"Trapped In The Drive-Thru"
7:00 in the evenin', watchin' somethin' stupid on TV
I'm zoned out on the sofa when my wife comes in the room and sees me
And she says, "Is this 'Behind The Music' with Lynyrd Skynyrd?"
And I say, "I don't know... say, it's gettin' late, whatcha wanna do for dinner?"
She says, "I kinda had a big lunch, so I'm not super hungry"
I said, "Well, you know, baby, I'm not starvin' either, but I could eat"
She says, "So what do you have in mind?"
I said, "I don't know, what about you?"
She says, "I don't care, if you're hungry, let's eat"
I said, "That's what we're gonna do...
But first you gotta tell me what it is you're hungry for"
And she says, "Lemme think, what's left in our refrigerator?"
I said, "Well, there's tuna, I know"
She said, "That went bad a week ago"
I said, "Is the chili okay?"
She said, "You finished that yesterday"
I hopped up and said, "I don't know, do you wanna get somethin' delivered?"
And she's like, "Why would I wanna eat liver? I don't even like liver"
I'm like, "No, I said delivered"
She's like, "I heard you say liver"
I'm like, "I should know what I said"
She's like, "Whatever... I just don't want any liver"
Well, I was gonna say something
But my cell phone started to ring
Now who could be callin' me?
Well, I checked my caller ID
It was just cousin Larry callin' for the third time today
My wife said, "Let it go to voice mail"
I said, "Okay"
"Where were we? Oh, dinner, right... So what do you wanna do?"
She says, "Why don't you whip up something in the kitchen?"
"Yeah?" I said, "Why don't you?"
And then she says, "Baby, can't we just go out to dinner, please?"
I says "No," she says "Yes," I says "No," she says "Yes"
I says "No," she says "Yes... oh, here's your keys"
I step a little bit closer
and say "Okay, where you wanna go?"
She says, "How 'bout The Ivy?"
I said, "Yeah, well, I don't know...
I don't feel like getting all dressed up and eatin' expensive food"
She says, "Olive Garden?"
I say, "Nah, I'm not in the mood...
And Burrito King would make me gassy, there's no doubt"
She says, "Just forget about it"
I said, "No, I swear I'm gonna take you out"
Then I get an idea
I say, "I know what we'll do..."
She says "What?" I say "Guess" she says "WHAT?!"
I say, "We're goin' to the drive-thru"
She we head out the front door
Open the garage door
Then I open the car doors
And we get in those car doors
Put my key in the ignition
And then I turn it sideways
Then we fasten our seat belts
As we pull out the driveway
Then we drive to the drive-thru
Heading off to the drive-thru
We're approaching the drive-thru
Getting close to the drive-thru
Almost there at the drive-thru
Now we're here at the drive-thru
Here in line at the drive-thru
Did I mention the drive-thru?
Well, here we are in the drive-thru line, me and her
Cars in front of us, cars in back of us, all just waiting to order
There's some idiot in a Volvo
with his brights on behind me
I lean out the window and scream, "Hey, whatcha tryin' to do, blind me?"
My wife says, "Maybe we should park...
We could just go eat inside"
I said, "I'm wearin' bunny slippers...
so I ain't leavin' this ride"
Now a woman on a speaker box
is sayin', "Can I take your order, please?"
I said, "Yes indeed, you certainly can...
We'd like two hamburgers with onions and cheese"
Then my wife says, "Baby...
hold on, I've changed my mind...
I think I'm gonna have a chicken sandwich instead this time"
I said, "You always get a cheeseburger!"
She says, "That's not what I'm hungry for"
I put my head in my hands and scream...
"I don't know who you are anymore!"
The voice on the speaker says, "I don't have all day"
I said, "Then take our order, and we'll be on our way...
I wanna get a chicken sandwich...
and I want a cheeseburger too..."
She's like, "You want onions on that?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I already said that I do...
Plus we need curly fries, and don't you dare forget it...
And two medium root beers - no, just one, we'll split it"
Then I said, "I'm guessin' that you're probably not too bright...
So read me back my order, let's make sure you got it right"
She says, "1... you want a chicken sandwich...
2... you want a cheeseburger...
3... curly fries and a large root beer -"
"Stop! Don't go no further...
I never ordered a large root beer - I said medium, not large"
Then she says, "We havin' a special, I super-sized you at no charge"
And that's all I could say was "Oh"
And she says, "Now there's somethin' else
that I really think you should know...
You can have unlimited refills
for just a quarter more"
I said, "Great, except we're in the drive-thru...
So what would I want that for?"
Then she says, "Wait a minute...
Your voice sounds so familiar... hey, is this Paul?"
And my wife is all like, "No, that ain't Paul! Now tell me, who's this Paul?"
She says, "Oh, he's just some guy who goes to school with me...
I sat behind him last year and I copied off of him in geometry"
I said, "I know a guy named Paul, he used to be my plumber...
He was prematurely bald and he moved to Pittsburgh last summer...
He also had bladder problems and a really bad infection on his toe -"
And she says, "Mister, please, you can stop right there...
That's way more than I needed to know"
And then we both were quiet
And things got real intense
And then she says, "Next window, please - that'll be five dollars and eight-two cents"
So we inched ahead in line, movin' painfully slow
I got a little bored, so I turned on the radio
[instrumental recreation of "Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin]
Click - turned it off because my wife was getting a headache
So we both just sat there quietly, for her sake
Then I looked at her
And she looked back at me
And I said, "Um... I think you have somethin' in your teeth"
She turned away from me, and then turned back and said, "Did I get it?"
I said, "Yeah...
Well, I mean, most of it...
But hey, y'know, don't sweat it"
Then she said...
"How 'bout now?"
I said, "Yeah, almost...
There's still a little bit there, but don't worry...
It's probably just a piece of toast"
Now we're at the pay window
or whatever you call it
Put my hand in my pocket
I can't believe there's no wallet
And the lady at the window's like...
"Well well well, that'll be $5.82"
I turn around to my wife and say, "How much have you got on you?"
She just rolls her eyes and says, "I'll pay for this, I guess"
So she reaches into her purse and busts out
the American Express
I hand it to the lady
And she says, "Oh dear...
It's gotta be cash only...
We don't take credit cards here"
I took back the card and said, "Gee, really? Well, that sucks"
And that's when I found out my wife was only carryin' three bucks
I said, "I thought you were gonna hit the ATM today."
She says, "I never got around to it... so where's your wallet anyway?"
And I said, "Never mind, just help me to find some change"
Now the lady at the window's lookin' at me kinda strange
And she says, "Mister, please, we gotta move this line along"
I said, "Now hold your stinkin' horses, lady, we won't be long"
So I looked around inside the glove box
and checked the mat beneath my feet
I found a nickel in an ashtray
and a couple pennies and a dime in the space between the seats
Before long I had a little pile of coins of every sort
The lady counts it up and says, "You're still about a dollar short"
And now my woman's got this weird look frozen on her face
She screams, "You know, I wasn't even really hungry in the first place!"
And so I turned around to the cashier again
I shrugged and said, "Okay...
Forget the chicken sandwich then"
So I pick up my change
Pick up my receipt
And I drive to the pick-up window
Man, I just can't wait to eat
And now we see this acne-ridden kid, about 16
Wearin' a dorky name tag that says "Hello, my name is Eugene"
And he hands me a paper bag
I look him in the eyes
And I say to him, "Hey Eugene, could I get some ketchup for my fries?"
Well, he looks at me
And I look at him
And he looks at me
And I look at him
And he looks at me
And I look at him
And he says, "I'm sorry...
What did you want again?"
I say, "Ketchup"
And he says, "Oh, yeah, that's right...
I just spaced out there for a second...
I'm really kinda burnt tonight"
And then he hands me the ketchup
And now we're finally drivin' away
And the food is drivin' me mad with its intoxicating bouquet
I'm starvin' to death by the time we pull up at the traffic light
I say, "Baby, gimme that burger, I just gotta have a bite"
So she reaches in the bag
and pulls out the burger
and she hands me the burger
and I pick up the burger
and then I unwrap the paper
I bite into those buns
and I just can't believe it...
They forgot the onions!