CONTINUED:

PAM
(continuing)
When I was hired they told me this job was only temporary, and when the time was right I'd move up to news. I have now been at this desk for two years. It's kind of hard to get promoted when you've got a different boss every other week. This job sucks.

GEORGE
(beat)
And this is my friend Bob.

BOB
Nice to meet you...

Suddenly, FRED PARKER, the station's arrogant newscaster, comes storming across the room and angrily approaches Pamela.

FRED
Miss Finklestein, where's my script?

PAM
Oh, right. I'm almost done. Hold on.

Pamela returns to her typing.

FRED
Take your time. I'm only on the air in thirty seconds.

She finishes, rips the paper out of the typewriter carriage, and hands it to Fred.

PAM
There you are, your majesty.

He abruptly exits.

BOB
Too much caffeine...

GEORGE
Is it okay if we go in and watch?

PAM
(puzzled)
Sure... you're the boss.

GEORGE
Oh... right.


21 INT. U62 STUDIO

As George and Bob enter the studio, Fred Parker is taking his seat behind the news anchor desk. Fred throws a dirty look to the cameraman, a pot-bellied, middle-aged, bored-looking black man named BERT. Fred moves his hands around, showing the cameraman exactly how he wants the shot to be framed.

FRED
I want the shot here... not here... not here... here. You got that?

BERT
I think I've got the concept.

Fred fixes his tie and clears his throat. A nearby clock on the wall shows five seconds until air. Bert adjusts his headset as Fred takes a sip of coffee.

BERT
(continuing)
By the way, I almost forgot to tell you... I peed in your coffee cup.

As Fred does a major spit-take, Bert flips a switch and the red light goes on.

FRED
(composing himself)
I'm Fred Parker, and this is the U62 news. In the headlines this morning...

Bert loudly pops open a beer can. Fred hesitates slightly.

FRED
(continuing)
...Mayor Thompson is busy preparing for tomorrow's annual city budget meeting. And some city officials are predicting that this year's sessions will have a dramatic effect on public education.

We hear the o.s. sound of a BAG OF POTATO CHIPS being RIPPED OPEN and of CHIPS being EATEN. Fred is trying to keep his composure.

FRED
(continuing)
Experts are speculating that the mayor will be proposing budget cuts across the board. However, many feel that it will be the cuts to our public school system which will raise the loudest objections.

Bert takes a swig of beer and lets out a huge belch.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

FRED
That's it! I've had it

Fred stands up, pushes the desk over, and stomps across the room.

FRED
(continuing)
Forget it! I'm outta here I quit!

He pushes his way past George and leaves the studio.

22 INT. RECEPTION AREA - DAY

Fred storms past Pam's desk, toward the front door.

FRED
This place is a rat hole!

We hear the door SLAM as George approaches Pam.

GEORGE
I think we might have an opening in news.

CLOSE ANGLE - TV SCREEN

VISUAL                       CRAZY ERNIE
A guy in a cowboy hat is    That's right, friends, 
waving his hands            this is Crazy Ernie from
wildly, shouting            "Crazy Ernie's Used Car
rapid-fire into             Emporium!"  It's a giant
camera.                     supermarket of cars! I got
                            so many cars, people 
                            come up to me and say, 
                            "Hey, Crazy Ernie! Where'd
                            you get all those cars?!"
                            Lookee here.

                              CRAZY ERNIE (V.O.)
We see a dizzying pan       We got red cars, we got    
of the car lot.             green cars, we got enough
                            cars to choke a camel!

                              CRAZY ERNIE
Crazy Ernie is standing     Tell you what, friends. If
next to a baby seal         nobody comes down and buys
which is perched on         a car from me in the next
the hood of a car.          hour, I'm gonna club this
                            baby seal. That's right,
                            I'll club a seal to make a
                            better deal. And I'll do   
                            it, too... 'cause I'm 
                            crazy!

23 INT. MAIN ROOM - DAY

George is sitting behind a huge pile of papers, under which there appears to be a desk. Bob is at an adjacent desk, wading through piles of old bills and invoices. Amongst the assorted papers, Bob finds a child's crayon drawing of some kind of animal and holds it up.

BOB
What is this supposed to be?

GEORGE
I think it's a horsie.

Bob continues sorting through his paperwork.

BOB
Wow. According to these books, this station's in sad shape. We gotta bring in some new sponsors.

GEORGE
Well, Buckaroo, that's your job. Get on that phone!

BOB
Yeah, I will as soon as I can find it.

GEORGE
Geez, look at all the old reruns this station is airing. We could sure use some more live stuff... I don't know, a talk show or a kiddie show...

RAUL, a wild-eyed Mexican delivery man, enters holding a package and a clipboard.

RAUL
(heavy accent)
Hey, man, who wants to sign for this?

GEORGE
Here, I'll take that.

Raul hands George the clipboard.

RAUL
Right there, line twenty-three...
(beat)
Hey, man, it's a hot one today, huh? Hot enough to fry a dog's brain!

George gives Raul a look, then signs the slip and returns the clipboard. Raul exists and George looks at the package.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

BOB
Who's it for?

GEORGE
(reading label)
R.J. Fletcher...?

Pam walks by and George stops her.

GEORGE

(continuing)
Pam, do you know an "R.J. Fletcher"?

PAM
What?

She takes the package from George and examines it.

PAM
(continuing)
That delivery guy isn't working with a full deck. This package is supposed to go to Channel Six, the network affiliate downtown. R.J. Fletcher's the guy that runs the place. Don't worry, I'll send it back tomorrow.

GEORGE
(thinks)
No, that's okay, I'll take it over to him myself. It'll be a good chance to meet the competition.

PAM
I don't know if that's such a good idea... I hear he's not the most pleasant guy to deal with.

GEORGE
Oh, come on, he can't be all that bad. You just gotta know how to talk to those guys.

24 EXT. CHANNEL 6 - DAY

A big, shiny, corporate-looking building on a busy street.

FLETCHER (V.O.)
(shouting)
You idiot! Can't you do anything I tell you to do?!


25 INT. FLETCHER'S OFFICE

R.J. FLETCHER is the obnoxious, self-centered, back-stabbing, middle-aged station manager of Channel 6. Two of his cronies, his sone RICHARD (a chip off the old block), and his head thug FRANKIE have gathered in his office. R.J. is waving a pencil in Richard's face.

FLETCHER
(continuing)
Does this look like a Number Two pencil?!

RICHARD
(timidly)
No, I - I just thought...

FLETCHER
You thought?! I don't pay you to think. I pay you to quiver when I scream at you!

RICHARD
But, Dad...

FLETCHER
Shut up!! Okay, let's get back to the meeting. Who's got the research report?

CRONIE #1
I left the file on your desk, sir.

FLETCHER
On my desk. Where is it? I don't see it. When did you put it here?

CRONIE #1
Yesterday, before I left, sir.

FLETCHER
The janitor. It must have been the janitor. He probably threw it out when he was cleaning up in here.
(hitting the intercom)
Betty, send in the janitor!
(back to meeting)
I'm going to get to the bottom of this! I do not tolerate this type of behavior at Channel 6! This is a business, not a home for irresponsible pus brains!

The door opens and the janitor, STANLEY SPADOWSKI, enters carrying a mop. Stanley is a lovable space cadet in his forties who approaches life with a childlike innocence.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

He's a gentle soul who's proud of his work, and is happy as long as he has his mop and a hallway to clean. Stanley's perception of reality is permanently rooted somewhere out in left field, and there is no filter between his brain and his mouth.

STANLEY
You wanted me, sir?

FLETCHER
That's right. I guess you know why I called you in here.

STANLEY
(thinks)
Because you're lonely?

FLETCHER
No, you moron! Now look carefully. Do you see anything mising from this desk?

Stanley concentrates for a second, then points to a stapler on the desk.

STANLEY
Uh... that stapler?

Fletcher and his group do a quick puzzled take to each other.

FLETCHER
No, not -- listen to me! There was a very important file on this desk. A file that represented two months of extensive research. My guess is that you threw it out.

STANLEY
Why, no, sir, I...

FLETCHER
Were you in here cleaning up last night?

STANLEY
Well, yes, but I...

FLETCHER
Do you see the file on my desk now?

STANLEY
Uh, no, but...

FLETCHER
I think I've proved my point. You're a worthless human being, Mr. --

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED: (2)

STANLEY
Spadowski. Stanley Spadowski.

FLETCHER
Can I call you Stanley?

STANLEY
(brightening)
Sure!

FLETCHER
Stanley... you're fired!

CRONIE #2
But sir, he's been working here for fifteen years...

FLETCHER
(to Stanley)
Is this true?

STANLEY
Yes sir...

FLETCHER
Well... then you should know better than to do something stupid like this! Get out!

STANLEY
But...

FLETCHER
(stands up, screaming)
Get out!!

A beaten man, Stanley sadly exits Fletcher's office.

FLETCHER
(continuing)
I can't believe the incompetence in this place! People like that should be put to sleep.

As he sits back down, he notices something on his chair.

FLETCHER
(continuing)
Well, what do you know? The research file! Here it is! I've been sitting on it the whole time!
(he laughs)

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED: (3)

CRONIE #2
Uh... sir, what about the janitor?

FLETCHER
Who? Oh. Aah, I didn't like his attitude anyway.

26 INT. CHANNEL 6 - OUTSIDE FLETCHER'S OFFICE

Fletcher's crew is laughing heartily as they exit the office and disperse in different directions. Fletcher approaches the nearby reception room where George is sitting, holding a package.

FLETCHER
(to receptionist)
Betty, hold my calls.

BETTY
Yes, Mr. Fletcher.

George suddenly realizes this is the man he came to see. He jumps up and follows Fletcher into the newsroom.

GEORGE
(shouting)
Hey! R.J.!

The entire newsroomcomes to a dead stop. Everyone's eyes are on George. Fletcher slowly turns around and stares at George.

GEORGE
(continuing)
Hi! George Newman, U62. Say, nice place you got here. You know, I was just thinking, since we're both in the business and we're practically neighbors, it would be...

Fletcher recognizes his name on the package George is holding and grabs it.

FLETCHER
Where'd you get this? Don't you know that stealing mail is a federal offense?

GEORGE
Hold on, you don't understand...

FLETCHER
No, you don't understand how serious a crime this is! I think you'd better just clean out your desk right now and get out of here! You're through, mister!

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

GEORGE
But I don't work here.

FLETCHER
Oh, trespassing, huh? I'll give you ten seconds to get out before I call the police.

Fletcher smugly looks at his wristwatch.

GEORGE
Look, I just thought we could...

FLETCHER
...five... four...

George starts to move toward the front door.

GEORGE
Gee, look at the time. Well, gotta be going. Give my love to the wife and kids. eep in touch.

George exits quickly.

27 INT. HALLWAY - CHANNEL 6 - DAY

George is walking down the hall when he hears an o.s. COMMOTION. He turns the corner and finds Richard trying to take Stanley's mop away from him.

STANLEY
No... please... it's all I've got left...

RICHARD
Let go! This is station property!

STANLEY
This is my mop! My mop!

RICHARD
Not any more, buddy!

Richard shoves Stanley against the wall and yanks the mop from his hands. Stanley crumples to the floor as Richard walks away, mop in hand. George rushes over and helps Stanley up.

GEORGE
Hey! Hey, are you all right?

STANLEY
(dazed)
It's not fair, it's just not fair...

(CONTINUED)


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