"What's wrong?" he asked calmly, his voice smooth and even, yet tainted with concern. Hunter slowly, almost reluctantly, took his hand from his face and looked up. A faint gasp echoed the room. X-Pac, ever the compassionate one, spoke first.
"What the hell happened to you? You look horrible!" Hunter nodded in a gesture of weak thank you and returned to holding his hand against his eye. X-Pac, however, didn't get the hint. "You look like you poked yourself...over and over and over and...." he trailed off. Triple-H looked up again, this time taking his hand from his eyes for good.
"I can't take all this stress!" he suddenly burst out, in the process scaring his friend. "I have been under so much pressure lately, I can't get anything done! First it's you that wants to go somewhere while we're off. Then it's him"- he pointed at Road Dogg accusingly- "that wants to go around terrorizing people for no good reason and, while that's usually fun, I'm just not up for it. But NOOOOO...I go ahead and go for you two anyhow because I'M JUST THAT NICE KIND OF GUY." He stopped to take a breath and look around at his comrades, then continued. "Then it's Joanie that wants to go here, wants to go there...never happy with what I do. Then it's Vince that wants EVERY FREAKIN' MOVE I MAKE TO BE PERFECT! I can't do it! I just can't do it...." Road Dogg, still in a slight state of shock, tried to comfort him again but, again, he was pushed away. Hunter, oblivious to even his own actions, went on. "To make things worse, my mom wants me to come to her house for a while. No, not for a friendly visit. No, not so see how her son's doing. Noooo...I have to help plan for her big Christmas party this year...and it's still six months away!" The other wrestlers looked from one to the other. They had made up their minds.
"Sometimes it gets boring sitting in an office with nobody to talk to." Helmsley nodded and began looking aimlessly around the room, hoping his boss would remember exactly why he had called him in in the first place. Almost instantly, Vince did so.
"Your friends tell me that you have been under much stress lately. I can understand that. Would you like to tell me just how they knew, though?" Hunter undid the cloth he had gently tied around his eye. It had since reduced from lack of swelling, but it was still rather red and bloodshot from what Vince assumed were probably fried and no longer existent nerve endings. Nontheless, he figured that was his employee's answer and nodded knowingly. "Well, perhaps it would be best if you were to take some time off."
"No, Sir, I couldn't..."
Vince went on, relentless."Nonsense, my boy. Go on, book yourself a vacation. Fly to some distant place you've never been before." He rose from his chair, helping Hunter to his feet, also. Triple-H, however, was still protesting, but Vince paid no attention to him.
"Tell you what...you can even take anyone you want with you." He suddenly rethought this. "I take that back...take anyone besides my top stars." Hunter caught this and was a bit hurt, but again, Vince was not listening. "I'm sure Brian and Sean would love to go with you." He seemed overly enthusiastic about this, but Hunter figured it wouldn't hurt anything. He then began showing Hunter to the door. Even now, halfway through to the hallway, Hunter was still protesting.
"There you go...take a nice vacation with some friends, have a good time, be good!" Now, Hunter was standing on the complete other side of the door, looking at Vince, partly confused. "Then it's settled? Good! One week vacation time it is. Have fun!" And with that, the door was shut in Hunter's face.
The tall woman sauntered down the aisle, the lights blinding, camera flashing, all the while maintaining perfect grace and dignity. Her strut was that of a true runway model, the music moving through her blood, making her sway gently. The high-heeled shoes that she wore seemed custom made to fit, her steps never wavering. The people around her all gasped at the sight of her and the new fashion trend she was said to be making. The announcer at the bottom of the platform, who was in his own right a fashion critique, gave flawless details of her outfit. The music died slowly, and his voice was eventually heard above all others.
"And here comes our lovely lady model, Miss Joanie, who is sporting some of this season's hottest new looks. This one is the all-purpose red and black bandana, perfect for a stroll in the park, a jog around the block, or that special occasion with a loved one. Now she is showing us the new black and blue bandana, absolutely ideal for those awkward in-church moments. Please watch as she now shows us the classic yet ever popular style of red and white bandanas for this season's intimate moments."
All of a sudden, the lights grew brighter and the music was completely shut off. In the dorrway stood a not-so-happy X-Pac, leaning against the door frame. In his hand was the remote to the sterio and the lights.
"Is there any particular reason why you're going through my suitcase? Or any reason why you're bothering my stuff?" Chyna looked sheepishly at the many bandanas in her hands, then down at "the announcer", Road Dogg. He smiled like a proud child.
"We just wanted to showcase to everyone what lovely attire you sport!" X-Pac nodded, unconvinced.
"I'm sure." He responded distantly before jerking his every worldly possession from the hands of his so-called "friends." He shoved them all back in his suitcase, then looked back up, his brow narrowed in thought. "Is...is there really anything wrong with my bandanas? You...really don't think I overdo it, do you?" Road Dogg and Chyna both shook their heads vehemently, making odd noises that sounded like what may have been no's. "C'mon, you guys, I can take criticism." They both continued shaking their heads. "Do they make me look stupid? Sissy? Bratty? Come on, you two, tell me! There has to have been some reason you were making fun of it...." Road Dogg, never the one to hold the truth from anyone, finally cracked under the pressure and told all.
"It's just...well, the bandanas don't help your look much. And neither does that jacket. You're supposed to be some all fear-inspiring monster on camera and...well...to be quite honest..." He put his arm around Sean's shoulders. "You just looked like a mean poodle." Chyna struggled to hold back laughter; Sean struggled to hold back fists.
"But...but....you...." he stammered, trying to find something just mean enough to hold his own, but could think of nothing, finally stomping off out of the room, leaving Road Dogg and Chyna nearly crying with laughter.
About that time, in walked HHH, carrying with him many traveling cases filled with clothing he planned on taking with him. He threw it all down on the floor in front of the main door, sitting down on Chyna's single yet huge wooden chest of belongings. He looked around him, taking in his surroundings, deciding he didn't even want to know what the other two hoodlums were laughing about. He waited patiently for everyone else to arrive so they could all leave for their vacation adventure. X-Pac came in first, surprisingly not decked in his trademark black leather jacket and one of his many bandanas. Instead, he wore a normal pair of black jeans and a dark blue tee-shirt, his hair pulled back into a loose ponytail that hung down his shoulders. Hunter was admittedly a bit shocked at this new look. Before he had too much time to speculate about it, in walked Billy Gunn, carrying every imaginable luggage case in every imaginable size along with him. HHH could only shake his head slowly, laughing at him. It was strange, the way he always put so much care into the way he looked, but Hunter always figured it was better than him taking his entire wardrobe along with him.
They all began piling into the large van Vince had loaned them when Hunter stopped and turned to look behind him. There, lagging behind everyone but trying to catch up, was Kane. He lumbered up behind HHH, carrying with him one single black case. The others watched as he walked out to the van, not even bothering to let Hunter explain to the others. X-Pac groaned as he realized who it was that was going to be seated beside him the entire trip.
"Quit it!" Gunn screamed, jerking his arm away from his predator, who only continued ruthlessly. "QUIT IT!" he screamed again. Then Road Dogg joined in, though he was the one who was actually doing the crimes. That, in turn, made everyone start accusing everyone.
"Quit it!"
"Stop staring at me!"
"Gimme that bandana back, it's MINE!"
"I need to go to the bathroom."
"Are we there yet?"
"I'm hungry!"
"....."
"C'mon, Hunter, drive faster!"
"Oooooh...roadkill! That's ten points!"
"No, that's MY bandana, STOP IT!"
"Stop poking me!"
"HUNTER! Make Kane stop staring at me!"
"....."
"Hunter! Sean poked me!"
"Did not!"
"Did SO!"
"Liar!"
"Butthead!"
Hunter put his head in his hands, if nothing else than to protect it should he begin to bang it against the steering wheel. He turned around, facing the trouble makers.
"That's IT! One more word out of any of you for the next five miles, and I'm turning this things around and going STRAIGHT back to work! Do you hear me?" Apparently yes, for all of the screaming passengers in the back quited considerably. He looked to his right were Chyna sat, staring at him calmly. He directed his attention back to the road then. "Remind me never to have kids, okay?"
"Here we are, people!" Hunter called merrily as he pulled into the parking lot. Those few that had been awake looked about groggily, unsure of what was so great about a parking lot surrounded by trees. The others who had managed to get to sleep only brushed his words away without much thought, trying their bests to get back to sleep. Hunter quickly ushered everyone out of the van and made them start walking. They did so reluctantly, X-Pac swatting at those derned pesky invisible misquitoes that no one else seems to see until they're half asleep. They walked along drudgingly for seemingly miled to the sleepy, though it was only a few yards, until they came to the small building that sat in the middle of the parking lot. When at last they finally sat down in the building, Hunter eagerly began signing in at the front desk, which was a simple table turned office, behind which sat a forrest ranger dressed in green slacks, green shirt, and large brown hat. It was at this moment that, even while still asleep, Road Dogg realized the horrible truth.
"You brought us camping?!"
"Come on, you guys, it's not that bad!" Hunter said encouringly as they walked through the woods, trying to find their camp grounds. The others grumbled rude remarks behind him, but he paid them no attention. He instead seemed to be lost in his own reverie. "I remember when I used to go camping when I was a kid. The businesses had all sprouted up, knocking out all the wildlife, but we could always come here to get away from the city. We could always count on this area being free from buildings or smoke or taxes." X-Pac, just now beginning to accept conciousness, replied.
"No taxes? That's why we have to pay to get in here, huh?" Hunter though about it a moment, then grew inraged.
"You're right! Corporate bastards!" he yelled, shaking his fists at the sky for no particular reason. Syxx laid an obligatory comforting hand on his friend's shoulder, who eventually calmed again. He went on.
"You remember how when we were kids, we had the wars and everything going on...but we could always come to the woods?" Syxx seemed a little confused at this.
"Well, I might, but that was a bit before my time, Hunter. Besides, you uh...you didn't grow up with me."
"Ah, yeaaaah..." Triple-H said thoughtfully. He tried again. "Well, remember how you always had the bullies in school that tried to get you to join their corporate ways?" Again Syxx protested.
"Actually, Hunter, when I was in school, the only thing I had to worry about was that wierd guy that thought he was Huggy Bear that always tried to get me to buy drugs off of him." He quieted for a moment. "I miss that show." Hunter raised his voice.
"Dammit, Sean, for once in your life, would you just HUMOR me? PRETEND you know what I'm talking about! I'm not THAT old, kid!" Sean backed away a couple feet.
"Sure, Hunter, why not?" Triple-H nodded.
"Okay then...now where was I?"
The merry band of Degenerates traveled onward towards the camp grounds they had been assigned to and, when arriving there, began to hastily pitch the two tents Hunter had packed. Before both had been properly nailed to the ground, Billy Gunn had hit his thumb with the hammer he had been using to drive the spikes in, X-Pac had gotten wrapped in a fallen tent and went on a mad rampage through the grounds, and Road Dogg had somehow managed to actually nail himself to the ground.
When at last both tents had been put up, atleast as well as they could manage to get them, Hunter called them all around the pile of limbs he had gathered. He was trying unsuccessfully to light them. They all watched, slightly amused, when suddenly Kane lifted his hand to the sky, and from nowhere came a miniature fireball that lit the firewood into a blazing inferno. Hunter stared at him in shocked silence for a while before speaking.
"Well, umm...thank you, Kane. I uh...wasn't expecting that." Kane made no move, only stared back at him through the red and black mask that he wore even now. Hunter shrugged. "Anyhow, I told you all that this would be nice, and it is! Don't you think?" Road Dogg glared at him, clutching a blanket to his chest.
"Dude...look...you know I love you like a brother, but if this doesn't end...and soon....I'll be forced to kill you. Goodnight, all." And with that said, he turned and walked off to his tent to do just as he said he would do: sleep. The others stared in his direction before X-Pac spoke.
"We've been here for an hour, and already we've had two near-death experiences, a fire scare"- he looked at Kane, who turned away and possibly could have flinched-"and an attack by a disgruntled squirrel. We have no REAL food, no REAL shelter, no REAL safety, just a guy in a uniform that looks like the ranger from Yogi Bear, and we're supposed to enjoy this. Okay, whatever, Paul. I'm off to bed now." He too rose from his seat on the ground and went to the tent opposite Road Dogg, who was already sleeping quite soundly. Hunter looked at Billy Gunn, hoping he'd have something positive to say. The only thing positive was Hunter's thinking.
"It's too...primitive...for my tastes. I've never liked camping. My great-grandfather met his untimely demise at the hands of a grizzly bear...I just have bad thoughts of camping. 'night." He rose and went into X-Pac's tent, then also lied down and fell asleep. Hunter, almost desparate, looked at Kane.
"Well....what do you think?"
"....."
"Ah....okay." As with the others, Kane stood and headed for the same tent the previous two had went to. Moments later, a loud scream rang through the grounds.
"Kane! Get your big red ass offa me, NOW! I'm not your damned pillow!" Hunter immediately recognized it as Sean, then turned to Chyna.
"Joanie...dear....I KNOW you have SOMETHING good to say about it..." But alas, she only smiled sweetly and kissed his cheek, then headed for Road Dogg's tent. Hunter sat before the fire for quite some time, then, finally dowsing it, went to the same tent and fell asleep, dreaming of corporate puppets. "That'll never be me," he muttered into his pillow as he drifted to sleep.
"Brian..." Chyna shook Road Dogg gently. "Brian..." she tried again, shaking harder. Again, no response. "Brian!" she called harshly, giving him a hard push. His eyes finally fluttered open. "What?" he moaned, unwilling to wake up. She never answered, so he put his head back down and tried to go back to sleep. She shoved him again. "What?!" he cried, more angrily than before. It was then he noticed the somewhat worried expression on her face, and it was then he felt a bit sorry for yelling at her. He tried to be more gentle this time. "What's wrong?" Chyna looked behind her through the tent's open flap, and Road Dogg followed her gaze.
"I'm worried about Hunter." His stare rested on HHH, who was sitting on a log beside the fire, making noises like a squirrel. In fact, he had even managed to get a few of the furry animals by his side. Road Dogg suddenly realized why she had been scared.
"Wha...what is he doing?" Chyna shrugged.
"I guess he's trying to communicate with wildlife." James laughed a bit.
"Atleast he's not trying to mate with them." Chyna's face slowly drained of all color.
"Oh, Lord...I hope not!" Road Dogg laughed softly as she made her way out of the tent to go over to her newly-turned animal activist friend. He figured that, since he was obviously not going to be able to get back to sleep anytime soon, he'd go and see what the others were up to. Pulling on a nearby sweatshirt, he moved across the small trail to the second tent and poked his head inside. Billy's leg was halfway out of the tent, Kane was sprawled literally everywhere, and X-Pac was curled into a tiny little ball in the corner. Road Dogg made his way through the piles of arms and legs to Sean, pushing him to wake him up. He opened his eyes slightly to see who it was, then finally agreed to awaken.
"Why are you all scrunched up like this?" Dogg asked. Sean yawned and picked a leaf from his tangled hair.
"Well, Billy kept insisting he had all the room and Kane...well, Kane wanted the entire tent to himself. So rather than fight the both of them, I just curled up like a cat and went to sleep." He rubbed his arm again, inspecting the bruise on it. "I don't see how cats can sleep like this." Jesse nodded knowingly, then continued to wake them all and herd them outside. When Billy protested by tossing him back out of the tent, Road Dogg burst back in saying calmy, "If I have to suffer, so do you."
When all the remaining sleepers had been pushed outside and to the fire, they stood, half asleep, staring at HHH. Not only did he have two squirrels with him, but now he also had a blue bird at his side. They all took turns "oooh"ing and "awww"ing over him, and Chyna finally spoke.
"Hurry up, Hunter, do whatever you're going to do...I'm hungry!" Road Dogg grabbed a water gun he pulled mysteriously from his bag, then grinned evily at the others.
"Come on guys...we're gonna go catch us some breakfast!" X-Pac looked at Kane, who looked at Mr. Ass. X-Pac then accepted the second water gun that just as mysteriously appeared in Road Dogg's hand.
"Let's go kick us some bunny ass!"
"Watch where you're pointing that thing!" Road Dogg screamed as he shoved Billy Gunn away from him, in effect diverting the water gun away from his face. Billy, in turn, shot a nearby chipmunk and sent it scrambling through the forest. X-Pac chuckled and shook his head, watching the two continue their argument. They had only been in the woods for thirty minutes and already they had lost Kane, scared a deer away, and had just now shot an innocent but totally useless chipmunk. The two began arguing louder, assuring Sean that anything within a mile's range would be running for cover now, so off he went deeper into the woods to try to find his tag team partner.
"Kane..." he called gently as he walked through the path, keeping his voice low so as not to scare either Kane or a potential breakfast candidate. He ducked a low branch and was about to turn when a sudden attack from a cardinal hit him full force. He threw his arms over his face to protect him, then looked up. His mouth dropped open from shock.
There, sitting on a rock ledge right at the bank of the creek, was Kane. Birds perched on his shoulders, hands, even one was sitting comfortably on his head. A deer grazed at his side, picking through the grass and sticks on the ground. He moved cautiously, slowly, unwilling to scare the animals, or Kane, for that matter. Much to his surprise, neither the animals nor Kane made a move away from him. The deer even looked up at him while nibbling a leaf, then began hunting around the grass again. He moved closer, coming within arm's length of the beautiful doe. He reached out and stroked its head; it flinched at first, then calmed and allowed him to pet it. He smiled, looking over at Kane.
"Kane...how...how did you get all these animals to come here like this?" Kane looked up at him, being careful not to disturb the small chickadee on his head, then resumed his position. Syxx gave up. He knew it was no use to try to talk to The Big Red Machine when he insisted on staying in character, so he gave the deer a final pat on the head and made his way back to where Road Dogg and Billy Gunn still stood, still arguing. He decided then and there that he did not want to have anything to do with this fight.
"Poor chipmunk.." he muttered as he made his way back out through the trail they had originally followed.
"Mmm...this is actually pretty good!" Chyna exclaimed, putting jam on another piece of bread. "Thanks, guys!" Syxx had long ago returned to the campsite, and had been given the unfortunate duty of telling Chyna how he had left the Outlaws in the woods by themselves. Approximately thirty minutes later, they both came from the path, each carrying shirtloads of berries they had found. They explained that, while they had managed to corner a rabbit, they had learned that moderately pressured water won't necessarily kill an animal. So as not to disappoint, they had rounded up every berry they could find that looked non-poisonous and brought them back, melting them into jam for bread they could toast over the fire. They seemed rather proud of themselves. In Syxx's own words, while it might not be real food, it was better than starving to death. He had to admit...it had been quite some time since he had tasted fresh, natural raspberry jam.
"So what have we all learned this week?" Hunter asked as he passed around yet another bowl of his special raspberry/strawberry blend jam. Over the past few days, he had learned that, when all else fails, improvise. And since they had been left with little to no food (after Kane's midnight snack a couple days previously), Hunter had learned the many delicious, sometimes marvelous, uses of berries. He knew that, by now, everyone was sick of berries, but as Sean had said: it was better than starving.
Seing that no one answered, he tried again. "Have you guys learned anything?" Road Dogg immediately raised his hand like an eager child.
"I did, I did! There are approximately..." he trailed off as he dug through his pockets, looking for a small black notebook he was always jotting notes in. "429 uses for any or all combinations of common berries found in forests." He grinned at Hunter, then added quickly, "By my count, that is." Hunter sighed and looked at Billy Gunn.
"And you?" Gunn shrugged.
"You can live off of berries and bread for a week. It might not be healthy, it might not be yummy, but dammit, it's possible." Hunter nodded in agreement, then looked towards X-Pac, who was scratching himself like a dog infected with an entire naval fleet of fleas.
"And what have you learned, Sean?"
"Poison ivy really is contagious." He shot a chilled glance at Kane, who ocassionaly reached up to scratch his arm, or his leg, or anything else that had been in contact with the dreaded plant. "And that he's now the Big Rash Machine." HHH looked at Kane, who was still dressed in full ring attire, and frowned partially.
"How can you tell?"
"You stuck me babysitting him the entire time, remember? I'm the only one that's been around him this whole time...I'm ALSO the only one that has this cursed rash!" Hunter held up his hands in the universal "hey, don't kill me" gesture as a peace offering. He then directed his attention toward Kane.
"Kane..buddy...say something...did you learn anything?"
Kane scratched his arm. Said nothing. Hunter sighed and looked at Chyna.
"Did YOU learn anything?" She only shook her head and smiled sweetly. HHH, undaunted, was determined to find someone that learned anything from their trip to the forest.
"Well, you'll all be glad to know that I'm feeling much better now. My eyes are better, my muscles no longer spaz out on me...hell, I've even been in a good mood lately! In fact, I'm feeling in such a giving mood, how 'bout we head back and I get us all ice cream, okay?" The others all began cheering and making a mad dash for the car. Triple-H didn't know whether it was from the mention of leaving or ice cream, but his bet was on the former. Nontheless, they all packed their bags and loaded up the van, heading down the road and into the sunset.
But alas, before there can be a happy ending to this story, there is one last obstacle to overcome. The dreaded Meeting With the Boss After Vacation Time period we all know and loathe.
Vince saw them pull up in the parking lot before they had even seen him, and he immediately ran up to greet them.
"Hunter, son...how are you feeling?"
"I'm-"
"Feeling better, I trust?"
"Well, actually-"
"That's great, Hunter, really great!"
"But sir..."
"Now, because of your absence, there are some things I need to tell you and your friends."
"Sir..."
"Road Dogg...you have an I-C title defense tonight."
"But sir!"
"Gunn...sorry, but you have to job to Droz tonight." Gunn's face drained of all color.
"Noooo!"
"And Chyna...lovely, lovely Chyna...you do have nice legs, right?"
"Uh...sure?"
"Good, 'cause you're in an evening gown match with Nicole Bass."
"But...but sir..." He looked at X-Pac.
"And you, my dear boy, are to face Steve Austin, the Undertaker, and the Rock in a four-corners match tonight."
"Uhh...Mr. McMahon...dude....I uh..."
"Kane...you're in a match with the Godfather tonight."
"...."
"Great! We agree! Hunter...you're in a match with Brian Christopher tonight."
"Well, atleast that'll be one squash I can live with."
"Ehh...not exactly, Paul....see....I kind of need you to um...you know...give him the win?"
"You want me to job to him?!"
"Well....yes."
Hunter snapped suddenly, falling to the ground in a heap.
"Arrrrrrrgh....my eye!"
