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De-Valentine's Day

De-Valentine's Day

Ah Valentine's Day. A time for young lovers to share a special time and remind each other how lucky they are to have found that one sole reason for living. Or maybe a better definition would be a sickening nauseating excuse for the greeting card industry to capitalize on horny individuals, who want a pretty euphemism to say, "I want to screw you." Call me a sour-ass or a cynic, but I think I'll stick with the second view.
You probably already guessed by the way I describe big ol' V-day that I am not involved in some sappy relationship. (Or any relationship for that matter). And while some people may say, "Oh how sad to not have someone to spend the day with." I'm actually rather happy. Unlike some sorry individuals, I didn't have to spend the majority of the daylight hours making gooey doe eyes at some thickheaded, clueless male.
No, I am pleased to say I had fun this Valentine's Day. By refusing to buy into the belief that all single people must be miserable on a.k.a. Lover's Day, I went out and had a great time. How, do you ask? Well fasten your seatbelts because you're getting the full scoop.
The day didn't start out that great, but only because I had to work. I was grateful though that I work in a restaurant that serves mostly older clientele. No starry-eyed, nauseating, young lovers; just old married couples who don't lean across the table every five-minutes to stick their tongues down each others throat.
What's so amusing about these seasoned couples is that on holidays like this one, they enjoy teasing and engaging in good-natured bantering. Sometimes they even involve me and everyone shares a good laugh as we lid about how the mister isn't allowed to steal the missus' French fries.
There is only one downside to beware of. Some of the older generation is convinced that a young man is the only thing in the world that can make a young lady happy. Their questions usually consist of "How's you young man?" or "A young thing like you should have a fella around." Thank you very much sir, but I think I can do without!
But moving on. After a lovely day at work, I fought through the normal dumb-butts on the road with my still sick car and ended up at my dorm room. My roommate Amy arrived a little while later, after finishing her day at work at Foodland and we waited for Bill, the third member of our little party to show.
I bet you're saying "Now hold on! Didn't you just bash males and say you didn't need one to have a good Valentine's Day" Yes I did and I still mean what I said. But Bill is no ordinary guy. Amy and I have known him since middle school and he has since been one of out best friends. He's definitely not your typical man: he has brains and basically knows what's going on the majority of the time. Plus he's just cool.
Anyway, Bill goes to Westminster College and only comes home on the weekends. We were using this day so he could help me celebrate my birthday, which would take place during the coming week.
The three of us traveled to the mall where we endeavored to cause mass chaos. I wanted to blow up the Hallmark shop, but Amy wouldn't let me. I tried to explain to her that due to the mass amounts of paper products, the store would burn quite effectively, but she refused to relinquish my explosives.
So to otherwise amuse ourselves, Bill Amy and I took turns playing delightful little pranks on unsuspecting love-struck couples. Upon seeing a particularly sickening couple one of us would approach them and declare loudly to the member of our opposing sex "Why didn't you call? Did those 12 hours of passion mean nothing to you?!" I especially liked scaring the crap out of the guy by saying "What about the baby! You promised you would be there for us!"
Satanic you say? Evil and deranged you mutter? Yes, but a hell if a lot of fun! Don't worry though. No doting couples were harmed during this little production.
After all that fun, the three of us took in a movie. Once again we added some holiday fun by targeting extremely horny couples. We used our popcorn as projectile missiles trying to get across that lovely message of "Get a Room!" It required almost an entire bag to convince one couple that we didn't want to see them consummate their relationship right in front of us.
Unfortunately we used all our food in our de-love mission, so we had to search for a place to consume. Eat'n Park was the favorite choice, mainly because of their desserts. After all, who can say no to strawberry pie or a cookie fudge fantasy?
We were so hungry the three of us decided to bypass the Eat'n Park ritual of seeing how fast one can get themselves kicked out of this high class dining establishment. Not that we were model customers. The immaturity that had run rampant all day didn't slow down just because we were eating. But we were having fun, and no one was permanently injured.
After such a productive day, Amy and I headed back to our room and Bill started his journey back to Westminster. Before we went our separate ways, it was decided that this was definitely a great way to celebrate Valentine's Day, and, if we weren't arrested, we would have to do it again next year. (I made Amy promise I would get to use my explosives next time).
So, to all those moon-eyed, horny, love-struck couples out there, you may think you had the best Valentine's Day ever. But let's not delude ourselves. Next year I bet you'll be celebrating with Amy, Bill, and I. We had fun. And isn't that what a good American holiday is all about?