Stewie Griffin: Damn you vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your vile womb!
Peter Griffin: You know those Germans; if you don't join the party, they come get you.
Peter Griffin: Holy crip, he's a crapple!
Stewie Griffin: No sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!
[Riding a circus elephant.]
Peter Griffin: Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a fat white guy who is threatened by change.
Stewie Griffin: [To ticket agent] Now look here...
[looks at agent's name tag]
Stewie Griffin: Jo-LENE! I have an army to raise and I must get to Managua at once! I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. BUT NO PICKLES! OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES!
Brian Griffin: Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?
Peter Griffin: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass!
Stewie Griffin: Ha ha! Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening!
Peter Griffin: NOOOOOO! Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn longears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. Anyway, what was that you were saying?
Stewie Griffin: Damn you, broccoli!
Stewie Griffin: So, what do you think of this "Music Television?"
Li: Stewie, come complete our rainbow.
Stewie Griffin: I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."
Janet: Hi. Cookie?
Stewie Griffin: Well, it's Stewie, but...you can call me "cookie" if you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis," "Agent Buckwald" and "Snake." Yes, I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin.
Stewie Griffin: Mother, I come baring a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
[While trying to potty-train Stewie]
Peter Griffin: Maybe you don't have to pee. I'll just give you some beer, it'll run right through you.
Stewie Griffin: Beautiful. And while we're at it we can light up a dubey and watch porn!
Stewie Griffin: Do these huggies make my ass look big?
[While eating a pancake]
Stewie Griffin: OH! mmm yes oh god this is better than SEX!
Lois Griffin: What's going on?
Stewie Griffin: We're playing house.
Lois Griffin: The boy is all tied up.
Stewie Griffin: Roman Polanski's house.
Stewie Griffin: [After Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style"] Damn you, Damn the Broccoli, and Damn the Wright Brothers!
[The Griffins have inherited a mansion. Stewie is being waited on.]
Stewie Griffin: You! Cut my eggs!
[waiter cuts his eggs]
Stewie Griffin: Oh I feel so delightfully white trash! Mommy, I want a mullet!
Stewie Griffin: Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that.
Stewie Griffin: [to Peter] You! You are the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber!
Stewie Griffin: And you, I just don't like you.
Stewie Griffin: [Picking up the phone.] Hello, operator. Hello,...Oh god, that's right you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. Uhhh, I should know this. Oh yes,
Stewie Griffin: 867-5309, yes that's it. Wait that's not it, damn you Tommy Two-Tone! Huh, only one thing to do 111-1111, Lois? Damn! 111-1112 Lois?! DAMN! 111-1113....
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I hate it when your mother worries. She usually says things like "I told you so" and "Stop doing that, I'm asleep."
Stewie Griffin: For God's sake, shake me. Shake me like a British nanny!
[Stewie and Brian are trying to sleep in a motel, a drug deal is heard in the next room]
Drug Buyer: You got the stuff?
Drug Dealer: Yeah I got it, where's the money, huh? I wanna see the money.
Drug Buyer: No, no, no, you don't see the money 'till I see the stuff.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, for God's sake, does anyone wait to put an end to this nuisance.
Stewie Griffin: HE'S WEARING A WIRE!
Drug Dealer: What?! You son of a-
[gunshots are heard following by a "body drop" sound effect]
Stewie Griffin: Yay and God said to Abraham, "you will kill your son, Issak", and Abraham said, "I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone." "Oh I'm sorry, Is this better? Check, check, check... Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."
Stewie Griffin: What the hell is this?
Lois Griffin: Stewie that's tuna salad.
Stewie Griffin: Really?! I could have sworn it was cat food.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I must give you my e-mail address. It's firstname.lastname@example.org.
Lois Griffin: Stewie, why don't you go play in the other room.
Stewie Griffin: Why don't you burn in hell!
Stewie Griffin: Forecast for tomorrow; A few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!
Stewie Griffin: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.
Stewie Griffin: Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, on the other hand, is like this box of ACTIVE GRENADES!
Stewie Griffin: You! Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal! You two, fight to the death!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, look at me! Look, my finger is in a very naughty place!
[Stewie's finger is in his nose]
Brian Griffin: Kid, you're talking to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.
Stewie Griffin: Did you forge my name? How dare you! Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? I'm going to crap double for you tonight!
Lois Griffin: I hope you kids saved room for dessert.
Stewie Griffin: I hope you burn in hell!
Lois Griffin: Well, no dessert for you, young man.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials.
Stewie Griffin: This isn't the first time my small stature has hindered my plans.
Auctioneer: Item 157... Global Domination. Enslave the human race! Do I have any bids?
Stewie Griffin: OOH! OOH! ME! ME!
Auctioneer: I'll take any bids! $1! Enslave the human race for $1?
Stewie Griffin: BEHIND THE FAT CHICK! OOH! OOH!
Stewie Griffin: Come any closer and I'll cut her!
[realizes he's holding a tongue depresser]
Stewie Griffin: I'll give her a series of splinters... that could become infected!
Stewie Griffin: [hitting on some co-eds] I must say, the most recent campus sporting event was quite spectacular.
Co-ed: Aw. Are you in a fraternity, little boy?
Stewie Griffin: Not yet, but I'm thinking of joining I Felta Thigh.
[A fat Stewie is sitting on the porch]
Stewie Griffin: Come, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me.
Stewie Griffin: What are you looking at? Damn you all... and such.
Brian Griffin: Look at you. You spent all that time making Chris jealous and now you have an eating disorder.
Stewie Griffin: Help me up!
Brian Griffin: I would but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting!
Waitress: Here you go, fella. From Flappy himself.
Stewie Griffin: I don't care if they...
[Stewie is force-fed a bite of pancakes]
Stewie Griffin: Oh... oh these are delectable! Hey, Flappy! Good news! I've decided not to kill you!
Stewie Griffin: Jeffrey! Take the 4.20 from Hounslow out of your mouth!
[watching cheerleaders change in a locker room]
Stewie Griffin: It appears my wee-wee's been stricken with rigor mortis.
Stewie Griffin: Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said, "I'm going to kill you."
Stewie Griffin: Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here!
[watching a baseball game]
Stewie Griffin: Why does that man drop his club before he runs? I would bring it with me!
Stewie Griffin: Make sure there's a fresh copy of Wall Street Journal next to the changing table.
Stewie Griffin: I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.
Stewie Griffin: Damn the toilet! It's made slaves of you all! It just sits there consuming other people's feces while contributing nothing of its own to society.
Peter Griffin: Lois, if this is your idea of a joke, you must write for Leno!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, oh you know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. The fact is the man's out there every bloody night, with fresh material, and he's charming!
Stewie Griffin: How deliciously evil! It's like something out of Stephen King!
Stephen King: Now for my 300th novel, a couple... is attacked... by a giant lamp monster!
Editor: You're not even trying anymore are you?
Lois Griffin: Meg, I'm like one of those bald eagles you see on the Discovery Channel. Beautiful to look at, but mess with one of my chicks and I'll claw your fucking eyes out! Now who wants a cookie?
Stewie: I do! Ooh, keep talking. All this talk about eye-gouging has got me all frisky.
Guy in Chicken Suit: Enjoy your chicken sandwich.
Stewie Griffin: Enjoy your studio apartment.
Peter Griffin: See? They covered the house in Teflon so that nothing sticks to it.
[the family slips and falls to the floor]
Peter Griffin: Oh, I probably shouldn't have had them cover the floors in it.
[Stewie skates by]
Stewie Griffin: Look at me! I'm nudes on ice!
[Stewie picking his nose.]
Stewie Griffin: Do I not disgust you?
Brian Griffin: Kid you're looking at someone who uses his tongue to clean his privates.
Brian Griffin: Come on, I'll show the channel Lois doesn't know about.
[turns on TV]
Lois Griffin: Brian what... Chris go to your room! Meg take Stewie upstairs!
Stewie Griffin: Wait. That man seems to have suffered a rather serious snake bite.
Brian: Why don't you shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Very well, what are the stakes if I win?
Brian: I wasn't making a bet. Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
[during a smoking conference]
Stewie: Baby needs to suck ash! Baby needs to suck ash! Not ass, you pervert. Save it for the interns.
Stewie: Hidden missile behind the Great Wall? Ancient Chinese secret, huh?
Lois Griffin: My therapist said we should try a trick called "role reversal", it's where you pretend to be the person who makes you angry. Don't listen to your mother, kids! She's stupid and worthless and you should only listen to me, Peter.
Peter Griffin: I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales but I wont let Peter buy anything he likes like that neon beer sign with the chick who had two mugs for jugs. It was only $8 and we had a dozen places to put it!
Stewie: I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug.
Brian Griffin: I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim.
Stewie Griffin: Soooo Broccoli, mother says you're very good for me. But I'm afraid I'm no good for you!