Hi my name is Amber, and I would like to take this time to tell you our story. I met my boyfriend Todd in August of 2000, we started hanging out watching movies and just ended up dating. We found out I was pregnant with our son in March of 2001. I gave birth to Corey November 6, 2001.

We weren't sure when or if we would have another child, but I knew I wanted a little girl. Our son would be the oldest and so he would be there to protect his sister. We had our lives planned out and everything sounded so perfect when we would talk about it. We didn't want our children to be far apart in age, we wanted them to grow up close together. It sounded so much easier in our heads.

My pregnancy was about as normal as it could be for myself.. With my son I had toxemia, so when we found out we were expecting another child I thought I would have the same problems again.. I went to every doctors appointment I had scheduled and every time they said everything was perfect..

Sometime between 24 and 28 weeks they did a normal glucose screening as they do with every pregnant woman.. Mine came back a little high so I had to go for another screening.. This time I wouldn't just be sitting in the doctors office for an hour.. I was going to be sitting in a lab for 4 hours.. That didn't bother me much though.. I wanted our child to be as healthy as he or she could be.. So my tests came back that my sugar was high and so I would have to see a diabetes specialist.. Not only did I see the specialist, but I had to visit with a nutritionalist and be put on a special diet to help control my sugar without medication..

I was happy about that, I'm not much for needles.. I did great controlling my sugar, although when you are pregnant you constantly want something sweet.. I couldn't have most things but I could have a small portion of what I craved.. That kept me sane for a time.. I had regular ultrasounds to measure the baby so they could keep an eye on her weight.. By this time they were 95% sure we were having a girl.. That was great I thought, our children would be 19 months apart and we could be done having children..

I never would have guessed what was actually going to happen.. By my 5th month of pregnancy, I was seeing the doctor twice a week.. Because I was so high risk he wanted to monitor me very closely.. Everything seemed to be going so great.. My blood pressure was perfect, my sugar was great and our little angel was growing normal.. She seemed to be the perfect baby.. Always active, and a heartbeat that seemed to last forever.. The more active she was, the higher it would be.. I always knew when she was resting, her heartbeat was about 145 when she was.. When she would rise it was always between 165 and 172.. I loved hearing the beating sound when they would get her on the doppler.. It was like music to my ears.. I would smile so big..

The afternoon of June 10th was just any other normal day.. I had to visit the doctor so in order for me to have a babysitter my mother came home from work to watch our Corey.. I was already 2 weeks past my due date and we were waiting for the doctor to induce my labor.. I left my house and traveled the 15 minutes to the doctors office.. I felt a little weird but just thought maybe it was about time for me to deliver.. The baby didn't seem to be moving quite like she had been..

When I was at the doctor June 5th things were fine. I was uneasy because when I had a contraction or she would move her heartbeat would just disappear.. The doctor didn't seem to be worried and now I wish he had been.. I arrived at his office at 1:45 p.m. I was a few minutes early as I normally was.. They took me in got my weight and urine, then took me in a room.. I sat up on the table as I did every other time.. The nurse checked my blood pressure then got the doppler to check the baby..

When she put it where we had gotten her heartbeat for the last 5 months, there was nothing.. We thought maybe she had moved to another position so she moved it around a bit.. Still there was nothing.. I started to shake, she said she would have the doctor come in.. When he came in he didn't seem worried, he got the doppler and looked around.. About 20 minutes later he hadn't found anything so he decided on an ultrasound to see what was going on..

On the way to the ultrasound room I asked if there was a problem, he said " I don't think so, her heartbeat just isn't as strong as normal".. Well I didn't hear it at all, and that wasn't at all normal.. As the nurse was measuring the baby, I lay there waiting to hear the beating of her tiny heart.. She said she needed to get the doctor and cleared the screen.. When he came in he said I need to take a look here a minute.. I was looking at the screen and as a reaction asked if my daughter was alright.. The doctor turned to me and I still have nightmares with his words echoing in my ear.. He turned and said "Unfortunately, No she isn't".. My heart skipped a few beats as he said those words to me..

They escorted me to a little room with a phone after I told them I was there alone.. I called Todd at work and told him to leave now and come to the office.. I couldn't tell him over the phone that our daughter was dead.. I still remember trying to get my family on the phone and not being able to.. The only person I could reach was my sister and so I told her what had happened and she called people for me.. The doctor sent me to the hospital just a block away to confirm our daughters demise.. As I was driving I kept thinking it was all a dream.. I was hoping it was, but inside I knew it wasn't..

The hospital confirmed what the doctor, and I suppose myself had already known.. I was to be admitted into the hospital that night for what I thought would be a C-section.. Oh, was I ever wrong.. It seemed the doctor would rather I deliver her naturally.. Not quite as natural as my son though, I wanted the pain killers and I wanted them sooner then they wanted to give them.. I was in false labor all of that night.. Starting it at about 9 o'clock.. At 5:30 a.m. I was awakened by such strong contractions I couldn't move.. I called my nurse and she brought a shot of medicine to help ease the pain.. It didn't work for contractions but worked wonders on the migraine headache I had had since the night I arrived..

She checked my cervix to find I had dilated to about 2 1/2 centimeters.. I decided I should call everyone and get them started to the hospital since I was about 45 minutes away for some of them.. By 7:30 a.m. I was dilated to 6 centimeters and so it was time for the medications I had waited so long for.. Oh how they helped with the pain.. After giving birth to one child without anything there was no way it was happening again.. Everyone arrived at about the same time, and so the only thing we could do was wait..

The doctor broke my water at 9:30 a.m. and explained to me that we still didn't know what went wrong but we would soon enough.... At 10:42 a.m. June 11, 2003 ~ Randa Ann Elizabeth Lang was born into Heaven.. He held her in his hand and explained her umbilical cord was wrapped tightly around her chest twice.. The cord that gave her life the last 10 months was also the one that took her.. I was so mad.. I wanted our baby back and I didn't care what had to be done to do it.. Though I knew it couldn't be done, I still wanted it more than anything..

We called the Pastor of the church and he was on his way to baptize our little angel.. They took Randa to clean her up a bit so they could let the family in the room.. I wanted everyone there when they brought her back, I didn't want anyone to miss one moment of being with her.. The family she would never know and the family that loves her so much..

We took pictures and held her so tight.. Our son wanted to see her, he wanted to play with her and stroke her face as he did any other baby he seen.. He couldn't do that of course but deep down I wished he could.. We spent most of the next few hours making memories with our daughter and family.. By 5 p.m. the family was leaving I was going to shower and try to get some rest.. They took Randa to the nursery so I could do all of this.. I would see our daughter one more time before we were to lay her to rest next to her grandfather, uncle, great-uncle, and great-grandmother..

Her arrangements were made and I was determined I was going home the next day so I could attend the services..I would have walked out had the doctor told me I couldn't leave..She is my baby I told my nurse and I'm leaving tomorrow to lay her to rest..

Friday, June 13, 2003 would be the first time since her birth and journey to heaven that we seen her.. She looked so beautiful, like a tiny porcelain doll.. She was placed in a bassinet with all of her toys and things we had thought she would love.. A bib that said I love my big brother, and dolls Corey had picked out for her, a bear her grandfather had gotten her from a machine, and an elephant rattle our son and nephew had as babies..

The room she was layed out in looked like a little nursery.. There were so many baby things around, it was so beautiful and I know she would have loved it.. So many people were there to pay their respects, but I don't know now who they were.. Without reading her book I couldn't tell you anyone I seen, nor talked to that night..Our son, bless his little heart was running around having the time of his life.. Of course he is only 19 months old so he really didn't know what was going on.. I'm sure he knew something was wrong though..

The next day would turn out to be the worst by far.. Saturday, June 14, 2003 just 2 days before my mothers birthday and 1 day before fathers day would be the last time ( without pictures ) we would see our darling angel Randa.. Oh how I wish I had the power to turn back the hands of time..

Her funeral could not have gone any better.. Everything seemed to go so perfect.. We picked out 4 songs to be played and I listen to them everyday.. They help me to feel closer to her.. Everyone says that time will heal the pain and one day we will bring another child into this world..

Nothing will ever change the fact that our daughter didn't live, and she will forever be in our hearts.. As for bringing another child into this world, only time will tell.. I'm not sure that I want another child.. I wanted 2 children, a boy and a girl.. I gave birth to 2 lovely children and for now that's the way it will stay.. Corey and Randa are our babies forever and ever.. They both hold a special place in our hearts..

You are listening to ~ "Butterfly Kisses"