ll be my Dairy Queen, I’ll be your Burger King:  You treat me right and I’ll do it your way.”